While I am hella proud of my accomplishments, reality quickly sunk in for me: I’m broke, I don’t have a job and on top of that I am behind on bills. When my lease is up in August, I have no idea where I am going to go or what type of employment I am going to have. My bursar bill is high, I currently don’t have the desire to go to grad school and I’ve been dealing with the frustration of being under qualified for jobs in my field, yet over qualified for normal jobs such as Walmart.
Last week, the overthinking took a toll on me and I cried. I felt (feel) so stuck and stagnant so I brought my ass to Chicago, where I am currently bouncing from house to house (shout out to my bomb ass friends) and trying to lock in some employment.. or I’ll be going back to Carbondale.
I honestly feel weird. I fought long and hard to become a college grad and really stuck it out when I had every reason to quit. And while I wasn’t expecting for gates of opportunity to just open up as soon as I walked across the stage, I will say that the shock of real life adulting is mind boggling to me.
If you know me, you know that stability is very important to me and that also I am a control freak. I like being in control of my money, my comings and goings, and knowing EXACTLY what my next move is going to be.
And I know, that’s unrealistic and as my therapist told me during one of our sessions, the key to peace is acceptance. Therefore, I should be able to accept that I won’t be in control all the time because trying to only puts added stress on me.
A talk with one of my best friends put something in perspective for me: he told me that just because I may lack a job, does not mean I lack anything else. Therefore, I should stop thinking that I’m hopeless and worthless because I am not.
That talk really helped and put a lot into perspective for me. I guess I’m so used to constantly being on the go and doing something that this new found free time was bothering me.
But you know what? It’s okay to breathe. It’s okay to relax. It’s okay to ask for help when needed. It’s even okay to feel all the emotions I feel at the moment (they change by the day) but it’s not okay to be so hard on myself. And that’s something I have to get better at. I’m only human, I don’t need to have all the answers.
Although I am dealing with the post grad blues, I will say this:
• If it’s not your time yet, don’t force it. That makes things harder than it needs to be.
• Adulting is hard. You literally wake up everyday and try to figure it out.
• You’re not alone! Everybody goes through similar if not the same shit, even if it looks like they don’t, trust me they do.
• You can’t rush the process, you can only trust the process.
• What’s meant for you will NEVER pass you by.
• Just because you lack something that you may want/need at the moment (i.e. a job, riches, money, fame) doesn’t mean you are worthless.
In conclusion… I really don’t know what’s next. But I do know I’ll be able to adapt. I do know that I’ll be okay. And I do know that I will be great. And while I have the blues right now, I do know I won’t be singing the same tune forever.
Stay encouraged my loves,
– Kia ❤️