Stop Asking Us Why We Wait

Untitled design (1)To start this off, I want to issue a trigger warning, because its been a minute since I’ve written about r*pe. As a victim   survivor of the circumstance myself, writing about it, reading about it is honestly just triggering as fuck.

Regardless, I can’t keep quiet and watch you all continuously tear down other survivors of the circumstance due to your own ignorance. Every week, I watch y’all spew hatred and place blame on EVERYONE except the person who did the actual crime. I watch y’all justify and defend and down right CAP for abusers left and right, simply because some have influence. Some have power. And some were your “role models” growing up.

Social media has literally been making my stomach turn for a number of incidents. From that Orange Bitch in the White House tweeting that if the accusations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh were true, then the accuser would have filed a police report 36 years ago, to y’all caping for Bill Cosby because he’s “old and blind”, enough is enough!

I’ve been wondering how could you all have the gall to even ask why women wait to report sexual assault, but maybe you are unaware and don’t understand how this works.

Maybe you are under the assumption that as soon as someone gets sexually violated, they then have the strength to go through the legal process and then boom, all is taken care of and the perpetrator is thrown in jail. And then the victim lives happily ever after.

I don’t expect y’all to be that dumb, but you know… if you’ve never been sexually assaulted before, then you deadass may not understand shit about shit, so that’s why it’s easy for you to spew your hatred and opinions.

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

Remember when Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas? What did y’all do to her? What did y’all say about her? Remember when we publicly watched R.Kelly’s grown ass marry 15-year-old Aaliyah, piss on a 14-year-old girl, post up outside of Kenwood High School, and even to this day has some sort of sex cult going on, what did y’all say about those girls? Bill Cosby said it out his own mouth that he bought drugs for women so he could have sex with them, literally said it out his own mouth and y’all are STILL convinced that those women are lying.

I say all that to say that if we actually had a chance at being believed, then maybe we would report more. Did you know that out of every 1,000 sexual assaults that happen, 994 perps will walk free?

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

Did you know that 2 out of 3 sexual assault cases go unreported? I’m sure women and other people who were sexually assaulted would report more if they had more support. If only they were met with compassion and kindness. If some weren’t bullied into being quiet. Did you know that 7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim? So naw, contrary to what is publicized on TV and movies, a rapist is not someone waiting in the bushes waiting to get your ass.

In the #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, thousands shared their stories of being violated and staying silent about it. Fear, backlash, and even their own family members were the common reasons why so many choose to suffer in silence for so long. Some even place blame on themselves, wondering if they could have did or said something different would have stopped that heinous crime.

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

Did you know that out of all victims of sexual abuse, 34% are under the age of 12 while 66% are ages 12-17? That means that every 2 out of 3 kids in that age range that you know, 2 out of 3 of them may be victims of sexual assault. Concluding with this, 93% of perpetrators are known to the victim.

Imagine being a kid and being assaulted and not feeling comfortable enough to tell anyone because you know exactly who did it, or you feel like what happened to you was somehow your fault. Imagine the blame, actually being placed on you. I know exactly how it feels, because I was once that kid.

Stop Asking Us Why Wait 

At this point, I just wish y’all would just admit that y’all hate women and y’all don’t care that someone gets proper justice. Some of you have mentioned that all those women are lying and just want money, fame, etc. Y’all wonder why many only come forward when someone has reached a certain status of affluency. Y’all wonder why white men “don’t get convicted for the same crimes”

As I mentioned above, 994 perpetrators walk free when accused of sexual assault. So not only are people NOT REALLY going to jail for these crimes, but did you also know that only 2-8% of rapes are falsely reported? Yes, it’s true that some people do lie but it does NOT negate the fact that the number of unreported, non-convicted number is so high.

When women do report things in a timely manner, society condemns them no matter how young or old. The other day on Twitter, I watched y’all condemn someone for putting her drink down at a party for two seconds to hand her friend a napkin, and when she picked it back up there was a green pill floating in it. Instead of condemning the person that put it in her drink, y’all attacked her.

The message all of these incidents portray is that everything is our fault, we should be more careful, we should know more, we shouldn’t be trusting, we shouldn’t drink, or go outside or breathe at this point. Or we’ll get r*ped and if we say something it’s our fault. And if we don’t say something, it’s our fault. And if we say something years down the line, it’s our fault.

Why don’t y’all have this same energy for abusers? Not just the celebrity ones either, but the ones in your own neighborhood, in your friend group, at church, the ones in your own family?

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

I think the narrative should switch from “Why did it take her          years to reveal this?”

To

“It’s a shame that she had to suffer with this secret for         years, I am glad she’s receiving peace.”

Instead, y’all cap all day long on Al Gore’s internet and basically say that Black men shouldn’t get convicted of sexual assault because white men get away with it. What that says to me is, not only do you NOT give a fuck about women or justice but you also just simply want to be white because whiteness = power and y’all desire that shit so much.

I wish y’all had this same energy about the criminal justice system when we discuss how Blacks and Latinos are disproportionately locked up for shit like weed, meanwhile White folks go to Colorado and start weed farms. Now that is some shit to rant and rave about.

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

We will continue to wait until y’all start holding people accountable, and not just celebrities either. Your homies need to be checked and locked up for the creepy shit they do, too.

Until y’all stop protecting abusers.

Until y’all stop accusing anyone who speaks up as someone who is just trying to tear someone else down.

Until y’all actually know, learn, and understand what consent is.

Until y’all unlearn all the harmful messages about women’s bodies and the access you perceive you have to them.

Until you examine what in you makes you want to protect abusers so much.

Until you start believing, start supporting, and start providing safe spaces for those who speak up.

Until you learn basic empathy and compassion, even if you have never experienced sexual assault yourself.

Experiencing sexual assault is a literal nightmare. The least you can do is stop asking us why we wait.

P.S. To my survivors of the circumstance who may be reading this: I don’t care if you are 6 or 66, I believe you. I love you. And whether you choose to live in silence or use your voice loudly, I support you.

Praying for more empathy and understanding,

Kia ♥


Sources

http://time.com/5403230/donald-trump-tweets-sexual-assault-reporting/

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/whyididntreport-hundreds-of-thousands-confide-their-stories-of-rape-abuse/

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/children-and-teens

https://www.ourresilience.org/what-you-need-to-know/myths-and-facts/

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence

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5 Ways Men Can Love Themselves Better

5 Ways Men Can Love Themselves Better

When I did my self-love workshop back in March, a couple of my guy friends came through and I learned something interesting: Men really don’t discuss self-love nor are they taught how to have love for themselves. This self-love phenomenon is primarily preached to women, meanwhile men just kinda slip through the cracks.

That’s not fair to me. I think both men and women need to commit to loving themselves better but the onus always falls on women. Nobody can do the work for you, you have to learn how to do the work yourself.

Here’s 5 ways you can love yourself better, King.

5. Clip Those Nasty Ass Fingernails

I’ll give it to you straight: There is nothing more disgusting than a guy with nasty ass fingernails who always wants to stick his fingers inside of you. CLIP. THOSE. SHITS!

One time I dated a guy who kept his fingernails long so he could break down a blunt better and whew chile, the the yeast infections. While we love men who work with their hands, we also love men who take care of their hands too. Wash them, clip them, hell go get a manicure if you feel so inclined. Nobody has time to be going to the doctor just because you think it’s okay to have backwoods, flamin’ hot, and dirt residue underneath your nails.

Clip yo shit dawg.

4. Do Some Exercise

I’m no fitness guru at all (hell, I wanna cancel my gym membership RIGHT NOW), but I think a great way to show that you love yourself is when you take care of your body. I’ve discovered that not only does working out help with stamina during sex (because let’s be honest, y’all should not be 27 doing the same three positions and finished in 20 minutes) but when you look good….you feel good. Can’t afford a gym membership? No worries! Youtube has a bunch of at home workouts you can do.

Take care of your body King.

3. Be Mindful of What You Consume

And I’m not just talking about food here. Evaluate who’s around you. Evaluate what you are listening to. What are you reading? What messages about life, women, money, self development, etc are being preached to you? How much time do you spend on social media vs the time that you spend with yourself? Your mind is so important, watch what you put in it.

2. Honor Your Emotions

This is tricky territory because most men think that being a man and being emotionally competent just don’t mix. When y’all are allowed to express emotions, society has said that the only ones that are acceptable are anger or violence. I’m here to tell you that it is okay to feel shit. Misogyny and patriarchy has been embedded in all of us to say that when you express yourself, it means that you are soft, you a bitch, or God forbid, you’re gay… *eye roll*

Then you become this sort of robot. You got all these walls built up. You have issues communicating in your partnerships you have with women, because some women (actually, a lot of us) have internalized misogyny and the moment you open up your mouth, some women will accuse you of being over emotional. To me, there’s no such thing as being over emotional but there is such thing as not properly handling your emotions.

I say all this to say: Take the time to self reflect so you can become self aware. I don’t care where you start, just start. After a while, we become too old to chalk up character flaws as “this is just how I am.”

Do the work, even if it’s hard… that’s one of the ways you know you truly love yourself.

1. Get Tested

I am a firm believer that when you truly love yourself, you take care of your body.

I don’t understand that how, in the year of 2018, there are so many men who don’t know their STD status. Is ignorance truly bliss? Every sexually active male on this earth needs to have a standard check up every three months. Even if you are in a monogamous relationship, you AND your partner should be getting tested. For example, does your lady constantly get UTI’s, yeast infections, or BV? Then it HAS to be something about you that’s knocking her PH level off. Go to the doctor bro. I understand that there is a stigma surrounding STD’s and honestly sex education in America is trash but STILL. GO TO THE DOCTOR BRO.

  • WHEN YOU CATCH A NEW BODY, GO.
  • WHEN YOU GO BACK TO AN OLD BODY GO.

Sure, you can use condoms and what not, but to be honest, a lot of y’all don’t AND I’m pretty sure you’re not giving or receiving oral sex with dental dams and condoms on. Or did y’all forget that sexally transmitted infections can get passed orally as well?

Also, it’s not really about the number of sexual partners you have anymore, but it is about the number of risky behaviors you engage in. A lot of men are asymptomatic, which means even if you have something like chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc, the shit won’t show up! You can catch something from a sexual encounter you had with someone three months ago, not know it and pass it on to a new partner three months later.

It is SO important to get tested. At least every three months Kings.

Uninsured? Well look, google the nearest free or reduced public health clinic in your area. I know for a fact that Planned Parenthood services men and some other clinics out here have free testing days.

You know you truly love yourself when you prioritize you and your partner’s sexual health. If you are currently fucking someone who feels a type of way when you ask them to go get tested, that’s a clear sign that you shouldn’t be fucking them.

Moral of the story, go get tested Kings!

 


I hope you all enjoyed my 5 tips but in no way is this list exhaustive! If you have something to add, please comment below!

Love,

Kia ♥

Work While You Wait

working while you wait

I wake up in the morning to notifications of my account being overdrawn on top of a $34 fee being added as if I have the actual money in my account to pay them + the amount of what was overdrawn. ( @ Banks, specifically @ChaseBank, why do ya’ll do that dumb ass shit?)

I shake my head in disgust, because I’m not sure what the fuck my life has come to. Over the past year, I’ve been underemployed and at the current moment of writing this, I am unemployed. While it has not been this way for long, I will say this: it is expensive as hell to be broke. Although Twitter has said that we shouldn’t call ourselves broke, it is simply what I am.

Broke as in not having it.

As in can’t afford to pay my rent on time cuz ain’t no income coming in.

As in having to spend money I don’t have on transportation.

As in can’t afford to go on trips with my friends because ain’t no extra money.

As in when I do get money, it has to go to bills, rent, and other important miscellaneous items. (Which reminds me, why is it that when you’re in a financial struggle, the wildest, most random shit goes wrong?)

This constant cycle has been draining to say the least.

Job app after the job app. Interview after interview…. and thus far, nothing.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been wondering how my usually positive ass is supposed to stay positive in a time like this? This shit is HARD as FUCK! My anxiety has been through the roof every other week and I’m starting to think it’s unhealthy for me to go through as many emotions as I do in a day. The crazy part about it is that this isn’t my first go-round with not having a stable paycheck. I’ve been unemployed a few times before, but this time just feels different. Being broke in college is normal because even if you don’t have a stable job you at least get a refund check every semester which can pay your rent up for 6 months and then you receive another one for the next 6 months.

But being financially unstable as an adult? Without the safety net of college?

Yeah, this shit feels different. And not a good different. Different as in post-grad depression creeps back in, different as in feeling like you haven’t mastered being an adult yet, different like you’re the odd one out when most of your friends make more money than you.

As I said, staying my positive self has been hard as hell these last few weeks… some days I didn’t want to get out the bed but if I stayed in the house, I would let my anxious thoughts take over and find myself in a crying fit, stressed as hell about my situation. When I was working at the school last year, I was forced to learn how to budget, start a little savings, etc. But I don’t care what the financial experts say, it’s hard as hell to keep that going when you don’t have a lot to begin with in the first place. Every day since I have been back on the job hunt, I’ve asked myself what is a girl supposed to do?

Then the message came loud and clear: WORK WHILE YOU WAIT.

So as we all know, my optimistic and pessimistic side are constantly at war with each other, so at first I’m like… well how the hell am I supposed to do that?  

Then I thought about the very thing that has kept me going…. this blog! This blog that I have had the pleasure of refining, rebranding, pouring my heart into for the last 6 years, is MY WORK.

My self-love workshop that I recently got paid to host, IS MY WORK.

Becoming the best version of myself each day, IS MY WORK.

The work I do for Culture, IS MY WORK.

The work I do for Live Young, IS MY WORK.

I have been working all this time, but have been too fixated on the negativity that I couldn’t see that everything I need is already in front of me.

You have to work while you wait.

Even if that means not having a stable place to clock in yet.

I have always said that I want to be able to be a full time blogger one day. Imagine me realizing that this unemployed period is merely just practice for me. I’m not a full time entrepreneur yet, but I have observed enough in my life to know that every day is not going to be a day where you make money. Entrepreneurship is up and down and that’s okay. It’s what you do during the waiting period that matters. For me this looks like:

Waking up early (I’m up at least by 6AM everyday)

Checking my emails.

Working on my marketing plan for #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge (cuz look, if I can get paid for it once then that means I can get paid for it again and again) 

Running errands.

Write, write, write.

Scheduling social media posts and designing campaign strategies. 

Promoting my work.

Resting, (I don’t have to be on go mode all the time.)

Filling out job apps. 

Reaching out to mentors. 

The list really goes on.

Maybe you’re in the same predicament as me: underemployed or unemployed and waiting on something stable to come through. You may find yourself feeling down and out about this, and you know what? That’s okay. This is normal. But don’t DWELL there.

I want you to think about what you’re good at… What projects have you been putting off? What self-work have you been neglecting? What are ways that you can get this money outside of a job? (legally, lol) What updates need to be made to your resume?

One day last week for two days straight I found myself in a crying fit, stressed about my situation. The next day I got my ass up and went back to work. Allow yourself to feel what you feel but I beg you not to stay there. Find you some positive affirmations and repeat them to yourself until you start to believe them.

Most importantly, don’t forget to work while you wait. Something will come through and understand that the work you do now sets up the alignment for that. Sending love and light to  all those who are going through a tough financial time right now.

Love,

Kia giphy

P.S. If you liked this post and felt inspired by it… click these ads on my page lol or send a love offering to my Cash App $KiaSmithWrites.

Butterflies and Fireflies

Copy of Instagram Post – Untitled Design.png

Aside from wondering where I’ve been, I’m sure the title of this blog post is throwing you off as well LOL.

I know its weird. Bare with me.

This summer, I took a much needed hiatus from creating to work on myself– I mean really work on me.  

Compared to other summers (especially last summer), Summer 2018 wasn’t as bad as I slightly anticipated it to be. My summers are always humbling and while I of course had my normal bout of the broke-ass-millennial blues, these last three months were filled with laughter, love, and lots of twerking of course.

Around the last two weeks of July, a shift happened. Some may say it’s because all the planets went into retrograde but even if you aren’t into astrology, you can’t deny that the latter half of this summer (may have) shifted something inside you, too.

Ironically, it was the falling out with a lover of mine that helped me start this process of becoming my best self. A process that in the past, that I either avoided or simply put off time and time again. I decided that before I would point the fingers at anyone else, I would first start putting a mirror on my own self.

I’m not sure why the hell I would do that, because boyyyyyy did I learn some shit about myself that I didn’t like!

I’ve always been naturally self-reflective, but the past six weeks have been mind-boggling. I learned that not only do I possess toxic tendencies but I also have unresolved trauma just like everyone else.

Shocking right?!

I spent all of August going through lots of learning and unlearning a bunch of different shit. This process was similar to the transformation process that a caterpillar goes through to become a beautiful butterfly.

While it seems effortless, I’m here to say that transforming yourself is hard. It’s hard secluding yourself for days and weeks at a time. It’s hard having difficult convos with the ones you love. It’s hard creating, sticking to, and maintaining boundaries. It’s hard to call yourself out on your own shit.

But I did it. And I’m still doing it.

In July, I was finally able to write about a traumatic situation that happened last year. Not publicly on this blog, but within the pages of my journal, which was a difficult task. But on the anniversary of the situation, I wrote. I talked about it with loved ones. I was able to acknowledge my feelings about it and for once, I didn’t suppress my emotions. This is HUGE for me!

From then, I decided that August was a month of becoming better: I was focused on releasing, resetting, unlearning shit, speaking up, taking accountability for my own part in shit, being intentional, healing, expanding my mind, getting out my comfort zone, getting out my own way, resting, and finding ways to develop better habits.

Aside from journaling in my mental health journal (a journal I made strictly for the things I think, revelations about my healing process, etc) I also have been reading two books: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and The Universe Has Your Back. I got these from my local library but y’all can find them on Amazon or whatever.

None of this happened overnight and a lot of this is still a work in progress. But for once, I’m genuinely proud of myself for the changes I’ve been making. I never felt this way about myself before. It’s like I’m rooting for myself even when shit isn’t going my way. I FEEL like a different person and to be honest y’all….. it’s such a great feeling.

Of course though, my life is merely just a rollercoaster ride lol. It’s been moments where I’ve felt totally stuck and confused, it’s been moments where I’ve known exactly what to do and when to do it.

September is finally here and I’m most excited that I have inspiration to write again. Not only that, I’m excited about the things I’ve decided to focus on. While continuing the work that started six weeks ago, I recently tweeted that September is also about:

Screen Shot 2018-09-04 at 1.28.31 PM

It is so important for me to not only pray on these things but also put the work behind it.

Things ain’t perfect but they don’t have to be when you are truly doing the work.

I am allowing myself to transform into the butterfly that I know I am, while maintaining hope like the fireflies of the world symbolize.

If that’s not something worth celebrating, then I don’t know what is.

XOXOXO,

Kia giphy.gif