Journey 2 Self Love Part 2: #StopSettling2015

Confession: Realizing that I am afraid to be by myself, I tend to settle for situations just to say I have someone. 

I used to harshly judge people who fell into the same old bad habits until I realized how easy it was, especially for me. One of my bad habits is settling, or not staying true to myself in order to say I have someone. Recently, I learned a quote that said “Indecisiveness is a decision” and I have two different stories with the same outcome that illustrate just how true that quote is.

Story 1

So. There was this guy who I was REALLY interested in. He was everything I thought I wanted at that moment. When he and I first started “talking”, it was clear that HE didn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment. However, WE carried on like people in relationships do. We had this absurd agreement that we wouldn’t have sex with anyone else, but there was still no commitment.

Deep down inside, I KNEW I wanted to be in a relationship, but again HE wasn’t about that life quite yet. HE said he wanted to become more stable financially (among other things) and I looked at that as an excuse. Nonetheless, I agreed to our little agreement, knowing that my heart wasn’t in it. The sex was phenomenal, and I simply did not like anyone else, (well…. like them enough to have sex with them) and most importantly, I wanted to keep him around because I did not want to be by myself.

Story 2

Then, there was this other guy. I liked him a LOT, and on top of me liking him, we were super cool and really close. Like the guy in the first story, he didn’t want a  relationship either, but not just with me, ANY girl for that matter.

I also didn’t care, LOL.

All that mattered to me was that I wanted him, so we eventually developed a sexual relationship. I thought if I gave him my time, affection, and overall genuine support that it would change his stance on settling down, but to my disappointment, it didn’t.

I was crushed.

However, there is another side of me that is extremely logical, so I was well aware of the reality. He actually very vocal about his wants, I just have a tendency not to listen to people when their wants don’t align with what I want.

Despite me knowing all that, I still made myself available to him, once again settling.

How I should have handled BOTH situations:

It’s all so simple.

Instead of wasting my time and energy by settling, I should have just removed myself from both respective situations and stayed patient for what I really wanted, which was a relationship.

Some people wonder why a title is so important to me. It’s not the title that’s important to me, it’s being clear on what we are. No shade to people who are comfortable with carrying on without labels, but I like to know rather than just wonder. Besides, I think it’s absurd to have consistent sex with someone, be there for them emotionally, help them out when they are down on their luck financially, and a host of other things that people in relationships do, yet YOU are uncomfortable with calling me your girlfriend.

So, why is it so hard NOT to settle?

Settling comes from both a mix of fear and impatience. I admitted that I have a fear of being alone, and on top of that, I am a VERY impatient person. My impatience is a personality trait that has lead to disaster in pretty much every area of my life. Settling comes from not knowing your worth, and letting the fear of being alone cripple you so much that you’d rather have anyone than no one, even when you know they aren’t good for you,

But now that’s its 2015, I realized that that settling shit is for the birds.

Sometimes you have to go through things numerous times to learn a lesson, and this may not be the last time I have to learn this lesson (Though I pray that it is) but I did learn a few things along the way:

1. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to allow myself to become someone’s plaything.

2. To piggy back off number one, I realized I am NOT anyone’s “something-to-do” when there is nothing to do.

3. When someone TELLS you what they want and you don’t agree with it, don’t try to change them. They are stuck in their ways, so leave their asses alone. 

4. Most importantly: Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean you NEED to be in a relationship with them. In order to stop unnecessary soul ties, you gotta STOP SETTLING. 

***Bonus: Stop giving so much of myself to people who simply do not deserve it, it’s disrespectful to my well-being. 

Moral of the story, I HAVE to be good to myself… and really stop settling.

Stay tuned for Part 3.

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Journey 2 Self Love Part 1: When You Realize Certain Lifestyles Just Ain’t For You

Confession: I HATE being alone.

As I start on this journey to love myself, I find myself wondering when did I stop. Growing up, I thought I had pretty high self esteem, but as time went on, I realized I unfortunately didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, my self-esteem issues don’t reside in how I feel about myself physically.

According to other people, I wasn’t the most attractive child, but I was always intelligent and I eventually grew into my looks. I have my fair share of male attention here and there, so I knew I wasn’t as ugly as kids made me seem as I was growing up.

So as I think and think, I’ll go with the year of 2011 as when I began an unhealthy cycle of not loving myself.

That year, I was in a relationship with someone who turned out to be not such a good person for me. For some reason, I was conditioned to believe that relationships had to be super serious.

Problem is, I was only 16/17.

(*I did everything too early, but I think I learned early too.*)

Anyways. Now that I’m older, I realized that you can’t expect the world from someone who isn’t even a high school graduate yet. LOL.

Moving on….

I turned 17 that year, and my ex also did, actually a few days before me.

I noticed that his behavior started to change, and things just weren’t the same between us. We were arguing more, spent less time together, and just didn’t click like we used to. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when our little one year anniversary came up, he decided that he wanted to kick it with his friends instead of spend the entire day with me.

Around the time all that was happening, I met another guy and instead of addressing the issue between my ex and I, I decided to cheat.

Eventually, my ex and I broke up but ever since then, I have never truly been by myself or truly single.

I began to hop from one dude to the next, refusing to acknowledge that there was a void that needed to be filled.

Then one day I realized…. I’m just not about that life anymore.

I’ll be the first to admit that the life I used to live was fun in the beginning.

Having a plethora of attention from multiple people is exciting, especially if you’ve been through a bad breakup. That attention gives you a well needed boost of confidence that may have been lost during heart break.

And honestly, I had a lot of perks that came from dealing with multiple guys, such as:

  • I had one guy that took me out on dates
  • One guy fulfilled my physical needs
  • One guy fulfilled my emotional needs
  • One guy bought me anything I wanted, whether I asked (which I rarely did) or not

The list goes on.

But all good things come to an end, and after a while, things tend to get exhausting.

Playing games with multiple people and dealing with different attitudes, spirits, personalities, AND soul ties is mentally draining!

I confirmed that I was no longer about that life when I realized that despite allllllllll the attention and material things I received from, I was still at home by myself every single night with no real connection to anyone because no one took me serious.

Which meant that my void was still not getting fulfilled.

And if my void wasn’t getting fulfilled, then I figured that me entertaining all those dudes was pointless.

I felt empty. And that’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy; but I couldn’t stop.

People often say that the best way to get over one person is to get up under another one, but I disagree.

If you’re constantly hopping from one person to the next, what issues are you conquering?

You’re not. You’re avoiding, and that is something I am extremely guilty of.

I’m sure there are plenty of men and women who ENJOY dealing with a plethora of people, especially if you’re young. Some say having a roster full is what we’re supposed to do until we are ready to settle down and get married.

And to an extent, I agree.

But what they don’t mention is people who hop from person because they don’t like themselves very much.

What they don’t mention is people who hop from person to person because they fear being alone.

What they don’t mention is people like me.

Too much of one thing turns into an addiction, and I’m addicted to people who distract me from dealing with myself.

So now, I decided to cut the bullshit and start a journey to learn how to love myself.

I’ll admit, it has been off to a rocky start, but the beauty of life is making mistakes and learning from them.

After all, I am my best teacher.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

10 Questions Tag

 

 

 

 

 

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A fellow blogger I know from Twitter nominated me to answer 10 random questions about myself. Since I’m trying to become a more consistent blogger, I’m down for the challenge. Be sure to check out KG’s blog here.

Below, you’ll find my responses to KG’s questions.

1. What’s one thing you would do if you weren’t afraid?

If I wasn’t afraid, I would go water ski-ing. I love water and beaches, but I’m also petrified of doing any water activities because I can’t swim. AT ALL. Maybe I should conquer my fear of swimming, so that I can enjoy water activities, LOL.

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2. Name the last movie you watched.

Randomly flipping through my mother’s cable one day last week, I came across 300: Rise of an Empire, which must’ve came out sometime in the last year. Something many don’t know about me is that I love Greek mythology, and I love action/historical films. Though I really didn’t understand the story line at first, I did enjoy the special effects and cinematography in the film.

3. Aside from blogging, what is another past time you really enjoy?

This is going to sound so corny, but I REALLY enjoy reading. Books have always been my first love, and I think I love them so much because they always gave me the chance to escape into another world. Plus, my parents always were reading, and I think their habits had a very heavy influence on me. To me, there is nothing better than curling up with a good book and watching characters come to life in your mind.

4. Describe yourself in six words or less.

Grrrr, this was HARD. But out of all the words I can choose, the words constantly growing stand out to me the most. I am a work in progress, and though I’ve come a long way, I know I just want to be a better version of myself, which is why my growth is constant.

5. Name your favorite musician.

I’ll have to give this accolade to my dad, Will Howard. Since before I was born, my father has been a professional bass player. He’s extremely talented, and though I haven’t heard his full music catalog, I will say he’s one of the best musicians I’ve ever heard. In fact, learn more about my dad by reading this interview done by Bass Musician Magazine here.

6. Where were you and what were you doing on New Year’s Eve 2014?

I was in my mother’s house with my God sister crying my eyes out. December was a month that wore me out emotionally, and I was upset that I had no concrete plans for that night. In Chicago, it’s not that hard to get around without a car, but not only was it super cold that night, I just wasn’t comfortable with traveling at night by myself. (*side eyes God sister for getting on my nerves that night, LOL*) However, I made a promise to myself that my future New Year’s Eves won’t be anything like the one in 2014.

7. What is one of the happiest moments of your life?

It is hard to pick just one happy moment of my life. But, I think this picture below sums it up. It was taken in 2011, and it was my Grandmother’s 77th birthday. My mom and I threw her a party and it was filled with lots of love, laughter and FOOD. My grandmother is unfortunately no longer with us, but I like to think that her smile still shines through me.

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8. How did you celebrate your last birthday?

I turned 20 years old last year, and I can honestly say that it was one of the BEST birthdays I’ve ever had. I have such phenomenal people in my life, and it was a day filled with love, laughter, and just honestly having fun. My friends and I went to Applebee’s and ate good, and we even did the Cupid Shuffle and Electric Slide with the employees and customers, LOL.

My birthday cake!
My birthday cake!

9. Name the most interesting city you’ve visited.

Unfortunately, I am not much of a traveler, so I can’t think of anywhere I visited that I would consider interesting! However, this is the year to change that! I plan to visit Minnesota, New Orleans, Atlanta, New York, and most importantly, Los Angeles to kick off my 21st birthday celebration.

10. If you can take a peek at what your life will be like 5 years from now, would you?

The nosey side of me says yes. However, the other, not-so-nosey side of me wants to let life take it’s course. I do wonder where I would live, what kind of car I’m going to drive, will I be married, will I have kids, and what kind of career I’ll have….but as I said, I’ll just let life take its course LOL. I just hope to be alive and a stable person in 5 years.

Hope you all like my answers!  Now I’m going to tag 5 of my fellow bloggers. I nominate Inda from Corner Store Press, Akira D from Pandora’s Box of Erotic Tales, Jasmine from Jasmine Diane, Ari from The Curvy Girl Affect and Steven from The SUNK. Don’t forget to link back to my post, come up with your own ten questions and nominate bloggers that you know.

Your questions are:

1. What is one bible verse or inspirational quote that keeps you encouraged?

2. What are some of your goals for 2015?

3. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

4. What’s the last book you read?

5. What is one thing that most people don’t know about you?

6. What led you to create your blog?

7. How do you practice self-love?

8. What do you think most relationships lack these days?

9. What are some of your worst characteristics?

10. If you could have lunch with any person (alive or dead) who would it be and why?