I think I’m in a toxic relationship with my ego.
The crazy part about it though, unlike most toxic things in my life, I can’t just get rid of her. She’s apart of me, just like I am apart of her. For every bad decision she has empowered me to make, she has also served as my protector away from the fuck shit. She reminds me not to settle and she makes me want to hold my head high, regardless of circumstances stacked against me.
Even with her good qualities, I’d be foolish to ignore that our relationship can get quite unhealthy at times.
Usually, I battle between letting her run the show (re: my life) completely, or I suppress her too much. That’s when the questions pop up: When should I starve her? When should I feed her?
So, I researched. I reflected deeply about who I am and who I want to be. This is necessary, because in order to know who she is, I must first know who I am.
Without further ado, here is my love letter to my ego.
Society teaches us to be ashamed of you, but lately I have wanted to do nothing but embrace you. Oftentimes we clashed because I thought we were so different. I thought that I was growing too much to have an ego, that I was above all egocentric things.
Truth is, I’m not.
I’ll admit though, I do get frustrated with you. I’ve allowed you to get me mixed up in some wild things girl. I’ve allowed you to make me unteachable at times. Too stubborn to ask for help. I’ve let you convince me that we needed to be stroked — by people who didn’t have our best interest at heart, all because we were chasing for thrill and attention that we didn’t even need. You’re sensitive. When your feelings get hurt, I allow you to make some of the most asinine decisions I’ve ever seen. I use the phrase “I allowed” because contrary to your belief, it is ME who controls you and NOT the other way around. That being said, moving forward I must do a better job at controlling you because we’re 25 now. Our childish and petty side shouldn’t be exposed to nobody. We want a healthy emotional state and we don’t wanna fuck up no bags (re: money and opportunities) just because we haven’t tapped into self control. We also don’t want to repeat the same unhealthy patterns as we seek to develop and maintain relationships with people. You’re not a demon. You’re more like the annoying younger sibling that I love so much but still have to let you know when you’re overstepping your boundaries.
On the contrary, I love you because you have allowed me to finally recognize you, thus making me more self aware. You remind me daily that I’m the shit. You encourage me to never settle. You help me to have unwavering faith in what I believe in. You let me know that I can talk my shit AND I can back it up. Ironically, you ever hold me accountable at times, especially when I want to step out of character and do something stupid. You help me not focus so much on pleasing others and help me discern which guys are right for me and which ones aren’t. This side of you is like the grown up version of me. You aren’t meek. You don’t dim your light for anyone. You manage to stay humble when necessary but trust me… when I let you out to play, you aren’t scared to tell people who you are and exactly what you are about. What I love most about this side of you is that you aren’t easy to impress.
As I gain more wisdom, I know exactly what I must do to balance you out. I no longer desire to be controlled by you or hide you. I know when to feed you and when to starve you. Because of you, you have taught me exactly when to shut up and when to speak out. Like code-switching for the psyche, we have learned exactly who and what we can reveal ourselves to, a necessary survival tactic if you’re gonna make it in this world.
That being said, I love you ego. You are balanced. And thank you for being apart of me.
Are you in an unhealthy relationship with your ego? How do you manage it?
When do you know when to feed your ego and when do you know when to starve it?
What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever allowed your ego to make you do?