The Spooky Side of Self-Love

The Spooky Side of

Self-Love. It is a badge of honor to have a lot of this. It is said to be the greatest type of love to have, that when you love yourself— I mean ALL of yourself, your confidence level is on 1,000. You’re always aware of what you be doing. You set and maintain boundaries, you cut off any dead weight or toxic person that brings more pain than peace. And all of these things are true, because in the name of self-love, we deserve to reach our best selves daily. In spite of flaws. In spite of the messages we have internalized about ourselves. In spite of the fuck shit we do to ourselves.

As an unofficial self-love coach, I want y’all to understand this one thing about me: I still struggle with this shit too. I still struggle with not only acknowledging my flaws but holding myself accountable about them too. I struggle with the ways I treat my mind, body, and spirit when I don’t FEEL like loving myself, cuz that’s a real thing.

Truth be told, I think self-love has a deep and scary side to it, it’s not all shits and giggles at all. You simultaneously need to know how to thrive in both the light and the darkness to be your best self.

In self-love, we speak a lot on letting go of toxic people and things, but what if I told you that YOU are the toxic person that you need to let go? Then what?

What if I told you that YOU are the reason for your self sabotage?

What if I told you that you’re the one that’s actually addicted to chaos and it’s not the other way around?

What if I told you that when you ignore the signs your mind, body, and spirit is telling you, you’re the reason for your own self destruction?

What if I told you that the reason why we don’t really wanna dive into the dark side of self love is because not only is the shit scary, it’s lonely too?

And nobody likes to be lonely. Nobody likes to be misunderstood. As individualistic as we are, we still want to feel connected to our friends and family. No one likes to be SEEN as an other, I don’t care what anyone says.

Other spooky sides of self-love include:

Falling Apart To Get Back Together

The metamorphosis process is painful. It has literally felt like my heart was breaking or my literally skin was shedding. It hurts seeing the old you go. Cuz now you have to get to know this “new” person (who isn’t REALLY new, they were always inside of you, they just had to be manifested and nurtured) and the new person you are may seem a bit unfamiliar to you. It’s like you are constantly reintroducing yourself to your family, friends, coworkers, etc. Each time you discover something new about yourself you then have to either build upon who you already are or completely start over.

Accountability

I think this is the scariest part for ME. It’s like you get to the point where you can name all your problems and you’re super self aware but then what? Accountability is spooky AF because it actually forces you to do shit. We want all our problems to solve themselves but we know we can’t truly grow if we don’t put that work in.

Sometimes We Don’t Want To Put The Work In

Speaking of work, we know that doing the work of self-love is… exhausting to say the least. Sometimes I don’t wanna be self-aware. Sometimes I wanna give in to my toxic desires. Sometimes I wanna ignore my intuition. Its a lot of work to love yourself, no matter how worth it, it is.

 

Moral of the story, yeah self-love is spooky… but like Will Smith once said, everything we want is on the other side of fear.


Questions that need answers

  1. What areas do you struggle in when it comes to self-love?
  2. Is it okay to desire certain things from certain people yet NOT act on them?
  3. What scares you the most when it comes to self-love?
  4. How are you pushing past that fear anyway?
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The Do’s, The Don’ts, And The Layers of “Casual Sex”

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This all started when I commented on someone’s Instagram post when they asked if Friends With Benefits could actually work out. Of course, there were a lot of mixed responses, but one that stood out to me the most was when someone said “yes…. if sex is the only thing that y’all hit each other up for.”

I agreed with that BUT I also added that while it could work, it also depends on what the act of having sex means to you. Humans complicate things so much, so sometimes in our most “casual” encounters, one or both parties may find themselves performing some type of emotional labor for one another, even though things are supposed to be “casual.”

This led me to do a little research on what exactly emotional labor is and how does it manifest itself in all my relationships–especially my sexual ones.

In simple terms, emotional labor typically refers to managing your emotions in a professional workplace. When you apply this same line of thinking to non-professional settings, you will see that emotional labor shows up in all types of relationships. Some examples of emotional labor looks like: awareness of mood swings, likes, dislikes, asking if you ate today, asking about your anxiety levels, asking about your day, stroking your ego, etc.

Furthering my research, I found two articles that confirmed what I already knew: it is majority women in heterosexual relationships that shoulder the work of emotional labor because we are supposed to be “naturally understanding and nurturing” while men basically can go through life and not deal with any of this because we don’t give nigga’s room to explore their emotions in a healthy way. By we, I’m talking about society at large and those of us who have internalized misogyny.

So Wassup With Casual Sex?

Well first thing’s first: What does it mean to be casual? From the dictionary it says: happening by chance; fortuitous, without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing, seeming or tending to  be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned.

So if that’s the case, then why do so many people end up in situationships? When it comes to sex in general, the mindset behind it is changing. It’s no longer a thing we do just cuz some of us might be married or some of us want to reproduce. People have sex for all types of reasons, and probably the most common one is because we want to.

So Where Do The Emotions Come In At?

Drake said in one of his songs that “We live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together. But we sure make it feel like we are together, because we are scared to see each other with somebody else.”

Whew chile. If that’s not the truth. Lemme turn that quote on its head by saying further, I think we live in a generation where we are too afraid of being vulnerable and to afraid to give and receive love, yet we want the emotional labor performed.

Not saying that you have to pick one or the other but aye, this is where things get complicated….

But Kia, Sex and Love Are Two Different Things.

Are they really? Or are they closely related? What does having sex with someone, “casual” or not, mean to you? Only you can define that for yourself. In my opinion, I think sex and love are closely related BUT you do NOT have to love someone or be in love with someone to have sex with them. Did I contradict myself? Probably so.

Or maybe not. Sex is so complex. Humans are too. Mix the two and shit becomes difficult.

But, if you are a person who engages in casual sex or wants to, you may be wondering what are some of the do’s and don’ts of engaging in this act with someone. A while ago on Twitter, I tweeted my theory that people may catch feelings for a casual sex partner because we have all been socialized to think that casual partners should be treated like trash emotionally. When someone develops emotional competency, it disrupts the status quo of what we’ve been taught.

Now of course… some good dick or coochie shouldn’t have you out here crazy, because then that becomes an underlying issue with your attachment styles and the ways you refuse to regulate your emotions. Some things to consider when it comes to casual sex are

  • What types of actions should be avoided emotionally?
  • Do emotions have a place in casual sex?
  • What makes casual sex successful?
  • What makes casual sex so layered?

The Do’s

So you met you a lil somebody that you wanna have sex with but you’re not looking for a monogamous relationship and they aren’t either. Yay for you!! To keep it successful, I would suggest:

Communication – This needs to be open and honest. When you share your body with someone, I feel like you deserve to know how many people they are fucking. Ask them do they plan on having sex outside of the arrangement? How often or when is the last time you and them got tested? How casual is casual? What is the frequency that you all want to see each other? Talk about these things.

Honesty – Be honest with yourself and each other when it comes to casual sex. Think about your reasons for even doing this, with this person. Make sure you aren’t settling for casual sex when you know YOU want more. If more is what you want and that other person isn’t on the same page, please move forward. Otherwise, you set yourself up for disaster.

Protect Each Other – Casual sex does not equate to carelessness, especially when it comes to our bodies. If you have sex with others outside of the original arrangement, the least you could do is use condoms or whatever. You don’t have to treat your casual sex partners like trash emotionally or sexually. Period.

The Don’ts

If you want casual sex to be successful, you may want to avoid:

Stringing Them Along – Look, it’s not hard to tell if someone likes you and wants more. If you notice that, speak up about your boundaries and then GRACEFULLY make your exit. (because remember kids, ghosting them is not cool). Sometimes, we can get sooooo selfish that we string people along and have them in situations they don’t want to be in simply because we won’t establish and/or maintain boundaries. Y’all got folks out here performing an unbalanced act of emotional labor, because your mouth is saying one thing but your actions say something completely different. It is so many people out here to have sex with, find someone who is on the same page as you.

Emotional Labor – While you don’t have to treat your casual sex partner like trash, you also don’t gotta act like you’re in a relationship with them either. That means no cooking for one another, no cuddling, no spending the night at each other’s houses, no meeting each other’s family or friends, no dates. In fact, the only time y’all should even communicate is when y’all are deciding what day/time/location you all are going to link up to have sex. Dassit. Cuz its casual right? Why do you want all the extra stuff?

Being Messy – Nobody likes a messy partner,  especially one that’s just supposed to be there for sex. Don’t bring drama into y’all situation. Don’t bring back STD’s, don’t bring them into a situation where you got a ex who can’t let go and definitely don’t approach nobody if you have a hard time being real with yourself and others. Just don’t be careless!

The Layers

So, if you haven’t realized by now, I personally don’t think that casual sex is “casual” ……

Can it start off that way? Of course.

But why can’t it STAY that way? Because. Humans… we make shit hard.

You know how many times I’ve tried to be “casual” with a guy and then I find myself acting like his girlfriend???

As much as we try to avoid emotions, we forget that lust and desire are emotions, two necessary components when you wanna fuck somebody. We think so basic when it comes to emotions that we miss the key ones that even draw us to people in the first place.

Therefore, you can’t have sex WITHOUT emotions, however you can learn how to PROPERLY REGULATE them.

But as I said earlier, we can’t properly regulate our emotions if we have a hard time communicating them let alone admitting them in the first place. We’re afraid of being vulnerable. We’re afraid of not being liked back. We’re afraid of dealing with our own shit, so we use sex to distract us.

Is it possible to have a platonic sex partner who is also your homie, also someone you care deeply about, also someone you can go out on dates with, etc? Yes. As long as you two communicate those things.

Is good sex with someone probable cause to desire those things listed above? No. But also yes. Because regardless of what we call it, building things with people and learning all of their likes and dislikes is an intimate exchange of time.

Even being open and honest with one another when feelings change is hard.

The layers of casual sex is what makes things so complicated… Unless, of course you TRULY are a person who only hits people up or allows yourself to be hit up for sex and sex only. Which then I kinda feel like means you are suppressing an emotional side of yourself but if this practice is something that works for you and you like it, I love it.

Moral of the story

Always do what works for you. If you know casual sex is not your thing, don’t settle for it. If you know monogamy and sticking to one partner ain’t for you, don’t settle for it.

Emotions are more prevalent than we think, so even if you think you’re doing your best to avoid them, they’ll smack you in the face anyway.

Casual sex ain’t really casual.


Enough of me talking, let me hear what you think!

Have you ever engaged in casual sex?

Have you ever settled for casual sex with someone and wanted more from them?

If you are someone who prefers to engage in casual sex only, is it hard for you to find someone on the same page as you?

Are sex and love closely related or two different things to you?

Do you have difficulty admitting and talking about your emotions to your sex partners?

Have you ever been in a casual and fun sex partnership with someone and then one of you catches feelings? What is your next move?

Ghosts and Goblins

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“I’m sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you or anyone around you….” is how a recent text from a guy that ghosted me last year popped up.

I was flabbergasted. One reason was because I never expected to hear from him again and then, considering the type of guy that he is (or rather portrays himself to be) I definitely did not expect an apology…. even if it was generic.

But this isn’t about him or the shenanigans of Venus being in retrograde. 

Let’s talk about Ghosting. The thing that most people do, but everybody hates.

Gho-sting ɡōstiNG/ noun: Per my definition, ghosting is when you build a personal connection with a mf and then boom: out of nowhere things change and this person disappears into thin air. They don’t return calls, texts, and if you happen to live in the same city with them; you don’t see them…. like at ALL. Even if you purposely go to the same places they go or even pop up at their house. 

Needless to say, no matter what your reaction to being ghosted might be, the shit hurts. Like bad. But why does it hurt so much?

Consider Your Attachment Style

If you’re anything like me, it may take you a moment to open up to others, especially romantically. I think the more time you spend talking, building, dating, fucking — whatever, with someone your walls soften and you get used to a routine. When that routine is interrupted, it just feels weird. Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes getting ghosted can feel like you lost a piece of you and now you have to figure out who you are again before you even met this person and started a routine with them. Understanding that all relationships and friendships don’t last forever, but damn, who knew they’d be so temporary too? Our attachment styles have a lot to do with why we react so seriously when we get ghosted. Did we have a healthy attachment to that person? Or were we feeding a co-dependency issue that we have?

Ghosting Is Just Rude AF

Another reason why ghosting hurts so much is because its just RUDE AF! Some people feel like ghosting others is okay because not everyone deserves to know why you stopped fucking with them. That’s cool, but what if that SAME energy was returned back to you? However, I do think we take it so hard because our egos get bruised. We think we are such great people that we are untouchable when it comes to the nuances of developing close relationships with others. Aside from bruised egos, ghosting is rude as fuck because of how cowardly and childish it is. It’s okay to have changed feelings, but damn… can we exhibit some emotional maturity and just communicate?

If Someone Ghosts You, It’s Not Your Fault

Probably the worst part about getting ghosted (aside from generic ass apologies after the fact) is all the self-doubt that comes creeping up. You begin to question yourself like was I not good enough? Was I far more invested in this thing than they were? What is it about my personality that made them tired of me? Do I need to change something about myself so this never happens to me again?  Soooo many self-defeating thoughts, and if you already have low self esteem, then getting ghosted makes it worse. I have learned and I want you to understand that if someone ghosts you, it’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

For crying out loud, it is not your fault if someone ghosts YOU. 

We cannot control grown ass people (no matter how much we deeply desire to) nor their actions. It is not your fault if people wake up one day and decide to walk out your life, let them do it…. you’re the prize anyway.

What If I’m The One That Ghosted Somebody?

I have been that person too. And we ain’t shit for doing it. I remember I ghosted this really sweet guy and to this day he never treated me ill because of it, which makes me feel even worse for doing it. At that time in my life, I lacked a lot of emotional maturity and refused to learn how to communicate through my shit.

Still, it’s no excuse.

As I said earlier, it’s okay if you wake up one day and no longer have the same feelings toward someone and it’s okay if you no longer want to be in their life. But it’s HOW you walk out their life that matters and as I’ve said, to do so with no word or explanation is just rude AF, G.

Is There Ever A Situation Where It’s “OK” To Ghost Someone?

I’m still trying to figure this one out myself, because I know each case is different. Like one time, I was having casual sex with a guy and found out that the dick was trash…. so I ghosted him. He wasn’t trying to be my boyfriend and I wasn’t trying to be his girlfriend so to be honest, I don’t even think he noticed that I was gone lol.

In other cases, I do understand that sometimes you have to leave somebody exactly where they have you fucked up at. No explanation, especially when you’ve tried to communicate your feelings and they simply didn’t listen. I know people who have ghosted because of that.

Instead of finding situations where it’s okay to ghost someone, can we put that energy into oh Idk…. being comfortable with being vulnerable and actually TALKING about what goes on? Like, we can’t be childish forever. Use your words.

The Person Who Ghosted Me Has Apologized… Now What?

Shit….. don’t fall for it sis! Lol.

Y’all remember how on Insecure, Nathan ghosted Issa for a month and then tried to walk his yellow ass to her house with some flowers on her birthday? Like everything was all good? Whew chile, thank God for Molly intercepting because that could’ve taken a turn for the worse. That’s how I felt when that dude from last year texted me apologizing this weekend. Where was this energy last year? But I digress.

Understand that you don’t have to do anything. Not even wanna accept it if you don’t want to. You can actually pretend that the person doesn’t exist, cuz that’s how they did you when they ghosted you. (I’m a little petty, I know.)

Moral of the story

We all go through shit. Doesn’t mean you have to ghost anybody.

We all get ghosted. Stop blaming yourself, its not your fault.

Communicate, it makes things easier. Work through the issues you have with vulnerability. We all have to grow up some day.

Navigating relationships is scary enough. Let’s not add ghosting to the mix.


Have you ever ghosted someone?

Has someone ever ghosted you? If yes, how did it make you feel? Did your views on building relationships with people change?

How did you get over getting ghosted?