Exploring Celibacy

I have been having sex since I was 14 years old. As you read this, please understand two things about that: 1. That is not something I am flexing about. 2. That is something I no longer live in shame about either.

It is just a fact. And like most facts, mine come with a story. The story goes like this: It was never my idea to begin having sex so early. But, I had a boyfriend at the time who was older than me. He wanted to have sex. I wanted to please him.

The rest was history.


I’ve been trying to find the words to describe what the last 11 years have been like for me. Outside of therapy, I never took the time to process the years of recurring trauma and how it impacted me. I guess you can say that I am unpacking it here with you. If you’re still reading this, then I should be transparent and let you know that the last 11 years has left me with I’ve experienced:

  • Countless heartbreaks.
  • A couple trips to the clinic because chlamydia is real, and not being safe sexually is real too.
  • 2 pregnancies followed by 2 abortions 2 years apart.
  • Being treated like a sex object.
  • Being summed up by my sexual ability.
  • My discernment just not being used.

Still reading? Alright, let’s keep going.


Back in May of this year, I started therapy again. What brought me back in there was a combination of things, namely the emotionally draining interactions I was having with men and how I was worried that I would break. If you know me, you know that I am an advocate for mental health and I know myself well enough to know when things ain’t right. May was a crazy ass month in itself, but I knew something was going to happen. And lo and behold, I missed a period and I was pregnant for the second time.

Then it was like a domino effect of inconvenient shit happening, a lot of poor decisions on my behalf.

After deciding to terminate this pregnancy as well, I found myself back in my therapist’s office, processing things. The beginning of the summer was difficult on ALL levels, but a source of my unhappiness was definitely my choices in men. While I won’t place all blame on them, always remember that you have the power to choose.

And I kept choosing wrong. I noticed a pattern. While every guy I’ve been with was NOT emotionally draining or toxic, I particularly found myself attached to the guys who were emotionally unavailable. Or the guys who only liked fucking me, but never wanted to BE with me. It was crazy, because how could me, Ms. #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge be so…. adamant in not loving myself? In choosing wrong? For a while, I felt fraudulent as fuck, because:

I was choosing chaos over the peace that I rightfully deserved.

It was as if self-sabotage was my middle name. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I needed a reset. I wanted to reset my mind, my body, and most importantly my spirit. Because whether it was self-inflicted or not, how sane would you be if you kept experiencing recurring trauma?


It was per my therapist’s recommendation that I “be still” and not date. At first I was resistant to it, because I ALWAYS had someone to talk to. Go out on dates with. Have different forms of intimacy with. And yes, have sex with. So when she recommended it, at first I was like

Like girl what do you even mean?! For 11 years, damn near my WHOLE identity was wrapped up into who I was dating, and now I gotta be by myself?????? I stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, and agreed.

It was me who decided to take it a step further and be celibate.

While the words celibate and abstinence are used interchangeably, my definition of celibacy is when you intentionally decide not to engage in sexual acts with other people.

A special note to add is that celibacy is NOT when you simply don’t have someone to have sex with. Celibacy is more deliberate and intentional. Not a lil dry spell.


The interesting thing about all of this is that I’m not even a person who has a “high” sex drive (whatever that means to you), but I can seriously go for months at a time without it. In fact the longest I’ve been without sex was this one time for 9 months in high school.

In fact, a lot of guys I’ve been sexual with always complained that I never wanted to have sex as frequently as they would like. There’s reasons behind that.

What’s interesting to me, is that many religious people would say that me enduring all this shit is probably my “punishment” for engaging in sex so early. I’m not sure about all that, but I will say that I’ve learned from every decision I’ve ever made.

Anyway, another reason I am choosing to intentionally pursue celibacy is because I wanna snatch my power back. As I said earlier, I ain’t NEVER not had someone. I may not be big on sex but I am big on intimacy and companionship. And while I’ll always be big on intimacy and companionship, I am curious to know who I am and learn what I can accomplish when the focus is 100% on me.

Ask yourself, who are you when you remove distractions and pour energy into yourself? Get to know that person. Get to know them well.


Many are curious about how I am able to survive, and with 2 months in, I can say so far so good. This is partly due to me:

  • Not having a high sex drive in the first place
  • Intentionally setting boundaries, cutting off, or simply blocking ALL the guys I was dealing with. When it ain’t no prospects, it makes things a lot easier, lol. And at this point, if you got a crush on me… just keep it to yourself lol.

I’ve even become vocal with guys I meet at social functions who seem interested in getting to know me further: I am single and celibate and I won’t be changing that any time soon. That usually keeps them away lol. But I don’t mind.

The part that has been hard for me thus far, is definitely the lack of companionship and intimacy. I’ve had a lot of lonely days and nights (which I’m sure I’ll have more of) but this piece of mind is wayyyyy better than the bullshit I USED to be on.


I look at celibacy in a positive way. It’s not that I can’t get laid. The problem is, I nor majority of the men I chose to lay with valued me…like ALL of me.

While the decisions that led me to be celibate for at minimum of a year was dramatic, I do believe that things had to happen in the way that they did for me to get it. I also knew I had some areas in my life where I wanted to have more discipline. When I put my mind to it, I can be pretty impulsive and I knew I had to control my impulses in order to clear my mind.

Keep in mind, I don’t think sex is bad, it’s just that for me, sex was a distraction. Sex was a crutch. I was using sex as a tool to get some niggas to like me. Sex gotta go. At least for right now.

I think denying yourself of that instant gratification you get from busting a nut clears up a lot of things for you emotionally and mentally.

Now that I am intentionally taking a year long hiatus, I am amazed at the things I’ve accomplished and the clarity I’ve gained in these short 8 weeks. I’m excited about my growth a year from now.


What’s funny is that ever since I’ve declared my celibacy, things instantly started changing around me. First off, I never knew there were so many rules surrounding celibacy. Just because I am celibate doesn’t mean that:

  • I don’t think about sex, because I definitely still do. In fact, I had a flashback the other day that made me wanna — nevermind!
  • My celibacy exploration is me trying to convince YOU to be celibate too. Have enough sex for the both of us if you can, we ain’t all gotta be dry out here like me lol I just hope that you are being safe, intentional, and laying with someone who cares about you.
  • I’m not gone masturbate when and if I please, because I am. I personally believe that bringing myself to orgasm is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done AND it stops me from making terrible decisions, which is the reason why I’m here in the first place lol.

In true Kia fashion, I like to go on journeys in my own special way.


Understand this: just because I am single and celibate now does not that I don’t want that romantic love, because I definitely do. But this time around it HAS to be healthy. I want a love where I don’t have endure suffering first, and those desires start with me. Searching for those things through sex ain’t it and hopping from person to person ain’t it either it. Remember ya’ll, I don’t think sex is bad I am just in a space where I have to be more discerning and careful with it. Plus, piece of mind and clarity are better, right?

As much time and energy I’ve spent these last 11 years pleasing others, it’s time to pour that into me. And while I don’t expect this journey to be easy, I do know that it will be worth it.

Send me some good luck and good vibes as I try this thang out!

Love,

Kia


Here’s some questions I posed to my Instagram followers a couple days ago. Feel free to answer in the comments below:

  • Have you ever been celibate?
  • If you are currently celibate, what influenced you to do it?
  • What’s the longest you’ve been without sex?
  • If you’ve never been celibate, what’s stopping you?
  • Do you think there is a difference between being celibate and just not having someone to have sex with?
  • What have you learned about yourself in your time of celibacy?
  • What advice would you give someone who is currently practicing or thinking about practicing celibacy?

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22 thoughts on “Exploring Celibacy

  1. I’m soooo glad I clicked on this post in the Facebook group. This entire post is ME! I started having sex around 14/15 and I was with a guy in college. There are times I wish I could go back and erase it, but it already happened and there’s nothing I can do about it. My last relationship was toxic asf and I kept trying to make things better by having sex all the time. I thought that would make him love me more and not cheat. I thought it would make him stop lying. Thankfully I finally broke it off in 2014 and I’ve been single ever since.

    I had never been single. Ever since I was a teenager I alwayssss had someone to talk to. If I got hurt by one person I would have a backup. But this time was so different because I became too wrapped up in the toxicity. I’ve been single for the past 5 years now and it has been an eye opener. When you’re by yourself, you really do learn a lot and it’s a good thing. Although it makes me sad at times watching my friends get engaged and married, I still have that peace of mind that I haven’t had for the last 11-12 years. I am choosing to be celibate myself, I refuse to bring myself down to that dark place again over men who didn’t care about me. I’m also in therapy working on some things and I have hope that things will work out and I will find that healthy relationship with a man who will respect me and treat me how I’m supposed to be treated.

    Sorry for the long comment, but this post really touched me. I was shaking my head “yes” the entire time while reading this. I’m glad you decided to start pouring into your own life and take steps to better yourself. It can be hard to own up to what we struggle with, but thank you for sharing this blog post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this and think it’s a great idea. I’m currently abstaining from sex too and although it’s different I already feel more in tune with myself. I encourage you to keep going and get you some plastic if you’re into that (vibrators). The best relationships you can have are ones with God and yourself. So I wish you the best on your journey.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. R e m a r k a b l e. I’ve never not had anyone but it’s due to my deep yearning to give intimacy and receive intimacy from a man. I grew up witnessing it amongst parents, grandparents, uncles and aunties etc so I too want to experience. I am happy and became happier after having my babygirl 4 years ago. She’s my work but loving her is not enough. Loving my amazing job is not enough or any of my possessions. After reading this I am leaning towards being enough for myself and towards celibacy as well even more so. Thank you my sister for being so vulnerable and transparent. You’re in your way. Don’t you ever forget it. ✊🏾☮️💋

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m not sure if my first comment went through so I apologize if this is a duplicate. Great post! There are so many important pieces and I’m glad you’re practicing self-care and working through the trauma you experienced.

    Have you ever been celibate? Yes
    What’s the longest you’ve been without sex? 6 years
    Do you think there is a difference between being celibate and just not having someone to have sex with? Absolutely! As you mentioned in the post, celibacy requires focus and intentionality. When I wasn’t dating, celibacy was easier than when I was dating. My husband and I were celibate before we got married and it was a struggle at times, but it was worth it in the end!
    What have you learned about yourself in your time of celibacy? I learned I’m worth the wait and I’m capable of finding someone that knows I’m worth the wait. That goes both ways too!
    What advice would you give someone who is currently practicing or thinking about practicing celibacy? Go for it! I recommend finding accountability partners and also setting health boundaries if you start dating while remaining celibate.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Thank you for sharing your story and being transparent! When I tell people I’ve been celibate for 2 years they think I’m crazy. It wasn’t to punish myself and it’s not easy, but I’ve definitely gained some clarity on my direction & what I want. Also, I just couldn’t deal with bad energy that can come from a man with good 🍆. We have more to offer than sex! It’s nice to know there are other 20 something year old women taking their power back through celibacy!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I was choosing chaos over the peace that I rightfully deserved <—- this hit me hard. This is a fab post. you go girl and keep doing you!xo

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Good for you, sis. Really. You should be proud that you recognized a problem, saught guidance and you’re making necessary changes to better your self. That’s mature. And beautiful!

    The longest I’ve been celibate is five years. It started because I needed to just focus on me without the worry of disease, heartbreak or pregnancy. I will tell you it gets easier. The power lies in keeping “it” to yourself, not giving “it” away to random or unappreciative partners. And you will get your power back. It’s liberating.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for your transparency. Advice that I’d give someone going into celibacy is that it’s your body and your choice. Folks who know will give you unsolicited opinions, “But how will you find a man when all they want is sex” or “You won’t last past XYZ.” Let them talk and embrace YOUR journey; YOUR body.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Great read!!!!! You definitely touched on some interesting points. “And choosing chaos over my peace” was definitely me at one point in time. But every since I’ve removed distractions, started getting more in tuned with myself, began healing my mind, body, and spirit things began to become more clearer for Me. And I must say, choosing ME was the BEST decision I’ve ever made!

    Thanks for sharing your story. Keep shining Kia! Keep growing! ✨

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Absolutely awesome read I was celibate for 2-3 years. I respect you taking this journey. However, I just wanted to say that this journey will never be just you by yourself because you will have all of us to back you up! You’re truly are an inspiration and your story will help other women and young girls to decipher relationships, love, and their inner power! Best of luck sis. You got this! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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