Although I talk about it a lot, I’m no expert when it comes to this journey of finding self-love. None of us are really. We are all just mere works in progress, hoping & wishing that one day we will look back on our lives and hope that we got it right.
Every so often, I like to do pulse checks. Where am I in this journey? How much have I grown? What more do I have left to improve? I’ll admit, I get weary from time to time. It’s not easy trying to love me… ALL OF ME….ALL THE TIME. Accepting these flaws and imperfections. Coming to terms with the fact that once upon a time I’ve moved funny, did scandalous shit and hurt not only myself but some innocent people all because I refused to do the work of loving myself. Understanding that I have duality as a person is some wild ass shit.
The most recent pulse check came about a month ago, when my little cousin came to visit me on a Saturday afternoon. As the older cousin, I am the example that my younger ones look to when it comes to stories about life and love. I try to be as transparent as possible– mostly to show them that I’m not as perfect as they think but also so they will make less dumb ass decisions than I did.
Anyways, I was asked about an old situation– a common story about a guy I loved too much and a girl I damn near hated cuz I wasn’t in the position that she was in, with this guy. Lines were crossed, bridges were burned and to this day I am embarrassed at the way I once acted. Jealous, extra and eventually emotionally drained from the situation, I had to take a step back and breathe. Get away, literally and figuratively so I could find myself again and stop tweaking.
I explained to baby cousin that my role in that situation wasn’t innocent and that ultimately, it’s pointless to create a beef with another woman simply because you desire to be a man’s object of affection. The real tea is that these niggas will do what they want with whom they want. That’s why it’s important to choose you. Baby cousin fell silent, perhaps because the wheels were turning in her head or maybe she took it to heart what I had to say. Once I said that it kind of felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I’m hard on myself when it comes to this journey of self-love. As I said at the beginning of this post, I’m no expert when it comes to this shit and to be honest I’m still out here making dumb ass decisions. But at that moment during that conversation, I knew that I had grown.
So in lieu of doing my pulse check, here are a few things I discovered about myself so far:
Self-love is knowing that who you are, just as you are is enough.
I’ve struggled with trying to turn myself into everything I thought a man wanted me to be only to find out that no matter what they will never be satisfied and secondly… I’m enough. I don’t need to crouch myself into anyone else’s desires, the right person for me will accept me just as I am. Because who I am is enough.
Self-love is allowing yourself to love those who have once hurt you but accepting that it is okay to handle those same people with a long-handled spoon.
I talk and tweet a lot about boundaries– the importance of setting them, keeping them and maintaining them, especially when it comes to people we love. It’s inevitable to get hurt, but you don’t have to allow the same hurt to happen over and over again.
Self-love is prioritizing healing.
The truth is, I could’ve given up on love a long time ago. When heartbroken, people tend to make these dramatic ass proclamations that they will never open up or love again. I’ve said those same things once before but in reality, I am a hopeless romantic. In order to get the love and long-lasting partnership I truly desire, I had to prioritize my healing process. I was never in control of what happened to me but I am in control of how I respond to it and how I will try to move forward. I spent a long ass time being bitter and truth be told, that’s not a good look on me. Healing is now my priority. I’m trying to truly live my best life and love myself fiercely through it all.
Self-love is knowing that my journey is not going to be easy. It won’t look like anyone else’s. But in the end it will be worth it.
I imagine myself being this grown ass woman who just has it together on the self-love tip: I don’t compromise myself for anyone, I don’t settle for less than I deserve, I honor my mind, body, and spirit, AND I stick to the boundaries I have created for myself. This woman isn’t a perfect woman by a long shot and this journey has been anything but smooth. It won’t look like the next woman’s either… but I know it will be worth it. The hardest things we desire to achieve are usually hard and I am no stranger to hard work!
Moral of the story…
I’m no expert. I’m still working on becoming my best self and loving me every step of the way. However, it does feel great to finally notice some growth.
Be nice to yourself & don’t forget to take note of your own self love discoveries.