Confession: Realizing that I am afraid to be by myself, I tend to settle for situations just to say I have someone.
I used to harshly judge people who fell into the same old bad habits until I realized how easy it was, especially for me. One of my bad habits is settling, or not staying true to myself in order to say I have someone. Recently, I learned a quote that said “Indecisiveness is a decision” and I have two different stories with the same outcome that illustrate just how true that quote is.
So. There was this guy who I was REALLY interested in. He was everything I thought I wanted at that moment. When he and I first started “talking”, it was clear that HE didn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment. However, WE carried on like people in relationships do. We had this absurd agreement that we wouldn’t have sex with anyone else, but there was still no commitment.
Deep down inside, I KNEW I wanted to be in a relationship, but again HE wasn’t about that life quite yet. HE said he wanted to become more stable financially (among other things) and I looked at that as an excuse. Nonetheless, I agreed to our little agreement, knowing that my heart wasn’t in it. The sex was phenomenal, and I simply did not like anyone else, (well…. like them enough to have sex with them) and most importantly, I wanted to keep him around because I did not want to be by myself.
Then, there was this other guy. I liked him a LOT, and on top of me liking him, we were super cool and really close. Like the guy in the first story, he didn’t want a relationship either, but not just with me, ANY girl for that matter.
I also didn’t care, LOL.
All that mattered to me was that I wanted him, so we eventually developed a sexual relationship. I thought if I gave him my time, affection, and overall genuine support that it would change his stance on settling down, but to my disappointment, it didn’t.
I was crushed.
However, there is another side of me that is extremely logical, so I was well aware of the reality. He actually very vocal about his wants, I just have a tendency not to listen to people when their wants don’t align with what I want.
Despite me knowing all that, I still made myself available to him, once again settling.
How I should have handled BOTH situations:
It’s all so simple.
Instead of wasting my time and energy by settling, I should have just removed myself from both respective situations and stayed patient for what I really wanted, which was a relationship.
Some people wonder why a title is so important to me. It’s not the title that’s important to me, it’s being clear on what we are. No shade to people who are comfortable with carrying on without labels, but I like to know rather than just wonder. Besides, I think it’s absurd to have consistent sex with someone, be there for them emotionally, help them out when they are down on their luck financially, and a host of other things that people in relationships do, yet YOU are uncomfortable with calling me your girlfriend.
So, why is it so hard NOT to settle?
Settling comes from both a mix of fear and impatience. I admitted that I have a fear of being alone, and on top of that, I am a VERY impatient person. My impatience is a personality trait that has lead to disaster in pretty much every area of my life. Settling comes from not knowing your worth, and letting the fear of being alone cripple you so much that you’d rather have anyone than no one, even when you know they aren’t good for you,
But now that’s its 2015, I realized that that settling shit is for the birds.
Sometimes you have to go through things numerous times to learn a lesson, and this may not be the last time I have to learn this lesson (Though I pray that it is) but I did learn a few things along the way:
1. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to allow myself to become someone’s plaything.
2. To piggy back off number one, I realized I am NOT anyone’s “something-to-do” when there is nothing to do.
3. When someone TELLS you what they want and you don’t agree with it, don’t try to change them. They are stuck in their ways, so leave their asses alone.
4. Most importantly: Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean you NEED to be in a relationship with them. In order to stop unnecessary soul ties, you gotta STOP SETTLING.
***Bonus: Stop giving so much of myself to people who simply do not deserve it, it’s disrespectful to my well-being.
Moral of the story, I HAVE to be good to myself… and really stop settling.
Stay tuned for Part 3.