I’ve been molested and raped 3 times in my life.
Once at the tender age of 10.
Again at 14.
And again at age 19, on my birthday to be exact.
I will spare you all the details, because recalling your body getting violated over and over again is no fun time, and nothing I desire to put myself through again. In between all of that, I’ve been mentally and emotionally abused, emotionally tormented and in and out of toxic relationships. I’ve felt inadequate, unworthy and incapable of being loved for a long time. I deal with anxiety. I deal with depression. I’ve been suicidal. And in the back of my mind, I’ve always wondered…..
“How do I get my magic back?”
The things that make me, me.
And if you know me, you may say I’ve never lost it. You may see me always smiling, laughing, and enjoying life as best as I can… and for the most part, that’s true. I am a generally positive person. But on the flip side, I am pessimistic, self-loathing and just downright unhappy. At times I think my optimistic side is a facade I put on for others, while my pessimistic side is the true me…
But then again, that could just be my pessimism talking.
I’m often in a space where I don’t know who I am anymore and literally can’t handle the things that I go through on a day-to-day basis, so I isolate myself. I let myself fall deep into the darkness. Barely eating, not sleeping, not seeing my friends for weeks. I shut down, neglect my important tasks, then send myself into a frenzy when I realize that my shit is not together.
Lol, it’s sick.
Aside from what I mentioned at the beginning of this post, other things have contributed to me feeling like I lost my magic, this year in particular. 2016 was a mess! With a pending graduation coming up, I am now faced with the pressure of figuring out what the hell do I want to do with my life in order to pay these student loans off once, as well as staying true to my passions, manifesting them and staying consistent with them. I have problems with consistency: when things get too tough, I tend to run from them instead of facing my issues head on. The crazy thing about it, I didn’t ALWAYS use to be like this. So again I ask myself:
“How do I get my magic back?”
I can tell you all the things I tried…
I tried to drink it away. Smoke some weed here and there. Sex it away. Bought a bunch a shit I didn’t even need. Went to counseling once a week and I even tried to go all the way to Cape Town, South Africa thinking that if I was in a new place, I could level up mentally and boom! All my trauma and issues would miraculously disappear and I would enter 2017 as the most woke, at peace ass bih you could imagine. But if its one thing I learned… happiness and peace ain’t found at the bottom of a Crown Royal Apple bottle, not in the sheets with a nigga that don’t really care about me and definitely ain’t in a high ass credit card bill full of shit that I was only wearing like once or twice.
I honestly don’t have the answers on what I gotta do to get my magic back. The enjoyable part of self love and self care is often glorified throughout social media, but nobody really talks about the WORK, the painful WORK that goes into doing this shit.
Nobody really speaks on how sometimes it’s too hurtful to take care of yourself cuz that’s like peeling back layers and layers of scars, and everybody knows you ain’t supposed to pick scars if you want them to heal.
But at the same time… I want my magic back. I wanna level up. I wanna get to a space in my life where I understand that although I have endured some FUCKED UP and I mean FUCKED up shit, I still got a life to live, I am not tainted and I got one hell of a story to tell.
Honestly, I been holding back on this post for weeks cuz I’ve been too embarrassed to put my truth to paper. Scared about what people would think about me. Scared to acknowledge my pain and suffering. But I want my magic back, and while I am not tooting my own horn, writing is definitely something that makes me magical.
So while I don’t have the complete key to getting my magic back, I will say that I am trying…. In healthier ways of course. I’ve started writing and journaling again. I’ve surrounded myself with those who love and care about me. And I’m slowly but surely no longer repressing my emotions. I heard in church a while back that we don’t go through certain experiences in our lives for no reason. And while I am often wondering “WHY ME?”, I know that my story can help someone else one day.
So, needless to say: I’ll get my magic back… and you will too, and so are you, and you and YOU… and once we all get our magic back, we will be forces to be reckoned with.
Thanks for reading beloveds. I pray that this post helps in a way ♥