Confession: I HATE being alone.
As I start on this journey to love myself, I find myself wondering when did I stop. Growing up, I thought I had pretty high self esteem, but as time went on, I realized I unfortunately didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, my self-esteem issues don’t reside in how I feel about myself physically.
According to other people, I wasn’t the most attractive child, but I was always intelligent and I eventually grew into my looks. I have my fair share of male attention here and there, so I knew I wasn’t as ugly as kids made me seem as I was growing up.
So as I think and think, I’ll go with the year of 2011 as when I began an unhealthy cycle of not loving myself.
That year, I was in a relationship with someone who turned out to be not such a good person for me. For some reason, I was conditioned to believe that relationships had to be super serious.
Problem is, I was only 16/17.
(*I did everything too early, but I think I learned early too.*)
Anyways. Now that I’m older, I realized that you can’t expect the world from someone who isn’t even a high school graduate yet. LOL.
I turned 17 that year, and my ex also did, actually a few days before me.
I noticed that his behavior started to change, and things just weren’t the same between us. We were arguing more, spent less time together, and just didn’t click like we used to. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when our little one year anniversary came up, he decided that he wanted to kick it with his friends instead of spend the entire day with me.
Around the time all that was happening, I met another guy and instead of addressing the issue between my ex and I, I decided to cheat.
Eventually, my ex and I broke up but ever since then, I have never truly been by myself or truly single.
I began to hop from one dude to the next, refusing to acknowledge that there was a void that needed to be filled.
Then one day I realized…. I’m just not about that life anymore.
I’ll be the first to admit that the life I used to live was fun in the beginning.
Having a plethora of attention from multiple people is exciting, especially if you’ve been through a bad breakup. That attention gives you a well needed boost of confidence that may have been lost during heart break.
And honestly, I had a lot of perks that came from dealing with multiple guys, such as:
- I had one guy that took me out on dates
- One guy fulfilled my physical needs
- One guy fulfilled my emotional needs
- One guy bought me anything I wanted, whether I asked (which I rarely did) or not
The list goes on.
But all good things come to an end, and after a while, things tend to get exhausting.
Playing games with multiple people and dealing with different attitudes, spirits, personalities, AND soul ties is mentally draining!
I confirmed that I was no longer about that life when I realized that despite allllllllll the attention and material things I received from, I was still at home by myself every single night with no real connection to anyone because no one took me serious.
Which meant that my void was still not getting fulfilled.
And if my void wasn’t getting fulfilled, then I figured that me entertaining all those dudes was pointless.
I felt empty. And that’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy; but I couldn’t stop.
People often say that the best way to get over one person is to get up under another one, but I disagree.
If you’re constantly hopping from one person to the next, what issues are you conquering?
You’re not. You’re avoiding, and that is something I am extremely guilty of.
I’m sure there are plenty of men and women who ENJOY dealing with a plethora of people, especially if you’re young. Some say having a roster full is what we’re supposed to do until we are ready to settle down and get married.
And to an extent, I agree.
But what they don’t mention is people who hop from person because they don’t like themselves very much.
What they don’t mention is people who hop from person to person because they fear being alone.
What they don’t mention is people like me.
Too much of one thing turns into an addiction, and I’m addicted to people who distract me from dealing with myself.
So now, I decided to cut the bullshit and start a journey to learn how to love myself.
I’ll admit, it has been off to a rocky start, but the beauty of life is making mistakes and learning from them.
After all, I am my best teacher.
Stay tuned for Part 2.