Betrayal from the people you love who are supposed to love you leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The initial shock from finding out about their betrayal is strong enough to make your head spin. And the rage you feel, well that’s enough to make you feel like you either need to be in somebody’s mental institution or jail cell before you really hurt somebody.
Which brings me to my next point:
I have a confession to make: I really suck at being forgiving. It’s like I try to move forward about certain things, but at this moment I just CAN’T.
It frustrates me. I would like to think of myself as a person who is very carefree, full of positivity and mature enough to regulate all my emotions, especially the ones when I’ve been betrayed.
So I began to ask myself, why is it so hard for me to forgive? Am I out here living fraudulently? Do my struggles with forgiveness disrupt my overall positive persona?
Well, the short answer is no.
However, I noticed a friend of mine on Twitter tweet about the 4 stages of forgiveness on Sunday (Hey, @DarrienDyrell) and I finally got some insight.
So say you’ve had a homegirl or homeboy that you’ve been rocking with for a while when all of sudden, that person near and dear to your heart just does some completely-left-field snake ass shit.
How you gone feel when you find out?
I bet you can’t even fathom the hurt. One minute you and this person are just close as ya’ll usually are, the next minute you find out that this person isn’t who they portrayed themselves to be. Now you gotta break up with your friend and I don’t care what nobody says, breaking up with a friend is far worse than breaking up with a significant other!
Hurt is inevitable in this thing called life but it doesn’t make it any less mentally draining.
So once you get over the shock of being hurt, next thing you know is that you have feelings of hatred towards them. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s real. You hate what they did to you. You hate yourself for being so trusting, so open, so vulnerable. You hate them again for making you feel a type of way. You damn near wanna beat they ass. But you don’t. Instead you let that hate simmer and bubble up inside you with no one to really vent to because all you’ll hear is that “life is too short to hate anyone” and then you feel like a weak ass bitch that’s not really committed to growing because if you were, then why have you allowed yourself to hate them?
But then again, maybe that’s just me. *shrug*
So after you let that hate bubble up inside of you, you have this thought like “okay…. maybe I should just get over this. This is unhealthy.” Like my friend @DarrienDyrell said, the hook is holding on to the hurt. Attaching or hooking the action to the person can hinder our well being, our growth. Once we unhook them, we will not interact with them out of the hurt and hate they caused.
Eventually, we gotta get over rolling our eyes and sucking our teeth at a bitch we don’t like anymore. Eventually, we gotta heal.
But how? How do we really feel about the person who betrayed us outside of the hurt? Why do we choose to hold on to things?
This is the part I’m stuck on but I do know this: As cliche as it sounds, forgiveness is not something you do for other people. (Half the time, the person who betrayed you doesn’t even think they did something wrong.) Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Nobody wants to let someone have so much power over them that every time you see them your whole vibe changes. I read somewhere recently that when someone you love betrays you, it’s actually a good thing because they showed you who they truly are and you needed that. In my opinion, the only thing worse than getting betrayed is being around someone who portrays to have your best interest at heart and they truly don’t. Betrayal exposes the snakes in the grass so you can go through the stages of forgiving them and focus on the healing, which is really the hard part.
1 more thing about forgiving
So you are taking the steps to heal. It’s hard ass work I know… And it sucks on top of that.
Remember that when you heal from a situation, it doesn’t mean that you have to allow the people who hurt you back in your life.
Remember that you are a complex person… struggling with forgiveness doesn’t cancel out all your other attributes. Allow yourself to be human and give yourself the room to work on yourself. (that was for me)
Be thankful that people showed you who they truly are. Everyone in your life has a season, sometimes a person’s season goes quicker than others.
It’s quite normal to feel a small sense of pain seeing someone who hurt you after a while. You’re human. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying to heal, it just means you aren’t a robot.
Lastly, its quite normal to feel nothing when you see someone who hurt you. Maybe that’s a sign that you are truly healed from the situation. Either way it goes, own all of your emotions behind it and understand that sometimes, there will be no answer behind why it’s so hard to forgive.
Question time: What’s the hardest part about forgiving? Is there currently a situation where you are holding on to some hurt or anger towards someone? Are you interested in healing? What does forgiveness mean to you? What does it feel like?