Hey y’all, welcome to the second entry for #ShareItSundays. This post is from Tamika Ayers and originally appeared on tamikaayers.us
This blog takes readers through the sex conversation of the author and her spouse.
Initially, when I got engaged to my husband I was like “YES!! LEGAL SEX!! LET’S GOOOOOO!! No judgment zone! Do it do it do it!” I think I was more excited about that than I was about anything else. I mean to be preached at for all of your life that sex is for married people only; the desire to have it freely was mine for the taking!! YAAAASSSS GAWD!! That’s not how it suppose to be, but that’s what I was thinking, lol! As we got further along in our marriage, I realized I didn’t have that much experience sexually which had me a tad bit insecure. I wasn’t even sure that I was pleasing him despite the obvious evidence.
I mean, it wasn’t my first go around when it came to sex, but I wasn’t familiar with it enough to know what exactly I needed to do when it came to different positions, mindset, etc. I was a good kisser and I was relying on that HEAVILY, but um muh ruh… Sex was all the way different than kissing. And that one position everybody was doing became overly used. I enjoyed it, but I wasn’t sure he enjoyed it.
Yep. Talk about amateur. Like literally I was telling myself, I have got to try something new. Change this thang up a little bit. That required me to step out of my comfort zone and look… dumb! Okay maybe not dumb, but I had to jump out of my comfort zone. I struggled with this because I don’t like to embarrass myself and I don’t like to look stupid. If I do something, I need to be successful at it right then. No mess up zone!
There was a constant mental image in my head that IF I tried something new and my husband would be like “Girl what tha heck are you doing?” I would cry my eyes out and be in quiet mode until I got my dignity back. So then I was like “What if he wouldn’t like my new moves or maybe my choice of lingerie?” He’s already told me that I couldn’t dance and my choice of lingerie needed less material, LOL! SIR, I AM SAVED AND SANCTIFIED! We don’t wear all of that in HOLINESS!! Yea… I was losing.
I mean to me, it had to be RIGHT. No mess ups. Everything had to be perfect and since the negative thoughts trumped the concept that this is my life partner so he wouldn’t judge my mess ups I just stayed in my good ol’ Hello Kitty cotton onesie (JUDGE ME NOT! They’re really warm, lol!), big T-shirts, and bonnet. Chiiiiiile… I needed to sleep comfortably, lol! I didn’t picture myself taking the reins in my sex life and letting him rest from dominating because… I NEVER DID and I DIDN’T WANT TO LOOK CRAZY!
So I did the impossible and I asked him: “Do I satisfy you sexually?” and “What do you like?”
Believe it or not, talking about sex makes me feel sooo weird. Like I thought about it a lot, but having to actually talk about it made me shiver. So having this conversation with my husband was MAJOR for me. Initiating the conversation was that much more major. It was a moment of vulnerability (remember I hate vulnerable moments) because I had to be open to critique (if there were any) and I had to get out of the mindset of habit. I’m a creature of habit no matter how exciting life is. As blunt as my husband is, the conversation was AMAZING! I learned what he liked and what he enjoyed. I learned what he likes to see me in and what he zones in on. This then allowed me to try new things because I knew what I was working with. I had a foundation to build on that was developed by a single conversation.
The conversation of what pleases you and what your husband desires is VERY important. The act of sex is pleasing the other partner, but you can’t go in there thinking it’s all about you. That selfish situation will have you fulfilled and your spouse starving for that fulfillment. This leaves the door open for other things and thoughts to manifest that shouldn’t. I’m not saying cheating is okay. It’s absolutely not okay. I do believe that we should do our best to not contribute to the temptation.
Have the conversation.
In the words of my husband “We’ve got forever to go so let’s make this work!”
Like what you read? Visit Tamika’s website at tamikaayers.us and follow her on Instagram and Twitter @iamtamika_ayers