Black Women vs The World

Solange wasn’t lying when she sang: “I got a lot to be mad about” .

Imagine how mad you have to be to constantly deal with racism and sexism in the middle of a global health pandemic that has left many of us jobless, homeless, stressed out, anxiety ridden, depressed, AND WE STILL GOTTA FIGHT A RACE WAR.

So yeah, I got a LOT to be mad about and I’m tired.

A little under a week ago, sexual assault and the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport was the trending topic across Twitter timelines and I watched many women of varying ages and identities share the age(s) of when and where they experienced sexual assault and sexual abuse.

Many were as young as 5-years-old to grown as hell, with the atrocities committed by everyone from their own family members to popular figures who are apart of Greek lettered fraternities, party promotion circles, music artists, “activists” and much more.

Hundreds of women I follow and even men too, bravely shared their stories, something that isn’t easy to do when you have been suffering in silence for so long.

About a day or so later, an anonymous Twitter user took it upon themselves to create a profile called “Expose The Weirdos” where the survivors of sexual assault could send in pics, social media profiles, and details of their assault to out their abusers.

The idea of the page may have been created with pure intentions but here’s where things began to take a turn for the worst.

First, pictures of men that I knew and once acquainted with popped up on the page. Then, the original page was exposed for seeming empathetic to women’s experiences yet tried to charge someone to “expose their abuser”.

Even in serious times like this, our pain is used as a come up. A joke to the masses and the next trending topic.

Eventually, that page got deleted. Unfortunately, I didn’t capture any screenshots of the pages but then a second and third page got created. It was rumored to be at least 10 pages but I am not sure how true that is. A quick Twitter search I did prior to releasing this shows that there are newer pages but they are set on private and by the time you all read this, those might be deleted as well. For my non-Chicago readers, please keep in mind that this happened on Chicago Twitter.

A second and third page were created and I saw even more men I knew and were friendly with posted. I later watched Twitter find the person who allegedly created one of the pages . Apparently, it was a young Black woman who allegedly posted a mix of innocent and guilty men on there due to whatever her personal reasons were. As of today, those pages have been deleted so I don’t have anything visual to contribute.

Upon further research, it seems as (or at least one of the) if the original page has been restored.

Social media is often the light and the darkness when it comes to sensitive topics such as sexual assault and sexual abuse.

I watched many men from the TL display performative empathy — “I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m here if you need anything, ” to women that they know and love and then the switch flipped.

The narrative went from “pRotECt and ReSpeCt BlACk WomEN” to “These bitches and hoes are lying!” because either their friend, frat brother, homie got posted on those pages or it was them themselves.

It’s different now, ain’t it?

Chaos ensued, and I watched numerous men and their legion of followers furiously protect their names.

I watched survivors get bullied.

I watched many stay silent.

While I do not agree that creating anonymous social media pages to out abusers gives anyone any type of justice, I do believe that survivors deserve for their voices to be heard and most importantly, survivors deserve peace.

So if naming said individuals gives them peace, then so be it.

But after the social media spectacle dies down, where is the advocacy? Where is the accountability towards the abuser? Rape culture is still running rampant. Then what?

The problem is complex and not a singular answer will be able to encompass how I feel. But no matter which word you use, the facts are this:

misogyny, patriarchy, sexism teaches the entire world that women’s bodies are property.

Men are taught that they can do whatever it is they want to do to us and when you add in popularity, “clout”, perceived and actual wealth, social status, and more, it automatically gives men the benefit of the doubt. And for some reason, women are automatically considered to be lying — unless you’re white of course and THEN you fare a better of chance of being believed.

But what about the Black women?

Only 2-10% of sexual assault allegations are found to be false.

But I digress.

The bottom line is, as a Black woman I am TIRED. Black women all across the world are forced to battle both racism and sexism at the same exact time. Many people try to force us to “choose” as if our blackness and womanhood are costumes that can be taken off anytime that we want. And don’t let you be queer, trans, disabled, etc. Because then society really tries to force you to choose blackness first, as if our identities don’t all intersect.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of men not being held accountable for their actions.

I’m tired of systemic racism.

I’m tired of explaining why sexism is wrong and why fellow Black men shouldn’t be misogynistic because it’s harmful. I’m not gone stop, but trust me– I AM TIRED.

I’m tired of performative empathy towards fellow sexual assault survivors. Don’t switch up the narrative just cuz it’s yo homie. None of us are really good judges of character and even if we were, none of us have eyes on our friends 24/7.

And to Black men: Make no mistake about it, I love ya’ll. But many of you reading this will probably assume that I’m being divisive. Or that I hate ya’ll. But I do not. In fact, I love ya’ll so much that I actually wanna educate ya’ll AND hold ya’ll accountable. Because yeah, it’s not all of you, but anytime you’ve witnessed yo homie make a girl uncomfortable and didn’t say anything, you’re just as guilty. And even it being just SOME of ya’ll is too much for me!


Just like white people only listen to white people and when their money is being stopped, Black men will only listen to other Black men.

So Black men, educate yourselves. Listen to Black women. Read what Black women have wrote on our battles with racism and sexism. As a black man, you’re not the only one who deals with racism and if you’re a white woman reading this, you’re not the only ones who deal with sexism.

Believe Black women.

Check your own internalized misogyny. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you believe every woman who calls out a man for abuse, is a liar? Have you ever asked yourself why you deem only some women worthy of respect and deem other types of women not worthy? Or maybe you’ve questioned what a woman had on when she revealed that she had been sexually assaulted?

That’s misogyny friend, and ion like det.

Ya’ll understand racism so perfectly, but sexism is where ya’ll look at me and other women like we’ve grown two heads whenever we get vocal about it.

Probably because that would force you to have those difficult conversations AND hold you and the guys you hang around accountable…but I digress.

I was searching for a way to profoundly end this post but to be honest with ya’ll, the words have escaped me. I am hopeful that this racist and sexist attack on Black women will be dismantled one day, but similar to what Dr. King once said, I may not be alive in this lifetime to see it. I can only do my part by writing and amplifying other’s voices, and leaving resources for those who actually WANT to do better.

For more info on what you can do to further educate yourself on ending sexual and gender based violence, click on these links.. for everything else, well…. Google is free.

Men Can Stop Rape –

Healthy Masculinity –


Routine, Interrupted

At first, this was going to be a post where I would complain about how hard working from home is and how much I hate it. But then I thought about it: I’m blessed to be able to work from home, have decent wifi, and still get paid from both my jobs while the country figures Miss Rona out.

Home is my sanctuary and while I detest bringing work home, it will have to do for now.

So far, I have been in shock about how fast everything has changed. When March started, I would have never guessed that my city would be on lockdown and so many people I know and love would be abruptly put out of work. I’ve been having a hard time processing this shift — particularly because I was used to a certain routine, my birthday plans had to be altered, and then boom: the world is now collectively holding our breath, waiting to exhale as soon as the coast is clear.

Nonetheless, I can’t even really complain. I have way more time to myself than I could’ve imagined and after weeks of not doing shit, I finally got back productive and knocked a few goals out.

As we enter into a new month and 30 more days of lockdown, I wish I could tell you that I’m feeling super optimistic. I’m not exactly feeling morbid about it either but as I said, I’m holding my breath. Waiting to exhale when the coast is clear.

Given the circumstances, I don’t think things will ever get back to “normal.” Instead, a new normal will be created. So many routines have been interrupted and by this time, maybe most of us have adjusted to whatever our new normals are.

Prior to getting put on punishment, it wasn’t much that I took for granted but it’s easy to get caught up in the flow of life that we are privileged to forget how abruptly things can change. Literally overnight. I miss my ability to move as freely as I wanted to without thinking if I was potentially putting someone in harms way. I miss hugging my friends and family and visiting them whenever our scheduled permitted. And I miss OUTSIDE! I’m an ambiverted person, plus my mother’s only child so being at home by myself doesn’t bother me too much. In the same breathe, I am also a socialite and dammit do I miss being outside, looking good and living better. I am saddened to see my friends and family members who work “non-essential” jobs be out of work. I miss going to get my damn hair done!

I’m also sad about my “essential job” friends be ran raggedy taking care of everyone else. I’m sad that for those who have been diagnosed with Miss Rona feel completely helpless while they let their bodies fight this off because of course we not rich enough to get it there’s no cure yet.

I’m sad about the former students I used to serve, who have endured so much for being out of school this school year. It’s a lot of things that suck to me right now and I hate that healthcare isn’t accessible to all. I hate the panic. The financial and emotional strain. The deaths. All of this.

In a perfect world, I wish things would go back to normal…. but that normal probably won’t exist anymore after this.

However, there have been some positives to come outta this.

The DJ’s going live on Instagram and Facebook last week really brightened a lot of our spirits.
The song writer and producer battles.
The comedy skits.
The memes and gifs.
The increased and intentional communication between friends and family due to technology.
The virtual happy hours.
The time to journal, meditate, and work out from home.

It’s so much increased positivity and peace, even in the midst of all this chaos.

While I don’t desire for my connections to people and experiences to be purely digital, to live in an age where technology is so advanced AND the privilege of having access to it makes self-isolation a lil bit better.

Praying that this all ends soon. In the meantime, how ya’ll been doing?

What’s your new normal? Is it better than your old routine?

Do you think once outside opens back up, it will be hard for people to adjust?

Talk to me!

Is There Such Thing As A “Positive” Situationship?

The last time I wrote about situationships, I can honestly say that I was projecting my own feelings and not taking my own advice. Lol, what a comedy show!

Almost 3 years later, I can say that my feelings towards situationships has NOT changed, yet I now understand that everyone has different dating experiences, loves differently, and has different wants, needs, and expectations from people they choose to deal with.

Which got me to pondering: Everyone talks about situationships in such a negative matter and are usually traumatized by them (it’s me, I’m the traumatized one) but, has anyone ever had a positive situationship experience?

My Twitter followers gave me some pretty interesting answers:

As ya’ll can see, a lot of the same themes came up in order to make a situationship work: Honesty, transparency, and BOUNDARIES.

And ya know what? Kudos to those people and their positive experiences! Some of them said they are still really great friends with their “ex” (can you even call someone you used to be in a situationship with your ex?) and some just ended things gracefully when they found someone that they could see themselves being committed to.

I think situationships get such a bad rep because normally they are between two people who aren’t on the same page. In my experience, someone always catches feelings and may even want more because sex is a HIGH energy exchange and building bonds is very natural when you spend copious amounts of time with someone that’s consistent.

But somehow, the people who responded to me on Twitter made it work. So kudos to them!

As for me, ya girl tho….. Situationships AIN’T for me. I’m in a space in my life where I am trying to find wait on “my person” and I want something a bit more stable and committed. Like nigga, I wanna be your WOMAN, not somebody you just hella cool with and fuck on from time to time cuz “we don’t want nothing serious.” Those days are long behind me and to be honest, I was never with the shits lol. I settled for it, but that is another story for another day!

Needless to say, I am aware that dating and having sex with someone means different things for different people and I’m not mad at ya’ll!

At the end of the day, I just want us all to be in situations that make sense to us and redefine what dating looks and feels like– cuz the experiences should not, and do not have to be toxic all the time.

With that being said, as long as you not settling, I don’t care what you do lol.

Cheers to love and good sex, reciprocated energy and maturity in 2020!


Talk to me though:

Have you ever had a positive experience being in a situationship?

If so, what did it teach you about yourself? How long did it last?

Would you do it again if given the chance? Why or why not?

What beliefs did you have about romantic relationships in the past that you no longer hold right now?

Did your situationship turn into something more serious, or did ya’ll part ways when the spark left?

Year 8: Make It Great

Happy New Year, my loves!

On the first of this month, I celebrated my 8th year as a blogger. Yeah, 8 whole years.

It is hard to describe what these past 8 years have been like, let alone feel like but I can assure you that I’ve come a long way from the 17-year-old that used to go by Kween K.

I’ve changed. And if you have been a reader of mine for a while, then you know this blog has changed too.

Sometimes we reject change. Sometimes we are resistant to it. But when it comes to this blog of mine, I embrace the changes. My words have helped me navigate and (sometimes grudgingly lol) embrace the changes of life and womanhood in general.

My words have healed both you and me these last few years.

My words have been a power source of motivation, inspiration, tenacity, and authenticity.

My words have helped me grow more comfortable with being myself.

My words have taken me places.

In year 7, I quietly accomplished a lot yet was the most visible and vulnerable I had ever been in years.

My annual self-love workshop was sold out.

I was a guest on 2 really great podcasts.

I published 1,000 blog posts.

I finally started selling merchandise.

I struggled and overcame and started healing for real in year 7.

I’ve always been a person who was aware that she had a voice, unafraid to share her opinion. But year 7 helped me step into my power.

Photos by Tye Moores | @photyegraphy

I’ll be honest with you all: Sometimes, I feel like I am behind. Managing your own brand and constantly growing it year after year isn’t easy. Sometimes I feel like I should be “much further along” and that has been said to me before.

But…. when I tell those negative voices to be quiet, I understand that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This journey is mine, and no one else’s.


The number 8 represents balance, wisdom, and expansion. This is what year 8 for me is all about. 8 years in, how can I expand what I already have, yet gain more?

More importantly, what can you all expect from me this year?

The first thing you all should know is: This is my LAST blog post for a while. At least until my book that I am currently writing, is published. Stay tuned for more updates about that via my email list and on my social media. My book is slated to release in March and it is a part manifesto, part journal prompt about the journey of self-love. I am looking forward to becoming an author this year, it has been a dream of mine for as long as I could remember.

The second thing you can expect from me this year is another annual #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge self-love workshop, coming in March. Every year it gets bigger, better, and more impactful and I am excited to share what I’ve been working on.

The last thing you can expect from me this year? Expansion.

Thank you God for the blessings in advance.

Cheers to year 8! Let’s make it great!

7 Deadly Sins: Instant Gratification

Being told to trust the process is one of the most annoying things I’ve ever heard.

I’m not sure if this is because I grew up in the boom of the social media age but when I want something, I want it instantaneously. I put my work in dammit, now where is my reward????????????????????????????

But, that only works on Instagram.

Instant gratification is defined as the desire to experience pleasure or fulfillment without delay or deferment.

And we all deal with it at some point in our lives, whether we realize it or not. For example: I once knew a guy who started a t-shirt line this summer. He had all these big plans about how he would sell out instantly, because so many people knew him and were already familiar with him because of his photographer/videographer skills. Well, when he released the shirts, imagine his shock, surprise, and denial when he sold not one shirt. I mean he was pissed! He started calling people around him unsupportive and instead of brainstorming ways to market his shirts better or find his niche audience, he quit.

He and I had a talk about it, and I told him “Ya know if you gave up your need for instant gratification, you’d enjoy this process much more.”

He wasn’t trying to hear all that though!

He felt like if he wasn’t selling out from day 1, then he might as well quit while he was ahead. He considered himself not good at his new business venture, and then he started comparing himself to other entrepreneurs who were not only popular on social media, but had also been in the t-shirt business for years.

Raise your hand if the need for instant gratification has ever made you give up on something because you didn’t see instant results.

Anybody else guilty of comparing ourselves to others when we don’t even have even half of the work ethic? Or talent? Or clout?

The reason why we do all this is because of instant gratification.

I remember a couple of years ago, my dramatic ass considered stopping as a writer because I once had a blog post go viral and then everything I wrote after that didn’t go viral which led me to believe that no one was paying attention to me or my content.

Instant gratification had me thinking that after blogging for 5 years at the time, all my content needed to have a big reaction because I had been working hard for yearssssss and dammit I wanted that validation. The applause.

People posting me all over their social media. All that.

But again, that’s not how any of this works.

When something is created to last, there’s never a moment when you’re not working hard.


It’s like I told my friend with his t-shirt line, once we get past our need for instant gratification, we can then enjoy the process even more.

Also, did ya’ll know that instant gratification is a form of self-sabotage? For example: You might procrastinate on completing a task or goal because you don’t see the immediate pay off or you might get distracted by the short-lived attention you receive from something and then don’t have a clear plan on how you want to expand upon it.

But I guess you’re wondering, how do I get over my need for instant gratification? For me, I’ve tried:

  • Unplugging from social media ~ Sometimes you just gotta delete the apps from your phone for a few days and just get to work. When used responsibly, social media can be a fun place to connect with others. When you spend too much time scrolling, you’ll find yourself consciously or subconsciously comparing yourself to other people and you still not getting work done. Unplug, go outside, and sit with your thoughts for once. You’d be surprised on how much clarity and direction you can gain once you sit with yourself.
  • Remember that everything is a stepping stone ~ This is something I struggle with. The process truly fucking sucks at times, yet we are still supposed to find joy in it?? While I could dwell on that, the truth is that struggle is temporary. Trust that whatever roadblocks you had to endure is absolutely necessary, so no sense in resisting it.. even though you’re not wrong for wishing things could be easier.
  • Think about what type of success you want~ A Drake song once said: All that other bullshit is here today and gone tomorrow” so think about what type of success you want! Do you want timeless success or do you want overnight success that’s here today and gone tomorrow? As I said, when you are creating things to last a long time, there’s never a moment you’re not working hard.

With that being said, instant gratification is nothing more than another distraction, sent to see how you are simply gonna act. Are you gone push pass this distraction? Are you gonna fold and succumb to the comparison trap? Or are you gonna get caught up in wanting things now that you don’t even look at the blessings in front of you?

Trying to turn dreams into realities is not easy, but I do know it’s worth it.

And if you wanna build something that’s gonna last, just remember:

All that other bullshit is here today and gone tomorrow.

Let’s chat!

Have you ever had a moment where you’ve wanted instant gratification? What was it about?

How do you overcome or manage it?

What advice would you give someone that struggles with instant gratification?

7 Deadly Sins: Avoiding Accountability

Via Giphy

Accountability only sucks when you aren’t ready to own up to your shit.

I learned this lesson the hard way when a home girl of mine called me out on some shit I was doing and instead of deflecting and trying to bring the attention back on her….. I had to sit with that shit.

And reflect.

And reflect some more.

And then make the necessary changes.

And lemme tell you, my ego was bruised and pissed!

Cuz what the hell you mean I ain’t perfect and I be fuckin’ up and sometimes I lack self-awareness, and my actions don’t only affect me?

But yeah, it’s true.

And I do be fuckin’ up. Like a lot.

And sometimes I am so focused on me and what I want and how I feel about things, that I rarely take the time to pause and think about how my actions impact others.

But one thing I do know is this: when people take the time out to hold you accountable, that means they love you. Because if they didn’t give a fuck about you, they wouldn’t say a word. They would continue to watch you self-destruct and mind their business.

So the next time you find yourself getting defensive because someone is calling you out on your shit, or making sure you finish what you start, or even asks you to pause and reflect on your behavior, remember this:

  • You are NOT perfect.
  • They are NOT wrong for saying something to you.
  • It is better to be corrected by someone who cares for you than to be corrected by someone who doesn’t.

Accountability is what separates the adults from the children, even though there are some incredibly childish adults out here.

It’s easy to blame everything and everybody else for your fuckups but if you truly want to grow, you have to cut that shit out eventually.

Self-accountability is not something you develop overnight. Like most things, it starts with you having a particular mindset. Once you are able to program your mindset from victim to a more mindful person, everything starts falling into place.

As I’ve said throughout this series: You cannot run away from yourself forever. Holding yourself accountable may uncover some harsh truths about yourself, but I’m learning that it makes you better in the long run.

Let’s chat

  1. Would you rather hold yourself accountable or would you rather have someone else close to you do it?
  2. What about accountability is hard for you?
  3. What tips would you give someone trying to develop accountability within themselves?

7 Deadly Sins: Addiction To Creating Chaos

Have ya’ll ever met a mf that no matter what, it’s ALWAYS some shit going on in their lives? Like no matter what, you can always count on them for a wild story, wild situation, just complete CHAOS?

I got a confession though:

It’s me. I’m that person I just talked about above.

My name is Kia Smith, and I am addicted to creating chaos in my life.

It’s like when my life is a bit too peaceful or “boring” I’ll do shit just to keep it spicy…. which is well, sick.

Cuz what sane person would just purposely try to create mess in their lives as a form of entertainment and excitement?

Me and my therapist discuss this often….. I was born in chaos. Lived through chaos. Never really knew what peaceful times were and deep down inside, I may or may not be afraid to figure out what peace looks like for me.

So when things get a little too quiet…. I’ll purposely shake shit up.

But that creates an unhealthy cycle because once the fire burns everything, it is me who has to pick up the pieces. Ain’t no superheroes coming to save me.

One would think that if I know that, I wouldn’t create chaos.

But ya’ll know how the saying goes: A hard head creates a soft ass.

But…. I wanna do better. I wanna be better. My life is already difficult enough at times…. No sense in making it even harder right?

So where do I go from here, is the million dollar question.

A while ago on my Instagram, I posted a graphic about how peace is my new normal. This is a concept I learned in therapy. Essentially, it relates to this: Just because you’ve been accustomed to doing something a certain way or living your life a certain way, does not mean that you can’t change it whenever you want. This is called “creating a new normal”

Another thing I am learning is that I am deserving of a peaceful life. I don’t have to settle for the chaos I’m used to. So many of us choose to engage in chaos because deep down inside, we feel like we don’t deserve good things. But that’s simply not true.

It all starts with our beliefs, we have to change them in order to change the trajectory of our lives.

We do deserve all the goodness life has to offer us, we just have to actively choose it.

Speaking of choices, this brings me to my last point: I have to remember that I ALWAYS have the power to choose. I am in control of where I go, who I allow in my life, discussions I engage in, boundaries I want to maintain and cross, etc. It’s all on me, no one else. Every choice I make is followed by a consequence whether good or bad.

Breaking addictions is hard, doing the work is fucking hard.

All in all though, you gotta know that life doesn’t have to be chaotic all the time, it can be chill too and still worth living.

Since I wrote all this down though, I am committed to kicking this crazy addiction to chaos once and for all. Wish me well on my journey, I’m gonna need it.

Let’s chat!

  1. Are you guilty of creating chaos in your life? If so, why do you think you do it?
  2. If you removed all the self-inflicted chaos in your life, what would you replace it with?
  3. Do you think someone can actually kick an addiction to chaos? What are some tips you may have to manage it?

7 Deadly Sins: Fear of Being Alone

It was once believed that to have someone was better than having no one. Because, who wants to live and die alone?

This is a society that prizes partnership and being with someone, and truth be told, we do need people. I personally don’t think that life is meant to be spent alone.


When the desire to not to live or die alone is powered by fear, that’s when it becomes a problem.

That’s when you start accepting just any-old-body into your life, because for some reason you believe that having someone in your life is better than having no one– and not just for romance but all types of relationships– friends and family members too.

Fear of being alone creates a lack of boundary setting.

Fear of being alone creates the inability to do things by yourself.

Fear of being alone can cause you to settle.

Fear of being alone can prevent you from developing self-awareness.

To keep it real with you, nobody really LIKES to be by themselves but its necessary at times.

If you fear being alone, how you gone find out what you do and don’t want?

If you fear being alone, how can you develop discernment?

If you fear being alone, how can you decide what type of people you want in and out your life?

You cannot be dependent on other people to help you figure out who you are. You can only learn that by being alone.

We all have fears, but being by yourself shouldn’t be one of them.

Let’s chat!

  1. Are you afraid of being by yourself?
  2. If yes, what scares you the most about it?
  3. If no, what makes you comfortable in your loneliness?
  4. Do you think there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely?

7 Deadly Sins: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

We all have vices, especially when we want to escape ourselves.

What’s yours?

One thing for sure and two things for sure, you can’t run away from yourself forever. When the realities of our life get too tough, we turn to different methods to cope — most likely drugs, alcohol, or even sex. How we abuse those things is called escapism, which refers to purposely finding things to distract you from the unpleasant realities of whatever you’re facing.

Keep in mind: I don’t think alcohol is bad.

I don’t think sex is bad.

I don’t think drugs are bad. (Well, I don’t think weed is bad. All that other stuff ya’ll do, I’m not sure about that pal lol)

But, the way we indulge in these things matter. It is not inherently bad or good, but more of a fact of what is the WHY behind all of this? Why do we choose unhealthy coping mechanisms? Isn’t there better options out here to help us deal with our shit?

The short answer is yes, but because I don’t speak for everyone on this earth, it varies on who you ask.

The reason(s) behind why we choose unhealthy coping mechanisms varies, too.

Some of us may be trying to heal from a traumatic event that’s happened in our past.

Some of us may be really thrilled by engaging in risky behavior.

But all of us are seeking to fill a void.

You know that the mechanisms you use to cope are becoming unhealthy when they no longer help you feel that void.

When even the drugs enhance how shitty you feel.

When the bitter taste of alcohol won’t even make you forget what happen.

When you internally scream whenever you sexually enter someone or when they enter you.

The adrenaline rush of chasing whatever made us temporarily feel better is what makes us keep coming back to the unhealthy coping mechanisms. The cycle continues over and over and it’s not just through drugs, alcohol, or sex. Unhealthy coping mechanisms can also be seeking social media attention, dealing with toxic people, and even overeating.

I say all this to say: I’m not here to judge you, because we all have vices.

Eventually, drugs and alcohol and sex and whatever we use to cope won’t be enough to distract you from the pain you’re feeling. At some point you have to stop escaping and actually focus on actually healing.

I know it’s not easy. But you must gain the strength to try anyway.

With love, I wish you well on your journey.

7 Deadly Sins: Self-Doubt

Via Giphy

“Why can’t you see yourself that way that God sees you?” was a question once asked of me that still haunts me to this day.

To the outside world and online, I am seen as confident and well put together, courageously smashing her goals and always ambitious AF. Behind closed doors and in the depths of my mind, I struggle with a lot of crippling self-doubt.

I mean we all do, don’t we?

The answer is yes, but at what point does self-doubt become a problem?

Even better question: Why do we doubt ourselves in the first place?

Furthermore, what is self-doubt?

According to Collins Dictionary, self-doubt is the lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities.

Well damn. What a way to make me feel shitty.

I’m not sure where self-doubt comes from nor how we develop that lack of confidence. Some may point to childhood, and say that if you had parents or other close acquaintances around you that criticized you quite often, then its likely that you would struggle with self-esteem.

But me personally, I wasn’t overly criticized by either of my parents. I was always praised for my performance academically or otherwise. But I know many of you reading this may have not been so lucky.

I really only received criticism from classmates and grew to hate the attention I received for being “so smart” because while I was not boastful about it, people still had something to say to me. So it was like a catch 22– at home I received support and reassurance but at school I was being teased, isolated, etc. On top of being an only child, it was hard for me to consistently believe in myself.

Like, I know I’m highly intelligent and gifted in a lot of areas, but when it comes to putting myself out there and letting people know, I get anxious about it.

What if they think I’m cocky?

What if they think I’m annoying?

What if they think my work is not all that cool?

Are these people laughing at me?

What if I’m not that great?

Am I really acting like a know-it-all?

What if I can’t pull this off?

And the questions continue.

Self-Doubt shows up in a number of ways, such as:

  • Procrastination
  • Never finishing what you start
  • Not being able to praise yourself for even the smallest things
  • Not pursuing opportunities
  • Talking yourself out of trying new things
  • Fear of rejection, so you don’t try anyway
  • Not trusting yourself
  • Feelings of imposter syndrome
  • Low confidence, so you look to others for constant reassurance
  • Automatically thinking you can’t do something
  • Actually being afraid that you are good at something because you don’t want the responsibility of maintaining it.

Imma stop right here. Because you know how we play ourselves.

I don’t think there’s a way to completely eradicate self-doubt because I don’t believe that there is a person on this earth who 100% believes in themselves and all their abilities…. unless you’re K*nye W*st of course.

Anyway…. I do think there are ways to control frequent feelings of self-doubt. Here’s a few methods that I try:

Balanced Reassurance

Alright so boom, there’s nothing wrong with seeking reassurance from others. There is something wrong when you seek it from people who don’t give a damn about you or if you do it too often. Who you have around you is important. The only cool thing about being an adult is that you have the power to choose who can be in your life. If you came from an overly critical family that did not speak life into you, choose friends who empower and uplift you. My group(s) of friends are honest with me and extremely supportive and encouraging. My wins are their wins and vice versa. We aren’t meant to do life alone and life is already tough enough, find a tribe of people who believe in you even when you struggle to believe in yourself.


As a writer and even as just a regular person, how you talk to and affirm yourself is important. To help control my self-doubt, I write down positive things about myself starting with “I am” even if it has not happened yet or I don’t always feel that way. Once I write them down, I keep them in places where I can see them such as the door of my bathroom, on my phone as reminders and the names of alarms and in my journals. By seeing these positive words every single day, my mindset begins to shift and I start to believe it. Once I start to believe, it becomes easier for me to kick self-doubt to the curb.

For example, self-doubt will be like: “Girl you are not even qualified for that opportunity, I don’t even know why you try.”

My affirmations counters that by saying: “I am confident in all my abilities. Why wouldn’t I try?

Start writing positives things about yourself, and see what difference it makes.

Let Fear Be a Motivator

Okay so, a large part of why we doubt ourselves is because of fear. This can be fear of rejection or fear of responsibility that comes with being good. Either way it goes, we have to learn how to let fear motivate us instead of hinder us.

Secret about me: 70% of the things I do or want to do, I be scared shitless. But what’s even more scary is staying stagnant and not being happy. So even though I’m scared, my impulsive side kicks in and I just do it anyway. Ya’ll know how the saying goes, it’s better to try some shit and fail than not try at all.

With that being said, I wanna stress a few things to you:

Overcoming self-doubt is indeed a journey but it is not impossible.

Sometimes you just gotta say “fuck it!” and do it anyway

There’s never a room you don’t belong in. Imposter syndrome can kick rocks too.

If you’re worried about not measuring up to others, please remember that you’re in competition with no one but yourself. Strive daily to be better than you were the day before.

Don’t listen to people who never accomplished shit. It’s a reason they’re projecting their insecurities on to you, and it has zero to do with you.

Let’s chat!

  1. What do you doubt yourself about?
  2. What does your own personal self-doubt stem from?
  3. What steps can you take to overcome self-doubt?