“You make me wanna come thru, quarter after 2/just to put it down on you” ~ Summer Walker and Usher, Come Thru
The song was on repeat as I waited on his call, letting me know he was outside…. ready to enter into my home, enter into my bed, and into me.
“I shoulda known better…..” Summer sang through my speakers as I walked down my stairs to open the door for him. As he walked towards my door, my body felt tingly from head to toe…. let’s say it’s a feeling you get right before you know you’re about to make a bad decision.
Considering all that I’ve endured with this person, it was sick that I allowed him into my home again….. but I was a slave to self-sabotage. Whenever I felt like life got a lil too easy and and peaceful, I regressed back into my familiar, yet self-destructive patterns.
What are these patterns you may ask? Simple:
- Fuckin’ with people I ain’t supposed to be fuckin’ with
- Not staying disciplined to certain routines
- Staying committed to detrimental routines
- Purposely placing myself in tempting situations to satisfy my need for thrill
- Not going after certain opportunities out of fear
- Not walking away from certain people/things/situations that no longer serve me
- Procrastinating on important things
The list goes on. This is self-sabotage.
Self-Sabotage is like opening Pandora’s Box…Once you start succumbing to certain habits, it’s hard to break them… and I be feeling like a reformed crackhead every time.
And truth be told, the addiction never really goes away… you just learn how to manage it.
But what happens when you can’t manage it anymore? When you don’t wanna manage it anymore? What happens to you when you keep repeating the cycle? Then what?
I’ll tell you what.
You and self-sabotage gone be staring at each other like:
And then you’ll question yourself, like damn…. why DO I keep doing this dumb ass shit? Ask yourself, am I engaging in this behavior because….
I feel like I don’t deserve better?
I actually fear a peaceful life because I am accustomed to dysfunction?
Do I actually have low self-esteem?
Is this behavior powered by another emotion that I’ve yet to address yet?
At this point of the story, I’m supposed to tell you how you should stop engaging in self-sabotaging behavior and work towards being your best self.
But honestly, I’m in the same boat as ya’ll…. or maybe not. Maybe you’re reading this and judging me. But I will say that over the last 5 months of consistent therapy, the only answer I have in regards to self–sabotage is that awareness is key. Now the step after recognizing?
Well, that’s up for you to decide. We gotta look in the mirror first.
Get out your own way. Stop self-sabotaging.
- In what ways do you often self-sabotage?
- Why do you think you engage in that type of behavior?
- What do you think the next step is once you acknowledge your behavior?