To Bloggers Who Want To Start BUT….

Blogger

If I had a dollar for everytime someone reached out to me to discuss their aspirations of becoming a blogger, I’d be rich AF right now. As a person that’s always open to sharing what I know, I’m usually elated to see people take heed of my advice and create these dope blogs and brands while others…. well they have created nothing but more excuses for themselves.

The hard part about doing anything is simply starting it. It is said that procrastination is derived out of fear, so to my fellow bloggers who want to start a blog yet keep dragging their feet, I ask… what are you so afraid of?

Here are some of the common excuses I hear and what you can do to combat them.

“I Just Don’t Have Time..”

Look. People make time for what they want to make time for. Learn how to properly plan. Plot out how many blog posts you want to drop a month. Keep a journal or your phone on you to jot down ideas and create drafts. Sometimes, you may have to wake up a little earlier or go to bed a little later just to get a post out. Time is what we make of it. The more time you spend saying you don’t have time is the time that could be spent writing a blog post.

 

“But I don’t have ______________”

When I first started blogging, I didn’t even have my own laptop. I used to go the friend’s houses, McDonald’s, the library, and Starbucks for wifi. I’m a firm believer in not letting what you don’t have stop you from accomplishing what you want to accomplish. You don’t have to have a fire logo yet or a professional web design. In the beginning stages, you probably haven’t figured out what you want your brand to be about and even if you have, I’m pretty sure you will revamp and rebrand as the years go on… but you gotta get started first. As long as you are consistent in the blogging world, you will get everything that you need.

 

“But EVERYBODY has a blog!”

Nothing new is under the sun, the difference is in the execution. Everybody and they mama may have a blog but everybody and they mama ain’t you. Even if you want to blog about common topics, nobody in this world is you which means that your perspective on things will be different than everyone else’s. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t even be worried about what someone else is doing. Once you stop dragging your feet, you can figure out what your niche is. But again, you have to start first.

 

“But I don’t know enough about blogging”

Nobody ever does in the beginning and truthfully, we all are figuring this thang out as we go along. We live in the age of information so whatever you want to know, is possible to know. There are so many workshops, webinars, youtube videos, Facebook groups, and established bloggers on social media that you can utilize. Try a few different resources and see what works for you and what doesn’t. Everything is trial and error in the blog world.

 

“It’s just not the right time…”

I learned this secret about people a long time ago: We never feel like there is a “right time” to do anything. We are our toughest critics, hardest judges. It’s one thing to want things done decently and in order, it’s another thing to obsess over every minor detail to the point where you prolong.

 

“I’m Just Scared..”

When you think about sharing something, it can indeed be scary. When you make the decision to become a blogger, You are opening yourself up to a world of criticism, a world of the unknown. You don’t really know who supports or is hating on you, (the latter doesn’t matter as long as they giving your blog a view) you don’t even know if people will like what you have to show or say. Blogs are nothing without an audience so it can be even scarier determining who yours is.

I know you’re scared but fuck it, do it anyway!

Why miss out on a chance to get better at something?

Why sit on your dreams?

Somebody out there needs to see/hear/watch what you have to say.

So do it.

Pretend you got some faith and walk out on it.

It’s scary as fuck putting yourself out there but I can personally say that after six years, it’s totally worth it.

With that being said, take these few things with you:

  • Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Fear is good. Fear is what makes us human. Fear should give us an adrenaline rush not paralyze us.
  • You are YOU. Yes everyone has a blog but nobody has a blog like YOU so start that thang. It’s a piece of the pie for all of us out here.
  • There is no such thing as L’s, only lessons learned. I’m not sure what your definition of success for your blog will be but even if you do “fail” you now how something to learn from. Remain open to learning.

 

Moral of the story, if you’re reading this and you wanna start that blog you’ve been dreaming of, then stop dragging your feet. 

XOXOXO,

Kia ♥♥♥♥

 

 

 

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#ShareItSundays: Let’s Talk About Sex by Tamika Ayers

Copy of Share It Sundays

Hey y’all, welcome to the second entry for #ShareItSundays. This post is from Tamika Ayers and originally appeared on tamikaayers.us

This blog takes readers through the sex conversation of the author and her spouse.

Initially, when I got engaged to my husband I was like “YES!! LEGAL SEX!! LET’S GOOOOOO!! No judgment zone! Do it do it do it!” I think I was more excited about that than I was about anything else. I mean to be preached at for all of your life that sex is for married people only; the desire to have it freely was mine for the taking!! YAAAASSSS GAWD!! That’s not how it suppose to be, but that’s what I was thinking, lol! As we got further along in our marriage, I realized I didn’t have that much experience sexually which had me a tad bit insecure. I wasn’t even sure that I was pleasing him despite the obvious evidence.

I mean, it wasn’t my first go around when it came to sex, but I wasn’t familiar with it enough to know what exactly I needed to do when it came to different positions, mindset, etc. I was a good kisser and I was relying on that HEAVILY, but um muh ruh… Sex was all the way different than kissing. And that one position everybody was doing became overly used. I enjoyed it, but I wasn’t sure he enjoyed it.

Yep. Talk about amateur. Like literally I was telling myself, I have got to try something new. Change this thang up a little bit. That required me to step out of my comfort zone and look… dumb! Okay maybe not dumb, but I had to jump out of my comfort zone. I struggled with this because I don’t like to embarrass myself and I don’t like to look stupid. If I do something, I need to be successful at it right then. No mess up zone!

 

There was a constant mental image in my head that IF I tried something new and my husband would be like “Girl what tha heck are you doing?”  I would cry my eyes out and be in quiet mode until I got my dignity back. So then I was like “What if he wouldn’t like my new moves or maybe my choice of lingerie?” He’s already told me that I couldn’t dance and my choice of lingerie needed less material, LOL! SIR, I AM SAVED AND SANCTIFIED! We don’t wear all of that in HOLINESS!! Yea… I was losing.

I mean to me, it had to be RIGHT. No mess ups. Everything had to be perfect and since the negative thoughts trumped the concept that this is my life partner so he wouldn’t judge my mess ups I just stayed in my good ol’ Hello Kitty cotton onesie (JUDGE ME NOT! They’re really warm, lol!), big T-shirts, and bonnet. Chiiiiiile… I needed to sleep comfortably, lol! I didn’t picture myself taking the reins in my sex life and letting him rest from dominating because… I NEVER DID and I DIDN’T WANT TO LOOK CRAZY!

So I did the impossible and I asked him: “Do I satisfy you sexually?” and “What do you like?”

Believe it or not, talking about sex makes me feel sooo weird. Like I thought about it a lot, but having to actually talk about it made me shiver. So having this conversation with my husband was MAJOR for me. Initiating the conversation was that much more major. It was a moment of vulnerability (remember I hate vulnerable moments) because I had to be open to critique (if there were any) and I had to get out of the mindset of habit. I’m a creature of habit no matter how exciting life is. As blunt as my husband is, the conversation was AMAZING! I learned what he liked and what he enjoyed. I learned what he likes to see me in and what he zones in on. This then allowed me to try new things because I knew what I was working with. I had a foundation to build on that was developed by a single conversation. 

The conversation of what pleases you and what your husband desires is VERY important. The act of sex is pleasing the other partner, but you can’t go in there thinking it’s all about you. That selfish situation will have you fulfilled and your spouse starving for that fulfillment. This leaves the door open for other things and thoughts to manifest that shouldn’t. I’m not saying cheating is okay. It’s absolutely not okay. I do believe that we should do our best to not contribute to the temptation.

Be vulnerable.

Have the conversation.

In the words of my husband “We’ve got forever to go so let’s make this work!”

Tamika A.

Like what you read? Visit Tamika’s website at tamikaayers.us and follow her on Instagram and Twitter @iamtamika_ayers

#ShareItSundays: Stay Woke

Editor’s Note: Welcome to the first installment for #ShareItSundays, a guest posting opportunity for those that have a story to tell. Submissions can be submitted either publicly or anonymously to kiasmithwrites@gmail.com

With that being said, welcome to #StayWoke, anonymously submitted by one of my readers. This post has been lightly edited for grammar.

  I hope you enjoy!

Read More »

The Fear of Winning

The 
Fear
Of
Winning

Dear you reading this,

Yes, you.

Are you feeling stagnant?

Hate your current job?

Find yourself complaining more than usual?

If you answered yes to anything above, the reason you are feeling what you’re feeling could be for one or two reasons: 1) You are miserable because you are not walking in your purpose and 2) You have a fear of winning.

“But of course I want to win Kia, wtf are you talking about?” you indignantly thought or said to yourself. You probably rolled your eyes too.

But look, I don’t believe you.

In the age of social media, looking like you are winning or the idea of winning is far more appealing than the process you have to go through to achieve those wins.

While working towards a win, somewhere along the line you realized “Oh shit. This is gonna take more work than I bargained for.” It is often said that to whom much is given, much is required. I think that’s in the Bible somewhere.

I won’t harshly judge you because I’ve been in this exact same space before. Hell, on some days I am still in it. I have been so afraid of my own greatness that I did everything I could to avoid walking in my purpose. Downplaying myself and everything, it was a sad sight to see.

The fear of winning doesn’t necessarily come from you doubting yourself. It actually comes from you believing in yourself so much that you now realize that you gotta move differently. You might have to cut some toxic people and things off, you gotta make a few sacrifices to get what you want.

Most importantly, you have to undergo a process that is less than glamorous and will more than likely take a toll on you.

But just because it takes a lot of work to win doesn’t mean that you are incapable of winning.

If it was easy, would it still be worth it to you?

My 2018 mantra is to believe in myself no matter what and do the shit that scares me because I will either WIN or I will LEARN.

Repeating that mantra and literally using my fear to propel me forward is what is helping me be a little less scared of winning. Other things that help me are these 3 keys:

1. The energy you use to complain about your current situation is energy that could be used in focusing how to win.

You can’t win without working, I don’t care what social media tells you. Work with purpose, work diligently, work with vigor and fearlessness. Just don’t complain (at least not too much) because once those wins start coming in, remember that this is what you wanted.

2. It is okay to say no to things that don’t align with your purpose

We were not put on this earth to simply work a job just to survive, pay bills, and die. Cover your ass of course, but also find things that will help you along your journey even if it is just temporary. This may be my extreme optimism kicking in, but find a way to make every situation work and win for you. And if it does not, say no to it and walk away.

3. You deserve to win

Are you afraid to win because a part of you feels like you don’t deserve it? I struggle with this too. But guess what, you do deserve to win. When you have gifts and talents, you should share them with the world. We have to learn to give ourselves more grace. To clap for ourselves. To continue to work hard and revel in our victories and success. Like I tell one of my homegirls all the time, “You deserve all the good things.”

You deserve all the good things, pal.

You deserve all the good things.

It won’t be easy of course, but I can guarantee that it will be worth it.

The wins are always worth it.

 

Have you ever been scared of winning before?

How do you combat the fear?

 

 

What’s Your Support Love Language?

What_s your Support love language_

S U P P O R T.

The word that everybody throws around, but do we know what it truly means? What does it look like? What does it feel like?

If you support me, then I support you. However, even if you don’t support me BUT I rock with what you’re doing, then I will STILL support you. For example, I love and support the hell out of Beyonce, but sis and I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet. Am I supposed to stop supporting Queen Bey just because she doesn’t like my pictures on IG or retweet one of my blog posts?

My support isn’t really contingent on what someone else is or is not doing.

I support because I simply love to see people win.

I support because support is one of the easiest (and usually most free) things you can give to somebody.

I support because that’s genuinely who I am as a person. Ask my mama and all my friends.

Something we all have to understand about support is that sometimes it’s not directly reciprocated from the ones we support.

If you get caught up in who is or who is not clapping for you, you will miss out on who actually is clapping for you, even if it’s just a few.

I am a firm believer in that all you need is a small tribe of people who really fuck with you because those are the people who will believe in you and push you when you find it difficult to believe in yourself.

When seeking to give or receive support, ask yourself a few questions:

Am I supporting this person because I want to be acknowledged for it?

Am I supporting this person because when the time comes, I want this person to directly reciprocate it back to me?

Am I supporting this person because I believe in them and care about what they are doing?

Am I supporting just because that’s who I am as a person?

There is no right or wrong answer to those questions. Just self-reflect and move forward accordingly.

To help with that, you need to figure out your love language for support and how to effectively communicate them. In other words, how do you want others to show they support you?

F O R  M E:

In my normal love language, I adore words of affirmation, whether I am giving them or receiving them. Naturally, being uplifted or encouraged by friends, family and strangers alike is a great way to show that you support me. I also like when people listen to my ideas or if they are able to physically show up to things that matter to me. Being supported on social media is special to me as well. Every like, retweet, etc. does not go unnoticed and is sooo appreciated.

F O R  O T H E R S:

Some people like to be supported by you helping them with something (acts of service) such as helping them set up a space for an event. Other people may feel supported when you buy something they are selling (receiving or giving gifts). Some may like it when you are a physical shoulder to cry on (physical touch).

SOME KEY THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT SUPPORT

1. Nobody is obligated to support you

This is a hard pill to swallow but it doesn’t make it any less true.We have to remember that support is earned, not given and that our friends and family may have different interests outside of what you’re doing.

Ask yourself would you rather people support you just for the hell of it? Or do you want them to support you because they believe in what you’re doing?

Whatever your answer, please remember this: Nobody is obligated to so remember that when you find yourself getting upset at something.

2. Focus on the love, never the hate

We focus too much on who isn’t clapping for us. I think it’s because we are our own biggest and worst critics and we know that we work so hard that when support doesn’t come from the people that we expect it to, we deflect that hurt by focusing on who isn’t supporting us. It hurts the most when it’s friends and fam who don’t support because we set these expectations in our head that they are obligated to believe in our dreams (refer back to #1). I couldn’t name one person who isn’t supporting me because I simply don’t care. I don’t give my energy to it to nor do I rack my brain in trying to figure out why. The love always outweighs the lack of support and even the hate. Focus on that and remain grateful.

3. Support is like karma, it eventually comes back around

It may not be reciprocated by who poured it into you, but support will ALWAYS come back full circle. Understand that you will reach the audience that you are meant to reach. There will be people who understand and believe in what you are doing and support you effortlessly.

*4. Some people won’t support you simply cuz it’s you… and that’s okay!

Understand that you, your brand, whatever you’re selling isn’t for everybody. Sometimes, no matter how dope you are, some people will never bring themselves to give you props. Understand that you whether or not you receive criticism or praise, you will be STRAIGHT no matter what! Maybe they are a hater. Maybe they aren’t interested in what you have going on. Maybe they just don’t like you… but they will pay attention to everything you do. Don’t seek support from those type of people… you’re better off without it.

With that being said….

Talk to your people man, Figure out your love language for support and communicate that. Figure out a way that you can express it for others who need a support love language too.  And may it be reciprocated in ways you couldn’t imagine.

XOXOXOXO,

Kia ♥

 

 

 

The Year of No

The Year of

I wouldn’t exactly call myself a people pleaser, but I have bent my boundaries one too many times than I’m comfortable with for people that I love, care for or simply even like. 

Alright fuck it, I’m a people pleaser. And it’s hard for me to say no.

After getting pissed off by someone I hold near and dear to my heart, I decided to do some self-reflecting. I had to question some things:

  • Why am I afraid of saying no?
  • Why do I like to bend my boundaries?
  • What approval am I seeking and WHY?
  • When will this madness end?

Then I was like fuck it. 2018 is going to be my year of NO.  This post has nothing to do with the person who pissed me off (though I do thank them for inspiring this tweet that led to this blog post) but more so in waking up and realizing that if I want continued peace (cuz I’ve been feeling hella peaceful lately) then I have to stop playing around and say NO more.

So let’s get to it.

No, You Ain’t Gone Drain Me

This year, and every year after this, I refuse to let toxicity in my life. If you are someone I love and care about, you can’t be around me if you are causing me pain or putting more on me emotionally than I can bear.

I’m not having the same arguments anymore, I refuse to let life get sucked out of me. I’m NOT going through the same drama. In the year’s prior, I let too much slide. That’s dead now. Absolutely no more draining me.

No, You Ain’t Gone Mistreat Me

How can you claim to care about me yet in the same instance treat me bogus? Before you attach yourself to me, be honest and ask yourself what are your intentions with me? I’m not perfect at all but I am still worthy of being treated right. If you have ever mistreated me, ask yourself would YOU like if I treated YOU how YOU treat me? Family, friend or foe, there will be NO mistreatment of Miss Smith in 2018 and beyond.

No, I’m not fucking with you if our goals and visions don’t align

I’ll start with this: If someone has brought my name up to work with, then I am honored, grateful and extremely flattered to be considered.

However….

If we have NO type of relationship, then why on earth would I spend my time, my energy, my ideas, or exchange my labor for free? Or more importantly, when our goals and visions don’t even align? When what you have going on and what I have going on don’t even relate?

I can fuck with what you’re doing without having to be directly involved. Support from a distance is a real thing.

No, You Won’t Make Me Feel Bad For Saying No

As a former   current  people pleaser, I hate to tell people no. But shit, if I want to keep the peace then that’s what I’m going to have to start doing. If I had to choose between my peace and pleasing others, I’ll take my peace for 500 Alex! It starts small. No, I don’t wanna come out. No, I can’t spend money on that. Just no. And I will stop feeling bad every time I can’t do something or don’t want to do something. The answer is no. Period.

Moral of the story… NO is a complete ass sentence. Respect it.

 

New year, New boundaries!

What are some things you’re saying no to this year?

 

Just Another End of The Year Post

New Year Goals Instagram Post

 2017 was a year… like any other year.

A series of highs and lows. Wins and lessons learned. A  year of old friendships ending and new ones beginning.

To be honest, my 2016 was so trash that I vowed and put the work in to make 2017 better… and it WAS!

So many milestones this year and so many endless memories! I had a lot of fun this year. I traveled. I graduated from college finally! I had the roughest summer financially, emotionally, and mentally. Bounced back from that shit. Lost some people and grew apart from some that I thought would be around forever and hell, I’m still alive from that too. I persevered in some of my darkest moments and to top it all off, I’m coming up on 6 years of being a blogger! All in all, 2017 was GOOD to me.

As 2017 comes to a close and I turn my eyes on the horizon of 2018, some of my goals for this new year include:

KEEP WRITING MY TRUTH

I personally feel like 2017 was my best year so far as a writer. I told myself at the end of 2016 that I would write more content in 2017 and not only did I do that, I wrote some GOOD shit. But in writing my truth, of course, I offended a few people. It was never intentional but I won’t apologize for expressing how I feel. I learned that as a writer who puts her work out there, sometimes you will have people who disagree with you and that’s okay! I don’t necessarily write to please others. I write for me, I just so happen to let ya’ll read them LOL. I appreciate how writing my truth has sparked conversations. Made people feel a type of way. Made them think. I will keep writing my truth because what I have to say may resonate with someone else one day.

KEEP FLOURISHING

To flourish means to grow vigorously, to be in ones prime. If I did nothing else in 2017, I certainly flourished! My heart got fonder. Smile got brighter. Edges grew. Mental health got better and I looked and felt good a lot more this year than I have in past years. I certainly plan to carry this with me into 2018 and I learned that in order to truly flourish it starts from within. We are ALL works in progress! You don’t have to have it all together NOW, but the fact that you are trying is a pathway to constantly flourishing.

HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE

I constantly strive to be a better person each day, yet I no longer care about who doesn’t like me. I ain’t for everybody. I’m okay with that. I am who I am. One person’s opinion of me cannot stop the blessings that God has bestowed upon me OR the plan God has for my life. I wasn’t put on this earth to please other people. On the flip side, having no fucks to give also means to live fearlessly. To live boldly. To chase relentlessly after my dreams and not worrying that the outcome will be less than successful.

FALL MORE IN LOVE WITH MYSELF

Aye, self-love is a process but it’s getting easier over time. This year I learned and practiced the importance of being kind and gentle to myself. To constantly affirm myself and give myself grace. Are you aware of the language you use when you talk about yourself? I paid more attention to that and switched my whole style up. No negative self-talk. No more beating myself up when I make mistakes, I am human. Falling more in love with myself also means that I can acknowledge that I deserve to be loved how I want to be loved and treated how I want to be treated. It’s setting boundaries and STICKING to them (will be working on that part all of 2018).

COLLAB MORE

In 2017 I was blessed to work with and be apart of some very amazing teams. (Hey Culture, Hey Live Young).

In 2018 I want to collab with more brands and businesses that align with what I’m doing. I want to curate events, help others and just have a network of people that can utilize their services, their wisdom, and talents to help the next person as well. Is that through brand sponsorships and partnerships? I’m not sure. Is that through guest posting on other sites? Maybe. I’m still figuring it out. I often have people reach out to me who want to do business. Sometimes they are the right fit and sometimes they aren’t… It’s all a matter of having conversations and then going with your gut feelings when it comes to collaborating. I welcome all positive, naturally aligned and beneficial collaborations for 2018.

 

Welp, that about concludes all that I have to say for 2017. It was a great year, but I am happy that it is about to be over. I’m ready to welcome in 2018, learn some new lessons and have some more wins! Thank you all for reading, commenting and sharing my blog this year.

What are some of your goals for 2018? What were some of your wins and lessons learned from 2017?

 

Your Situationship Is Your Fault

Your situationship is your fault 1

Leave it to The Shade Room to spark a controversial debate. Last week, they posted this picture below and it had all my Group Me Chats lit! Not to mention the thousands of comments the post itself received, it was extremely interesting and sad to see the varying perspectives on this picture.

Here’s the thing: Regardless of how which side you fall on, you both are right.

Let me borrow your eyes for a sec so I can explain.

Screen Shot 2017-12-17 at 8.35.30 PM

To the men who claim they don’t want a relationship, the goofy ass “a bond is better than a title” type guy, the fella that acts more inconsistent than a woman’s emotions when she’s on her monthly cycle, I am talking directly to YOU when I say this:

You ain’t shit.

To say you don’t want a relationship yet you expect or accept relationship benefits makes you trash. Not only are you bogus, but to agree with the first statement in the pic what you’re doing is emotional abuse as well.

A woman will make it clear about what she wants (which is commitment). Ya’ll will say “Nah, I’m not looking for a relationship” but conveniently leave out the part where you want to be her only sex partner, stay at her house 3 times a week, go out on dates, have her around your closest friends and family AND ON TOP OF THAT, dump your emotional baggage on her cuz you know that she’s the only person besides yo bald headed ass mama that will listen to you.

But nah. You don’t want a relationship. *side eye*

Do ya’ll see how dumb that sounds? Ya’ll act like this because ya’ll are scared. And selfish. And so emotionally bankrupt that ya’ll lack the honesty and overall capacity to think of anyone besides yourself. It’s like damn, what lil girl in 3rd grade hurt your feelings and now your grown ass can’t get over it? Go seek therapy you fucking psycho.

If you don’t want a relationship, make sure your actions align with what you’re saying.

You can’t say you just wanna have sex but then at some point you move a little slower at going to the bathroom to wash off, put your clothes back on and go home. Ya’ll start contacting her outside of “booty call hours” to talk her ear off about your long ass day. You and her start going outside on dates like ya’ll go together. Some of ya’ll fools even slip up and say ya’ll love the chick. But the moment she brings up getting serious, you go back to the “I don’t want a relationship” bullshit as if you haven’t been carrying on like you’ve been in one for months.

Once that happens, the young lady’s crazy switch is turned on and I use the word “crazy” loosely. Men always call us crazy but refuse to acknowledge the emotional abuse, gas lighting and ghosting that contributes to that.

Moral of the story men: If you don’t want something serious make sure your actions align with that. Don’t be purposely confusing, it can’t possibly be that hard to find someone on the same page as you. If you find yourself in some unnecessary drama, understand it’s your fault.

On to the ladies.

Cuz we ain’t so innocent either.

Sis, you can’t cry and complain about this man walking in and out your life literally fucking with you whenever he feels like it without acknowledging that you’re the one who keeps opening up the door and giving him the keys sis!

Like shorty in the tweet said, if he made himself clear, it is now your responsibility to leave him the hell alone. Don’t leave it up to him to let you know about his trash intentions. However, if his actions say a completely different thing than his mouth I understand where the confusion comes from. Confusion leads to a bunch of dumb ass, clown ass, decisions. Now you’ve been finessed into keeping a goofy around.

I rarely ever call ya’ll dumb but in all honesty, it is dumb AF to think that sex, loyalty, good food and emotional support will make somebody change their minds. I hate whoever socialized women into making us believe that not only do we have to stretch ourselves thin and go through hell and back, but we also gotta wait on a mf to wake up and see that we are worthy enough to be their girlfriends?!?!

BITCH PLEASE!

Find you some self-esteem because that line of thinking has got to go! You’re the prize sis! Act like it!

Another reason that the situationship you’re in is your fault is that you are not holding yourself accountable and you refuse to set boundaries and actually stick to them. If that mf doesn’t want to love you openly, honestly and in YOUR love language, then there’s nothing left to talk about. Block him.

If affection and sex are what you desire then buy yourself a teddy bear, pay a visit to your nearest sex store and make it work.

“But Kia it’s not the same,” you think to yourself while reading this.

Well, I know it’s not but I also don’t care.

You wanna know another reason why this is your fault? Because you keep making up a million reasons to keep fuckin with someone you KNOW isn’t good for you, thus contributing to your own misery.

I don’t care if his dog died, the plant ran away and he’s been eating Ramen noodles for the past week, tell that mf to call on God and block his number.

If you keep finding yourself in the same predicament, search within and realize that you are apart of the problem sis!

Moral of the story: I just want us all to do better! In a perfect world, I dream that men and women will be able to sit down with one another and clearly communicate what it is that they are looking for. If neither party is able to come to an agreement, both should be able to walk away.

Now that you know how the situations we find ourselves in are (y)our fault, the better question is what are you going to do about it?

 

 

Have you ever been in a situationship? How did it start and how did it end? What were some dumb reasons you made up to justify the continuation of dealing with them? What do you think of the picture posted on The Shade Room? Which side are you on? Talk to me in the comments and let me know 

Why Is It So Hard To Forgive?

Why Is it So Hard To Forgive-

Betrayal from the people you love who are supposed to love you leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The initial shock from finding out about their betrayal is strong enough to make your head spin. And the rage you feel, well that’s enough to make you feel like you either need to be in somebody’s mental institution or jail cell before you really hurt somebody.

Which brings me to my next point:

I have a confession to make: I really suck at being forgiving. It’s like I try to move forward about certain things, but at this moment I just CAN’T.

It frustrates me. I would like to think of myself as a person who is very carefree, full of positivity and mature enough to regulate all my emotions, especially the ones when I’ve been betrayed.

So I began to ask myself, why is it so hard for me to forgive? Am I out here living fraudulently? Do my struggles with forgiveness disrupt my overall positive persona?

Well, the short answer is no.

However, I noticed a friend of mine on Twitter tweet about the 4 stages of forgiveness on Sunday (Hey, @DarrienDyrell) and I finally got some insight.

 

The Hurt

So say you’ve had a homegirl or homeboy that you’ve been rocking with for a while when all of sudden, that person near and dear to your heart just does some completely-left-field snake ass shit.

How you gone feel when you find out?

I bet you can’t even fathom the hurt. One minute you and this person are just close as ya’ll usually are, the next minute you find out that this person isn’t who they portrayed themselves to be. Now you gotta break up with your friend and I don’t care what nobody says, breaking up with a friend is far worse than breaking up with a significant other!

Hurt is inevitable in this thing called life but it doesn’t make it any less mentally draining.

The Hate

So once you get over the shock of being hurt, next thing you know is that you have feelings of hatred towards them. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s real. You hate what they did to you. You hate yourself for being so trusting, so open, so vulnerable. You hate them again for making you feel a type of way. You damn near wanna beat they ass. But you don’t. Instead you let that hate simmer and bubble up inside you with no one to really vent to because all you’ll hear is that “life is too short to hate anyone” and then you feel like a weak ass bitch that’s not really committed to growing because if you were, then why have you allowed yourself to hate them?

But then again, maybe that’s just me. *shrug*

 

The Hook

So after you let that hate bubble up inside of you, you have this thought like “okay…. maybe I should just get over this. This is unhealthy.” Like my friend @DarrienDyrell said, the hook is holding on to the hurt. Attaching or hooking the action to the person can hinder our well being, our growth. Once we unhook them, we will not interact with them out of the hurt and hate they caused.

Eventually, we gotta get over rolling our eyes and sucking our teeth at a bitch we don’t like anymore.  Eventually, we gotta heal.

But how? How do we really feel about the person who betrayed us outside of the hurt? Why do we choose to hold on to things?

The Healing

This is the part I’m stuck on but I do know this: As cliche as it sounds, forgiveness is not something you do for other people. (Half the time, the person who betrayed you doesn’t even think they did something wrong.) Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Nobody wants to let someone have so much power over them that every time you see them your whole vibe changes. I read somewhere recently that when someone you love betrays you, it’s actually a good thing because they showed you who they truly are and you needed that. In my opinion, the only thing worse than getting betrayed is being around someone who portrays to have your best interest at heart and they truly don’t. Betrayal exposes the snakes in the grass so you can go through the stages of forgiving them and focus on the healing, which is really the hard part.

 

1 more thing about forgiving

So you are taking the steps to heal. It’s hard ass work I know… And it sucks on top of that.

Remember that when you heal from a situation, it doesn’t mean that you have to allow the people who hurt you back in your life.

Remember that you are a complex person… struggling with forgiveness doesn’t cancel out all your other attributes. Allow yourself to be human and give yourself the room to work on yourself. (that was for me)

Be thankful that people showed you who they truly are. Everyone in your life has a season, sometimes a person’s season goes quicker than others.

It’s quite normal to feel a small sense of pain seeing someone who hurt you after a while. You’re human. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying to heal, it just means you aren’t a robot.

Lastly, its quite normal to feel nothing when you see someone who hurt you. Maybe that’s a sign that you are truly healed from the situation. Either way it goes, own all of your emotions behind it and understand that sometimes, there will be no answer behind why it’s so hard to forgive.

 

XOXOXO,

Kia ♥

 

Question time: What’s the hardest part about forgiving? Is there currently a situation where you are holding on to some hurt or anger towards someone? Are you interested in healing? What does forgiveness mean to you? What does it feel like?

I Don’t Wanna Be Your Weekend

 

FISH FRY
Just a reminder that I’m worth it every calendar day of the year.

 

He texted me recently. Asking me how I was doing and if we could link soon. As tempting as it was, I declined. I already knew what our linking up would entail.

Another one I saw during my alma mater’s homecoming celebration. Briefly passing each other in a dark bar, instead of saying hello he decided to remind me that he would still have sex with me, even though last time I checked he was in a fully committed relationship with his girlfriend in another state.

 

Then there was this other guy. I now laugh about how hard and quick I fell for him. I guess you could say it was because I was going through an extremely vulnerable time in my life and simply needed somebody.

He made me feel so good about myself, then he ghosted me.

I spent an unreasonable amount of time wondering what it is that I did wrong, yearning to talk to him again and desperately wanting things to go back to how they once were.

All the pep talks and positive affirmations in the world couldn’t replace that empty feeling. Eventually, I moved on but the lingering memories of being ghosted like that still stings from time to time, though I’ve attempted to make peace with it.

SZA’s song The Weekend comes on and we sing our hearts out about being a man’s weekend. The break from the boring and stressful 9 to 5, the fun girl. I love SZA. I love the song. This point ain’t even about her truth be told, it’s more so about me and the things I’ve put up with when I struggled to like or love myself.

If I could tell any of those dudes anything, it would be that I don’t wanna be your weekend.

I would tell them that I deserve more than half-ass attempts to get to know me and only checking on me when they see me post pics on social media.

I would tell them I deserve more than mediocre-at-best sexual escapades and only wanting to spend time with because they’re bored.

Men have this terrible habit of making me their something to do when there is nothing to do or in other words, fucking with me when his girlfriend or main chick who thinks she’s his girlfriend (but he won’t commit to her either) are not on good terms.

I often wonder about the type of men I attract. Is it me? Am I not carrying myself well enough?

The dates. The phone calls. The quality time spent usually comes full force and then when they either A) Get tired of me or B) They mend things with the person they really want they go ghost on me until the next go-round.

I’m not happy to admit that I once played that role. But you live and you learn.

I often wonder how did dating get so emotionally taxing? Especially when it used to be fun as hell. Gone are the days of honesty and transparency, now there’s only room for games and more games.

While I desire companionship, I can’t fold for accepting less than I deserve any longer.

So look, if you’re reading this (cuz you probably are) understand this:

I DON’T WANNA BE YOUR WEEKEND.

I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR 9 TO 5.

I don’t want to be anything to anybody that can’t stick to their commitments, can’t see me as more than an object, can’t see me as fully human and can’t take my thoughts and feelings into account.

It seriously won’t kill you n*ggas to be nice and considerate for once.

I deserved to be treated how I wanted to and loved how I want to be loved. If that’s not your intention, let me know from the door so you can stop wasting my time and go find somebody else to play with.

Moral of the story: Fuck a weekend. Fuck a 9 to 5. I’m worth it every calendar day of the year.