Why Is It So Hard To Forgive?

Why Is it So Hard To Forgive-

Betrayal from the people you love who are supposed to love you leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The initial shock from finding out about their betrayal is strong enough to make your head spin. And the rage you feel, well that’s enough to make you feel like you either need to be in somebody’s mental institution or jail cell before you really hurt somebody.

Which brings me to my next point:

I have a confession to make: I really suck at being forgiving. It’s like I try to move forward about certain things, but at this moment I just CAN’T.

It frustrates me. I would like to think of myself as a person who is very carefree, full of positivity and mature enough to regulate all my emotions, especially the ones when I’ve been betrayed.

So I began to ask myself, why is it so hard for me to forgive? Am I out here living fraudulently? Do my struggles with forgiveness disrupt my overall positive persona?

Well, the short answer is no.

However, I noticed a friend of mine on Twitter tweet about the 4 stages of forgiveness on Sunday (Hey, @DarrienDyrell) and I finally got some insight.

 

The Hurt

So say you’ve had a homegirl or homeboy that you’ve been rocking with for a while when all of sudden, that person near and dear to your heart just does some completely-left-field snake ass shit.

How you gone feel when you find out?

I bet you can’t even fathom the hurt. One minute you and this person are just close as ya’ll usually are, the next minute you find out that this person isn’t who they portrayed themselves to be. Now you gotta break up with your friend and I don’t care what nobody says, breaking up with a friend is far worse than breaking up with a significant other!

Hurt is inevitable in this thing called life but it doesn’t make it any less mentally draining.

The Hate

So once you get over the shock of being hurt, next thing you know is that you have feelings of hatred towards them. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s real. You hate what they did to you. You hate yourself for being so trusting, so open, so vulnerable. You hate them again for making you feel a type of way. You damn near wanna beat they ass. But you don’t. Instead you let that hate simmer and bubble up inside you with no one to really vent to because all you’ll hear is that “life is too short to hate anyone” and then you feel like a weak ass bitch that’s not really committed to growing because if you were, then why have you allowed yourself to hate them?

But then again, maybe that’s just me. *shrug*

 

The Hook

So after you let that hate bubble up inside of you, you have this thought like “okay…. maybe I should just get over this. This is unhealthy.” Like my friend @DarrienDyrell said, the hook is holding on to the hurt. Attaching or hooking the action to the person can hinder our well being, our growth. Once we unhook them, we will not interact with them out of the hurt and hate they caused.

Eventually, we gotta get over rolling our eyes and sucking our teeth at a bitch we don’t like anymore.  Eventually, we gotta heal.

But how? How do we really feel about the person who betrayed us outside of the hurt? Why do we choose to hold on to things?

The Healing

This is the part I’m stuck on but I do know this: As cliche as it sounds, forgiveness is not something you do for other people. (Half the time, the person who betrayed you doesn’t even think they did something wrong.) Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Nobody wants to let someone have so much power over them that every time you see them your whole vibe changes. I read somewhere recently that when someone you love betrays you, it’s actually a good thing because they showed you who they truly are and you needed that. In my opinion, the only thing worse than getting betrayed is being around someone who portrays to have your best interest at heart and they truly don’t. Betrayal exposes the snakes in the grass so you can go through the stages of forgiving them and focus on the healing, which is really the hard part.

 

1 more thing about forgiving

So you are taking the steps to heal. It’s hard ass work I know… And it sucks on top of that.

Remember that when you heal from a situation, it doesn’t mean that you have to allow the people who hurt you back in your life.

Remember that you are a complex person… struggling with forgiveness doesn’t cancel out all your other attributes. Allow yourself to be human and give yourself the room to work on yourself. (that was for me)

Be thankful that people showed you who they truly are. Everyone in your life has a season, sometimes a person’s season goes quicker than others.

It’s quite normal to feel a small sense of pain seeing someone who hurt you after a while. You’re human. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying to heal, it just means you aren’t a robot.

Lastly, its quite normal to feel nothing when you see someone who hurt you. Maybe that’s a sign that you are truly healed from the situation. Either way it goes, own all of your emotions behind it and understand that sometimes, there will be no answer behind why it’s so hard to forgive.

 

XOXOXO,

Kia ♥

 

Question time: What’s the hardest part about forgiving? Is there currently a situation where you are holding on to some hurt or anger towards someone? Are you interested in healing? What does forgiveness mean to you? What does it feel like?

I Don’t Wanna Be Your Weekend

 

FISH FRY
Just a reminder that I’m worth it every calendar day of the year.

 

He texted me recently. Asking me how I was doing and if we could link soon. As tempting as it was, I declined. I already knew what our linking up would entail.

Another one I saw during my alma mater’s homecoming celebration. Briefly passing each other in a dark bar, instead of saying hello he decided to remind me that he would still have sex with me, even though last time I checked he was in a fully committed relationship with his girlfriend in another state.

 

Then there was this other guy. I now laugh about how hard and quick I fell for him. I guess you could say it was because I was going through an extremely vulnerable time in my life and simply needed somebody.

He made me feel so good about myself, then he ghosted me.

I spent an unreasonable amount of time wondering what it is that I did wrong, yearning to talk to him again and desperately wanting things to go back to how they once were.

All the pep talks and positive affirmations in the world couldn’t replace that empty feeling. Eventually, I moved on but the lingering memories of being ghosted like that still stings from time to time, though I’ve attempted to make peace with it.

SZA’s song The Weekend comes on and we sing our hearts out about being a man’s weekend. The break from the boring and stressful 9 to 5, the fun girl. I love SZA. I love the song. This point ain’t even about her truth be told, it’s more so about me and the things I’ve put up with when I struggled to like or love myself.

If I could tell any of those dudes anything, it would be that I don’t wanna be your weekend.

I would tell them that I deserve more than half-ass attempts to get to know me and only checking on me when they see me post pics on social media.

I would tell them I deserve more than mediocre-at-best sexual escapades and only wanting to spend time with because they’re bored.

Men have this terrible habit of making me their something to do when there is nothing to do or in other words, fucking with me when his girlfriend or main chick who thinks she’s his girlfriend (but he won’t commit to her either) are not on good terms.

I often wonder about the type of men I attract. Is it me? Am I not carrying myself well enough?

The dates. The phone calls. The quality time spent usually comes full force and then when they either A) Get tired of me or B) They mend things with the person they really want they go ghost on me until the next go-round.

I’m not happy to admit that I once played that role. But you live and you learn.

I often wonder how did dating get so emotionally taxing? Especially when it used to be fun as hell. Gone are the days of honesty and transparency, now there’s only room for games and more games.

While I desire companionship, I can’t fold for accepting less than I deserve any longer.

So look, if you’re reading this (cuz you probably are) understand this:

I DON’T WANNA BE YOUR WEEKEND.

I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR 9 TO 5.

I don’t want to be anything to anybody that can’t stick to their commitments, can’t see me as more than an object, can’t see me as fully human and can’t take my thoughts and feelings into account.

It seriously won’t kill you n*ggas to be nice and considerate for once.

I deserved to be treated how I wanted to and loved how I want to be loved. If that’s not your intention, let me know from the door so you can stop wasting my time and go find somebody else to play with.

Moral of the story: Fuck a weekend. Fuck a 9 to 5. I’m worth it every calendar day of the year.

Black Child Pray(er)

Have you prayed for a Black child lately?

For the past month, I have had the joy and challenge of working with middle schoolers in what is commonly described as one of the worst neighborhoods on Chicago’s west side. 

I’ll be honest with you: I work long hours, I don’t make a lot of money, and learning how to navigate a middle schooler’s thoughts and feelings as well as help get them on track academically is not easy and can get exhausting at times. However, it is not impossible and totally worth it. 

Sometimes I question myself and if I’m cut out for this job and there has only been one time so far that I’ve wanted to cry out of frustration and truly not knowing how to help a kid. But small victories and direct confirmation from God lets me know that right now, I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to do. 

Enough about me tho. Let’s talk about the kids. 

We live in a world that criminalizes and polices our black and brown children from the moment they are born, complete with an education system that does not cater to them socially, emotionally, or culturally. The hard truth: these children are penalized simply for existing. 

I worry about my students. While some of them have really tough exteriors and holler all day long about how “grown” they are 😂, I remember that underneath the tough act that these babies….are still babies. 

I hear and see daily stories of trauma, abuse, and obvious and not-so-obvious signs of neglect. 

So I worry about them. And when I worry, now I pray. 

I pray for my girls. It is no secret that society hates little black girls. I pray that they have at least ONE person in their lives that cares about them, loves them, and cherishes them. I pray that they have people in their lives who respect them: as young girls, human beings, people who simply matter. Society likes to make us think that little Black girls don’t matter but I KNOW that we do. 

I pray that these little girls never get preyed on or targeted simply because they are vulnerable. Middle school is weird man. You gotta deal with the pressure from all around, made to conform, deal with puberty, and still figure out yourself. I pray against the mistreatment and abuse they may experience. God forbid, but I don’t want their bodies turned into a rapists or pedophile’s playground. 

I pray that their voices are never silenced, and they remain as outspoken, strong willed and unique as they were when they were first created. Many people think a middle school girl’s attitude is the worst and while sometimes it can be, have we ever stopped to think that maybe they have a reason to be angry? Have we ever stopped to think that maybe they simply have something to say? 

I pray that they never experience the things that their mothers, sisters, cousins, grandmothers or aunts went through. I pray that they have the room to explore and discover their sexuality in the healthiest way possible, make sound decisions and figure out who they are as a person.

While I pray for my black girls, I pray for my black boys too. 

I’ve seen little black boys deal with everything from police brutality, gang violence and toxic masculinity. 

It’s not easy being a young black male in the education system, where they are disproportionately misdiagnosed with learning disabilities, mental health issues and wrote off as simply being “bad”, unteachable students. 
I pray they have someone who believes in them. Someone who constantly reminds them that being smart and learning can be cool. I pray that they have someone who loves them enough to hold them accountable for their actions, to tell them that it’s okay to cry, to hurt and to feel anger. 

I pray that they learn that they are more than what they can do with their private parts, that they get healthier views of women and learn how to respect all people, regardless of gender, sexuality, etc. 

I pray that they aren’t being forced to have sex too early, that it’s cool to care, that it’s cool to show emotion. I pray that they aren’t forced to grow up too fast. The most beautiful thing in the world to me is watching a young black boy in his element; laughing, playing and smiling with friends. 

I pray that they learn how to value black girls, even the ones who aren’t their family. I pray that they never have to experience what their fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles and cousins went through. I pray that the world and society’s stereotypes of them doesn’t turn them cold. 

Lastly, I pray that they have at least one person around them that can speak life into  them, empower them, and let them know that they deserve all the good things. 

Kids are amazing. Some days are more challenging than others but I couldn’t give up on them even if I tried. 

Kids don’t need to be saved or fixed and to say that implies that they are broken or in danger. These kids have the strength of a thousand men and have survived some of the hardest things between 11-14 years old.

But do they need love? Yes.

Empowerment? Of course. 

And people who believe in them? Duh.

Give love. Spread love and listen to the kids, bro. 

In Jesus name I pray, 

Amen 🙏🏾 

*All views are my own and do not reflect my employer*

The Journey To Focus On Self

Ice Cream Party

Log on to any social media site and all you will hear and see is how after any breakup, you just gotta shift gears, get yo money up, and ultimately… focus on yourself.

But how come we never talk about how hard the latter part is, focusing on yourself?

Yeah, it sounds good and oh so easy, but lemme tell you… it’s not. It’s hard as fuck.

I’m not that self-absorbed. While focusing on myself is indeed important, I won’t deny that loneliness sets in and when it all comes down to it, I simply desire to give and receive love. I desire partnership, I desire to be able to reciprocate what’s been poured into me and vice versa.

Maybe I feel this way because a majority of the people in my closest friend group are in these beautiful, perfectly imperfect relationships with people who love on them so well. I can honestly say that I am so happy for them but that small feeling that I keep hidden 98% of the time makes me wonder when will my time come? I want to be loved on and love on somebody correctly. I want someone I can share my good news with.

Of course, I have my supportive friends and family to give and reciprocate love to, share good news with and that good stuff, but I can’t deny that I want to be romantically involved with someone who is just as excited, invested and happy about all the good things I have going on in my life.

But alas, here I am focusing on myself.

Or at least I’m trying really, really hard.

I get distracted easily and disappointed even more.

And that’s just how it is when you’re young, trying to date and trying to get a strong grasp on your identity I suppose.

You meet somebody, y’all get a good bond going and then boom. Something happens where y’all gotta grow apart from each other. And you may be left with an empty feeling until you move on to the next person just to repeat the same cycle.

Focusing on yourself is such a hard journey, an intense process. I wish more people would talk about how hard it is. I wish people would talk about how frustrating it is to constantly go through the same cycles, their fuck ups, their fumbles, and the never-ending loneliness you feel.

Naw, relationships don’t validate you but you might be lying to yourself if you don’t think that healthy, positive partnerships make life a little more worthwhile.

Focusing on yourself requires a lot of work. And figuring out what that looks like for me, what it looks like for you is irritating, to say the least. It’s the arduous labor that isn’t always as simple as getting yo coins up or doing nice things for yourself.

What I had to realize tho, it’s not a crime to want to feel wanted (in the RIGHT way, not the superficial way).

It’s not a crime to want someone to make you smile, someone to share good news with, or anything else partners are great for.

Usually, when we desire those things, we tend to creep back to the past but it’s like if you call that person’s phone, or hang out with them, then you’re back at square one and faced with the reason why you gotta focus on yourself in the first place. *eye roll

Lmao. This shit is frustrating, but most journeys are.

 

But you know what, it’s okay to be human. Wanting certain things yet choosing to focus on yourself are not mutually exclusive. You ain’t gotta choose one or the other. You can only navigate this journey the best way you know how.

And just understand that you aren’t the only person that’s having a hard time focusing on their self.

Setbacks, Comebacks, & New Beginnings 


The summer is not quite over, but I can’t help but to reflect on the crazy things that have happened to me & how I am STILL learning how to be patient.

Setbacks

Well, y’all know how the story goes.. one minute everything is going all good, the next minute everything falls apart. I went from being an ecstatic recent college grad to a couch hopping, struggling to make ends meet, dealing with normal-yet-unnecessary-bullshit type of gal. My summers always tend to humble me, but this one was surely different by far. Shifts always happen in my life (as they do in all of ours) but I think my dramatic reaction to everything just made things ten times worse than what they needed to be. Lol. Let’s also factor in that since I graduated I no longer have access to counseling, so ya girl REALLY felt like she was losing her mind. At first, I simply wanted to cry and crawl into a hole, then I had to give myself a pep talk and force myself to remember all that me & my former counselor discussed in our sessions & how to apply those solutions we came up with to real life. It’s hard staying positive 25/8 and I know now that it’s okay not to be okay. However, there is ALWAYS something I can do about it, I just have to be willing to put the work in. 

Comebacks

So I went through a thing. 
And while I’m not at 100% YET, I can say that I’m better (kinda) than I was earlier this summer and my optimistic side says that’s what matters most. 
In my world, moving forward is extremely important and it was never about the number of L’s I take, but how hard I bounce back from said L’s. 
Understand this: mistakes and setbacks and delays are soooo common in life. There is no way to get out of it, like you cannot finesse or scam the struggle. You may think you can, buttttt it will come and find you and force you to learn a lesson over and over again until you get it 🙃. 
Me personally, I’m going to learn the lesson of patience over and over again until I actually be still 🙃🙃🙃🙃 how irritating for a control freak like me! 
But in order to truly be my best self, it is necessary for me to go through those setbacks so I can come back harder than before. 

New beginnings

June and July kicked my ass. So when August came around, I have been ecstatic. 8 is the number of new beginnings and I have been practicing remaining open minded to all the new things I will be experiencing this month. Of course, embracing new beginnings does not exempt you from anxiety. Lately I’ve been questioning things like “Am I really good at this adulting thing?” “Will I ever find a stable place to live?” “Am I going to be able to do well at my new job?” 

The answers won’t come right away but the lesson in all of this comes back down to patience. I was venting to my mom recently and I asked “how many times do I have to learn the lesson of being patient?!” She glanced at me and said, “Until you learn to actually be still.”

A light bulb went off. And I have been able to breathe a little easier. As I said earlier in this post, I’m not exactly at 100% but I’m also not as bad off as I thought I was nor am I feeling like I was in the beginning of the summer. 

I’m not sure what you’ve been dealing with this summer, but maybe we share a common theme: learning how to be patient, not letting setbacks defeat us, not letting comebacks scare us and embracing all the new beginnings life has to offer. 

As cliché as it sounds, it gets better. Just be still. 

Where I Wanna Be

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What good comes from staying in your comfort zone? is a question that I ask myself daily and a question that life forces me to answer over and over again since I graduated college over a month ago.

In Post Grad Blues, I was crying about feeling out of place and how down and out I felt about not having a job immediately after graduation. Nevertheless, I moved back to Chicago and after weeks and weeks of filling out at least 5 job applications a day and a few interviews later, ya girl has got a job for the summer with another one that starts in August!

However, as a true millennial lol, I’m still not content because I know this job isn’t where I wanna be.

Some people get jobs or internships in their field immediately after graduation. Some of us will be on a 6-to-12 month job search before they find anything. The rest of us will work a number of jobs just to make ends meet, all while trying to pursue whatever it is that makes us happy.

Desperation doesn’t mix well with decision-making but “tell that to the bills” is a general consensus I’ve gathered for those of us who are just trying to make adulting work out here.

So with the feelings of not being where we WANT to be, how do we navigate them? How do we keep going?

Get over yourself

Okay so you don’t have your dream job and life isn’t as smooth as you thought it would because you work so hard and we feel like we should reap all the benefits that come with being youthful and educated. UNFORTUNATELY, that’s not how this works, that’s how any of this works. You’re gonna have to get out here and hustle. Your first job or first few jobs after college may have zero to do with what you got your degree in. Get over yourself and make it work.

Be Grateful

You may not be where you want to be, but at least you aren’t where you used to be. I went from being unemployed for almost 6 months to getting a job 1 month after I graduated. Is it in my field? No. But is it making ends meet for now? Yes. I have gotten my sense of independence back and I’m just glad to be able to have some coins in my pocket.

Remain open to learning

Just because you’re working somewhere that isn’t necessarily ideal doesn’t mean that you can’t use the experience as a life lesson. I work with a bunch of different people each day, and I am always observing and picking up key things from them that I would like to use later on in my professional life.

Keep Grinding

If all else fails, keep grinding! You don’t like the job you have? Take every day and apply for some new ones. Be intentional with your grind. Talk to people, continue to network. Even when it comes to doing what we love, jobs literally come and go. Grind enough where you develop a new skill or talent no matter where you go. Every opportunity won’t be paid and that’s okay. Don’t be afraid to volunteer your services and get your name and skillset out there.

Take your Time

Just because you don’t want to be where you currently are, doesn’t mean that you know exactly where you want to be either. Take your time and figure yourself out. Give yourself room for trial and error. Your needs, wants and desires can change on the daily. It’s all completely normal as we evolve and grow. Just don’t give up on yourself no matter what you do.


Have you ever struggled with not being somewhere you wanted to be? How did you cope with it? What advice would you give someone currently experiencing this emotion?

 

 

#WriteYourselfALoveLetter: 1 Year Later

#WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge (1)

1 year ago, I was a taking a summer class based on social media. While in the class, my classmates and I had to create a social media campaign using any social media platform we chose. Around this time last year, challenges on Facebook were a big thing. You had everything from the #NoMakeUpChallenge, the #RealHairChallenge and everything in between. Since I already had a blog, I decided to create the #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge which was centered toward anyone who wanted to publicly celebrate themselves for once.

Since I already had a blog and enjoyed writing about self-love, I decided to create the #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge which was centered toward anyone who wanted to publicly celebrate themselves for once.

The challenge did really well on Facebook, and I had people left and right tagging me in their love letters. It was eye opening seeing people be so vulnerable with themselves and the public. It was also heartbreaking to see how so many struggled to affirm themselves because they have been burdened with low self-esteem and negativity for so long.

The challenge was so impactful that this past Valentine’s Day I was invited to lead and host a workshop for the Women’s Center in Carbondale, IL where I was asked to speak on self-love, positively affirming yourself and of course, write love letters with them.

So here we are one year later and I decided to do an update letter. If you want to read my original letter, you can read it here. 

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Post Grad Blues 

“Is it normal for me to feel this way?” Is a question I found myself asking myself literally a few days after I crossed the stage on May 13th. 

While I am hella proud of my accomplishments, reality quickly sunk in for me: I’m broke, I don’t have a job and on top of that I am behind on bills. When my lease is up in August, I have no idea where I am going to go or what type of employment I am going to have. My bursar bill is high, I currently don’t have the desire to go to grad school and I’ve been dealing with the frustration of being under qualified for jobs in my field, yet over qualified for normal jobs such as Walmart. 

Last week, the overthinking took a toll on me and I cried. I felt (feel) so stuck and stagnant so I brought my ass to Chicago, where I am currently bouncing from house to house (shout out to my bomb ass friends) and trying to lock in some employment.. or I’ll be going back to Carbondale. 

I honestly feel weird. I fought long and hard to become a college grad and really stuck it out when I had every reason to quit. And while I wasn’t expecting for gates of opportunity to just open up as soon as I walked across the stage, I will say that the shock of real life adulting is mind boggling to me. 

If you know me, you know that stability is very important to me and that also I am a control freak. I like being in control of my money, my comings and goings, and knowing EXACTLY what my next move is going to be. 

And I know, that’s unrealistic and as my therapist told me during one of our sessions, the key to peace is acceptance. Therefore, I should be able to accept that I won’t be in control all the time because trying to only puts added stress on me. 

A talk with one of my best friends put something in perspective for me: he told me that just because I may lack a job, does not mean I lack anything else. Therefore, I should stop thinking that I’m hopeless and worthless because I am not. 

That talk really helped and put a lot into perspective for me. I guess I’m so used to constantly being on the go and doing something that this new found free time was bothering me. 

But you know what? It’s okay to breathe. It’s okay to relax. It’s okay to ask for help when needed. It’s even okay to feel all the emotions I feel at the moment (they change by the day) but it’s not okay to be so hard on myself. And that’s something I have to get better at. I’m only human, I don’t need to have all the answers. 

Although I am dealing with the post grad blues, I will say this:

• If it’s not your time yet, don’t force it. That makes things harder than it needs to be. 

• Adulting is hard. You literally wake up everyday and try to figure it out. 

• You’re not alone! Everybody goes through similar if not the same shit, even if it looks like they don’t, trust me they do. 

• You can’t rush the process, you can only trust the process. 

• What’s meant for you will NEVER pass you by. 

• Just because you lack something that you may want/need at the moment (i.e. a job, riches, money, fame) doesn’t mean you are worthless. 

In conclusion… I really don’t know what’s next. But I do know I’ll be able to adapt. I do know that I’ll be okay. And I do know that I will be great. And while I have the blues right now, I do know I won’t be singing the same tune forever. 

Stay encouraged my loves,

– Kia ❤️

Dear Future Graduate

Dear future

Graduation season is supposed to be a joyous time.

A time where college and even high school students across the country can rejoice and reflect on their journey and prepare for the utopia that is supposed to be the “real world” where we are expected to land high paying jobs in our fields and live stress-free and joyously until we take our last breath.

Instead, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. While you may be excited to close a chapter, you may also be experiencing feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and even fear.

Not to mention the constant, annoying ass question of “What’s next? or What’s your plan after graduation?” constantly coming up 25/8 from friends, family members and even strangers you meet.

It can be frustrating. If you’re anything like me,  you have a hard time being able to enjoy your transition because what’s next is constantly on your mind and you may feel like unless you have a plan that is concrete and goes from A-Z, you’re a failure.

But in lieu of practicing no negative self-talk, here is a love letter for you, for me, and anyone else who may need this.

Dear future graduate,

Before you let your anxiety and fear take over you, congratulate yourself on even making it this far. I’m not sure what type of odds you had to overcome, but I’m sure you fought like hell and now your hard work is finally about to pay off. You DESERVE to be proud of yourself.

Another thing I want you to know is that it’s perfectly normal to be scared. How can we afford not to be afraid when we’ve been living our life in a routine for the last few years? There are so many what-ifs to think about, but don’t think that you are weird for dreading change. Change does not come easy but it is inevitable. Allow yourself the room to feel what you feel but do not dwell there forever. After all, like Will Smith recently said in an interview “everything we want is on the other side of fear.”

I also know how hard it’s been for you to maintain your composure after constantly getting asked the same questions about your future. Some people are bold enough not to believe in you and while others may mean well trying to help you “plan your future” it still does not take away the anxiety you may be feeling. I saw this meme on Twitter and I’ll say it to you: Before others had an opinion, you had a purpose. Therefore, you don’t have to announce your moves to anybody until you feel good and ready to. Your future is exactly that, YOURS so anybody else’s opinion of it is irrelevant.

Speaking of moves, it’s okay not to know your next one. We are all so obsessed with knowing the future that we forget to enjoy the right now. I myself am so guilty of this. But it’s okay not to know. Just because your graduation may be days or weeks away and you have nothing concrete lined up doesn’t mean that you never will. It doesn’t mean that you are a failure. At this point in life, you get to make up your own rules. So LIVE. Try to take things one day at a time, because what is meant for you will have its way of finding you.

Maybe you’ll come back a year from now and read this and still not feel any better. Who knows how the real world will hit us when we finally cross that stage? But have no fear, I am sure that you have the ability to adapt. After all, you did survive college. You will be successful. Set some goals, achieve them as best as you can and if they aren’t completed by the deadline you gave to yourself, just continue to work at them.

I’m proud of you future graduate. Things may seem so unclear now, but trust me you got this.

Love,

Kia ♥

How To Keep A Man

How To Keep A

If you look at any piece of media, you will see countless of tv shows, think pieces and books written by “relationship experts” who tell women all day long about what we can do to keep a grown ass man. Our tasks include but are not limited to: cooking, cleaning, fucking him on demand and being softer, smaller, and quieter for a man that will probably  likely STILL cheat on you/leave you anyway in spite of you doing all that!

It’s comical because I myself and many people I know once adhered to those unrealistic standards of womanhood and losing ourselves in the process. Have ya’ll ever wondered why it ain’t no books, movies or tv shows out here telling men how to treat women?

Nope, of course not because they don’t exist lol.

Yet somehow, the responsibility of having a successful relationship and keeping a man is ALWAYS placed on us. When things go sour due to infidelity, women are taught to ALWAYS look at ourselves first instead of holding these men accountable.

If we are going to talk about “keeping a man” then the conversation needs to shift from what women should or should not do and more about how a relationship takes an equal amount of work. We need to talk about how everybody has choices and free will and how you simply cannot “keep” someone who doesn’t want to be “kept.”

If there is anything I want women to stop doing, it is for us to stop crouching and contorting and dimming our own light just to please these men.

A hard lesson to learn is that you can’t love someone into loving you.

You can try, but at the end of the day you may be left empty and when has it ever been cool to have your loyalty make you look foolish?

When a man wants you, you will know. You won’t have to conform yourself and perform magic tricks just to keep him around.

So sorry if you read this post in hopes that I would be giving out the keys to successful relationships.

The only secret to keeping a man is simply his desire to be kept.