Just Another End of The Year Post

New Year Goals Instagram Post

 2017 was a year… like any other year.

A series of highs and lows. Wins and lessons learned. A  year of old friendships ending and new ones beginning.

To be honest, my 2016 was so trash that I vowed and put the work in to make 2017 better… and it WAS!

So many milestones this year and so many endless memories! I had a lot of fun this year. I traveled. I graduated from college finally! I had the roughest summer financially, emotionally, and mentally. Bounced back from that shit. Lost some people and grew apart from some that I thought would be around forever and hell, I’m still alive from that too. I persevered in some of my darkest moments and to top it all off, I’m coming up on 6 years of being a blogger! All in all, 2017 was GOOD to me.

As 2017 comes to a close and I turn my eyes on the horizon of 2018, some of my goals for this new year include:

KEEP WRITING MY TRUTH

I personally feel like 2017 was my best year so far as a writer. I told myself at the end of 2016 that I would write more content in 2017 and not only did I do that, I wrote some GOOD shit. But in writing my truth, of course, I offended a few people. It was never intentional but I won’t apologize for expressing how I feel. I learned that as a writer who puts her work out there, sometimes you will have people who disagree with you and that’s okay! I don’t necessarily write to please others. I write for me, I just so happen to let ya’ll read them LOL. I appreciate how writing my truth has sparked conversations. Made people feel a type of way. Made them think. I will keep writing my truth because what I have to say may resonate with someone else one day.

KEEP FLOURISHING

To flourish means to grow vigorously, to be in ones prime. If I did nothing else in 2017, I certainly flourished! My heart got fonder. Smile got brighter. Edges grew. Mental health got better and I looked and felt good a lot more this year than I have in past years. I certainly plan to carry this with me into 2018 and I learned that in order to truly flourish it starts from within. We are ALL works in progress! You don’t have to have it all together NOW, but the fact that you are trying is a pathway to constantly flourishing.

HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE

I constantly strive to be a better person each day, yet I no longer care about who doesn’t like me. I ain’t for everybody. I’m okay with that. I am who I am. One person’s opinion of me cannot stop the blessings that God has bestowed upon me OR the plan God has for my life. I wasn’t put on this earth to please other people. On the flip side, having no fucks to give also means to live fearlessly. To live boldly. To chase relentlessly after my dreams and not worrying that the outcome will be less than successful.

FALL MORE IN LOVE WITH MYSELF

Aye, self-love is a process but it’s getting easier over time. This year I learned and practiced the importance of being kind and gentle to myself. To constantly affirm myself and give myself grace. Are you aware of the language you use when you talk about yourself? I paid more attention to that and switched my whole style up. No negative self-talk. No more beating myself up when I make mistakes, I am human. Falling more in love with myself also means that I can acknowledge that I deserve to be loved how I want to be loved and treated how I want to be treated. It’s setting boundaries and STICKING to them (will be working on that part all of 2018).

COLLAB MORE

In 2017 I was blessed to work with and be apart of some very amazing teams. (Hey Culture, Hey Live Young).

In 2018 I want to collab with more brands and businesses that align with what I’m doing. I want to curate events, help others and just have a network of people that can utilize their services, their wisdom, and talents to help the next person as well. Is that through brand sponsorships and partnerships? I’m not sure. Is that through guest posting on other sites? Maybe. I’m still figuring it out. I often have people reach out to me who want to do business. Sometimes they are the right fit and sometimes they aren’t… It’s all a matter of having conversations and then going with your gut feelings when it comes to collaborating. I welcome all positive, naturally aligned and beneficial collaborations for 2018.

 

Welp, that about concludes all that I have to say for 2017. It was a great year, but I am happy that it is about to be over. I’m ready to welcome in 2018, learn some new lessons and have some more wins! Thank you all for reading, commenting and sharing my blog this year.

What are some of your goals for 2018? What were some of your wins and lessons learned from 2017?

 

Advertisements

Your Situationship Is Your Fault

Your situationship is your fault 1

Leave it to The Shade Room to spark a controversial debate. Last week, they posted this picture below and it had all my Group Me Chats lit! Not to mention the thousands of comments the post itself received, it was extremely interesting and sad to see the varying perspectives on this picture.

Here’s the thing: Regardless of how which side you fall on, you both are right.

Let me borrow your eyes for a sec so I can explain.

Screen Shot 2017-12-17 at 8.35.30 PM

To the men who claim they don’t want a relationship, the goofy ass “a bond is better than a title” type guy, the fella that acts more inconsistent than a woman’s emotions when she’s on her monthly cycle, I am talking directly to YOU when I say this:

You ain’t shit.

To say you don’t want a relationship yet you expect or accept relationship benefits makes you trash. Not only are you bogus, but to agree with the first statement in the pic what you’re doing is emotional abuse as well.

A woman will make it clear about what she wants (which is commitment). Ya’ll will say “Nah, I’m not looking for a relationship” but conveniently leave out the part where you want to be her only sex partner, stay at her house 3 times a week, go out on dates, have her around your closest friends and family AND ON TOP OF THAT, dump your emotional baggage on her cuz you know that she’s the only person besides yo bald headed ass mama that will listen to you.

But nah. You don’t want a relationship. *side eye*

Do ya’ll see how dumb that sounds? Ya’ll act like this because ya’ll are scared. And selfish. And so emotionally bankrupt that ya’ll lack the honesty and overall capacity to think of anyone besides yourself. It’s like damn, what lil girl in 3rd grade hurt your feelings and now your grown ass can’t get over it? Go seek therapy you fucking psycho.

If you don’t want a relationship, make sure your actions align with what you’re saying.

You can’t say you just wanna have sex but then at some point you move a little slower at going to the bathroom to wash off, put your clothes back on and go home. Ya’ll start contacting her outside of “booty call hours” to talk her ear off about your long ass day. You and her start going outside on dates like ya’ll go together. Some of ya’ll fools even slip up and say ya’ll love the chick. But the moment she brings up getting serious, you go back to the “I don’t want a relationship” bullshit as if you haven’t been carrying on like you’ve been in one for months.

Once that happens, the young lady’s crazy switch is turned on and I use the word “crazy” loosely. Men always call us crazy but refuse to acknowledge the emotional abuse, gas lighting and ghosting that contributes to that.

Moral of the story men: If you don’t want something serious make sure your actions align with that. Don’t be purposely confusing, it can’t possibly be that hard to find someone on the same page as you. If you find yourself in some unnecessary drama, understand it’s your fault.

On to the ladies.

Cuz we ain’t so innocent either.

Sis, you can’t cry and complain about this man walking in and out your life literally fucking with you whenever he feels like it without acknowledging that you’re the one who keeps opening up the door and giving him the keys sis!

Like shorty in the tweet said, if he made himself clear, it is now your responsibility to leave him the hell alone. Don’t leave it up to him to let you know about his trash intentions. However, if his actions say a completely different thing than his mouth I understand where the confusion comes from. Confusion leads to a bunch of dumb ass, clown ass, decisions. Now you’ve been finessed into keeping a goofy around.

I rarely ever call ya’ll dumb but in all honesty, it is dumb AF to think that sex, loyalty, good food and emotional support will make somebody change their minds. I hate whoever socialized women into making us believe that not only do we have to stretch ourselves thin and go through hell and back, but we also gotta wait on a mf to wake up and see that we are worthy enough to be their girlfriends?!?!

BITCH PLEASE!

Find you some self-esteem because that line of thinking has got to go! You’re the prize sis! Act like it!

Another reason that the situationship you’re in is your fault is that you are not holding yourself accountable and you refuse to set boundaries and actually stick to them. If that mf doesn’t want to love you openly, honestly and in YOUR love language, then there’s nothing left to talk about. Block him.

If affection and sex are what you desire then buy yourself a teddy bear, pay a visit to your nearest sex store and make it work.

“But Kia it’s not the same,” you think to yourself while reading this.

Well, I know it’s not but I also don’t care.

You wanna know another reason why this is your fault? Because you keep making up a million reasons to keep fuckin with someone you KNOW isn’t good for you, thus contributing to your own misery.

I don’t care if his dog died, the plant ran away and he’s been eating Ramen noodles for the past week, tell that mf to call on God and block his number.

If you keep finding yourself in the same predicament, search within and realize that you are apart of the problem sis!

Moral of the story: I just want us all to do better! In a perfect world, I dream that men and women will be able to sit down with one another and clearly communicate what it is that they are looking for. If neither party is able to come to an agreement, both should be able to walk away.

Now that you know how the situations we find ourselves in are (y)our fault, the better question is what are you going to do about it?

 

 

Have you ever been in a situationship? How did it start and how did it end? What were some dumb reasons you made up to justify the continuation of dealing with them? What do you think of the picture posted on The Shade Room? Which side are you on? Talk to me in the comments and let me know 

Why Is It So Hard To Forgive?

Why Is it So Hard To Forgive-

Betrayal from the people you love who are supposed to love you leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The initial shock from finding out about their betrayal is strong enough to make your head spin. And the rage you feel, well that’s enough to make you feel like you either need to be in somebody’s mental institution or jail cell before you really hurt somebody.

Which brings me to my next point:

I have a confession to make: I really suck at being forgiving. It’s like I try to move forward about certain things, but at this moment I just CAN’T.

It frustrates me. I would like to think of myself as a person who is very carefree, full of positivity and mature enough to regulate all my emotions, especially the ones when I’ve been betrayed.

So I began to ask myself, why is it so hard for me to forgive? Am I out here living fraudulently? Do my struggles with forgiveness disrupt my overall positive persona?

Well, the short answer is no.

However, I noticed a friend of mine on Twitter tweet about the 4 stages of forgiveness on Sunday (Hey, @DarrienDyrell) and I finally got some insight.

 

The Hurt

So say you’ve had a homegirl or homeboy that you’ve been rocking with for a while when all of sudden, that person near and dear to your heart just does some completely-left-field snake ass shit.

How you gone feel when you find out?

I bet you can’t even fathom the hurt. One minute you and this person are just close as ya’ll usually are, the next minute you find out that this person isn’t who they portrayed themselves to be. Now you gotta break up with your friend and I don’t care what nobody says, breaking up with a friend is far worse than breaking up with a significant other!

Hurt is inevitable in this thing called life but it doesn’t make it any less mentally draining.

The Hate

So once you get over the shock of being hurt, next thing you know is that you have feelings of hatred towards them. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s real. You hate what they did to you. You hate yourself for being so trusting, so open, so vulnerable. You hate them again for making you feel a type of way. You damn near wanna beat they ass. But you don’t. Instead you let that hate simmer and bubble up inside you with no one to really vent to because all you’ll hear is that “life is too short to hate anyone” and then you feel like a weak ass bitch that’s not really committed to growing because if you were, then why have you allowed yourself to hate them?

But then again, maybe that’s just me. *shrug*

 

The Hook

So after you let that hate bubble up inside of you, you have this thought like “okay…. maybe I should just get over this. This is unhealthy.” Like my friend @DarrienDyrell said, the hook is holding on to the hurt. Attaching or hooking the action to the person can hinder our well being, our growth. Once we unhook them, we will not interact with them out of the hurt and hate they caused.

Eventually, we gotta get over rolling our eyes and sucking our teeth at a bitch we don’t like anymore.  Eventually, we gotta heal.

But how? How do we really feel about the person who betrayed us outside of the hurt? Why do we choose to hold on to things?

The Healing

This is the part I’m stuck on but I do know this: As cliche as it sounds, forgiveness is not something you do for other people. (Half the time, the person who betrayed you doesn’t even think they did something wrong.) Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Nobody wants to let someone have so much power over them that every time you see them your whole vibe changes. I read somewhere recently that when someone you love betrays you, it’s actually a good thing because they showed you who they truly are and you needed that. In my opinion, the only thing worse than getting betrayed is being around someone who portrays to have your best interest at heart and they truly don’t. Betrayal exposes the snakes in the grass so you can go through the stages of forgiving them and focus on the healing, which is really the hard part.

 

1 more thing about forgiving

So you are taking the steps to heal. It’s hard ass work I know… And it sucks on top of that.

Remember that when you heal from a situation, it doesn’t mean that you have to allow the people who hurt you back in your life.

Remember that you are a complex person… struggling with forgiveness doesn’t cancel out all your other attributes. Allow yourself to be human and give yourself the room to work on yourself. (that was for me)

Be thankful that people showed you who they truly are. Everyone in your life has a season, sometimes a person’s season goes quicker than others.

It’s quite normal to feel a small sense of pain seeing someone who hurt you after a while. You’re human. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying to heal, it just means you aren’t a robot.

Lastly, its quite normal to feel nothing when you see someone who hurt you. Maybe that’s a sign that you are truly healed from the situation. Either way it goes, own all of your emotions behind it and understand that sometimes, there will be no answer behind why it’s so hard to forgive.

 

XOXOXO,

Kia ♥

 

Question time: What’s the hardest part about forgiving? Is there currently a situation where you are holding on to some hurt or anger towards someone? Are you interested in healing? What does forgiveness mean to you? What does it feel like?