I remember when I wanted to be grown… I really wish I could go back in time and smack myself! I used to think that being grown was all about coming and going as you please, nobody telling you what to do, and fun all the time.
What a joke. This whole paying bills, working multiple jobs, having money but no time or time but no money, and paying off debt aspect of being grown? Yeah. That shit is for the birds.
And I’m overly over it. I wrote in my journal a couple weeks ago about how I was tired of just simply surviving. I would like to thrive. I wanna know how it feels to be free from some financial burdens (far fetched I know) and LIVE. Sometimes I think we as people get caught up in the mundane routine of life coupled with the stagnation of just trying to keep our heads above water that we forget to just live.
We also forget to stay thankful. To stay grateful. Because that sure as hell has been some shit I’ve been struggling with: staying grateful, even when shit is not going my way.
I mean I prayed for this.
I prayed for these jobs.
I prayed for these opportunities.
I prayed for this autonomy and financial freedom.
But I’m still not happy. What’s wrong with me? Is it wintertime blues or what, because though sis is strong… sis is tired. And overworked. And stressed the fuck out.
But yet and still, my optimistic inner voice is telling me to remain thankful. Not because “it could be much worse” like most people say, but because….. well to be honest I’ve been struggling with the “why”. I don’t know why I should stay thankful, I just know that I should.Without focusing too much on the why, I did come up with a couple how to’s. I’ve been trying to stay consistent with the practices and even practicing these things in small doses should give me some small wins right?
Here’s what I came up with:
Cry now, Boss Up Later
It’s important to allow yourself moments of sadness, because this grind is anything but glamorous. I don’t give a fuck what you see on social media, this shit is NOT easy. I used to pride myself on being so strong, smiling through the pain, and other things to convince myself I wasn’t falling apart but fuck all that now! I’m human. You are too. If I wanna cry and complain about something, I will. Then I’ll dry my tears and get back to work. But first, let me have a meltdown lol.
Remember That Everything Is A Stepping Stone
My mama tells me all the time, “you are not a rooted tree.” This means that any time I am dissatisfied and want to change something in my life, I can do it. Nothing is holding me back, only myself. I am free to spread my wings wherever. Even when in an undesirable position or a position that isn’t the right fit, I just look at everything as a stepping stone. I’m taking things one day at a time, building connections, learning what I’m supposed to learn and then moving on.
Creating And Celebrating Small Wins
I would be lying my ass off if I said that everything was all bad. Sometimes I think we focus so much on what isn’t going our way, what doesn’t feel right, and all the bad shit that happens that we miss out on our small wins. We refuse to create those small wins and we self-sabotage ourselves with our negative way of thinking. We ignore the signals our mind and bodies give us to rest, reset and just slow down because we are so focused on the bad. But even darkness light eventually will peek out right? I had to start creating and celebrating my small wins– which looks like a number of things depending on the day. It can be something as simple as showering as soon as I get home from work, cooking enough for two days, sleeping without my phone next to me, etc. Celebrate and create your small wins because regardless of what happens, no one can take away your power to do that.
To conclude, I’ll say this:
I was questioning on Twitter one day if adulting ever gets any easier? Does it ever let up? Will I ever not be sick and tired of being sick and tired?
The answer from many of my older peers was no. It doesn’t get easier but you do learn how to manage better.
And I guess that’s the space I’m in. Extracting the lessons and learning new tactics to manage myself + my affairs better.
Growth in all situations is something that I am most thankful for… even when shit goes left.