Exploring Celibacy

I have been having sex since I was 14 years old. As you read this, please understand two things about that: 1. That is not something I am flexing about. 2. That is something I no longer live in shame about either.

It is just a fact. And like most facts, mine come with a story. The story goes like this: It was never my idea to begin having sex so early. But, I had a boyfriend at the time who was older than me. He wanted to have sex. I wanted to please him.

The rest was history.


I’ve been trying to find the words to describe what the last 11 years have been like for me. Outside of therapy, I never took the time to process the years of recurring trauma and how it impacted me. I guess you can say that I am unpacking it here with you. If you’re still reading this, then I should be transparent and let you know that the last 11 years has left me with I’ve experienced:

  • Countless heartbreaks.
  • A couple trips to the clinic because chlamydia is real, and not being safe sexually is real too.
  • 2 pregnancies followed by 2 abortions 2 years apart.
  • Being treated like a sex object.
  • Being summed up by my sexual ability.
  • My discernment just not being used.

Still reading? Alright, let’s keep going.


Back in May of this year, I started therapy again. What brought me back in there was a combination of things, namely the emotionally draining interactions I was having with men and how I was worried that I would break. If you know me, you know that I am an advocate for mental health and I know myself well enough to know when things ain’t right. May was a crazy ass month in itself, but I knew something was going to happen. And lo and behold, I missed a period and I was pregnant for the second time.

Then it was like a domino effect of inconvenient shit happening, a lot of poor decisions on my behalf.

After deciding to terminate this pregnancy as well, I found myself back in my therapist’s office, processing things. The beginning of the summer was difficult on ALL levels, but a source of my unhappiness was definitely my choices in men. While I won’t place all blame on them, always remember that you have the power to choose.

And I kept choosing wrong. I noticed a pattern. While every guy I’ve been with was NOT emotionally draining or toxic, I particularly found myself attached to the guys who were emotionally unavailable. Or the guys who only liked fucking me, but never wanted to BE with me. It was crazy, because how could me, Ms. #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge be so…. adamant in not loving myself? In choosing wrong? For a while, I felt fraudulent as fuck, because:

I was choosing chaos over the peace that I rightfully deserved.

It was as if self-sabotage was my middle name. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I needed a reset. I wanted to reset my mind, my body, and most importantly my spirit. Because whether it was self-inflicted or not, how sane would you be if you kept experiencing recurring trauma?


It was per my therapist’s recommendation that I “be still” and not date. At first I was resistant to it, because I ALWAYS had someone to talk to. Go out on dates with. Have different forms of intimacy with. And yes, have sex with. So when she recommended it, at first I was like

Like girl what do you even mean?! For 11 years, damn near my WHOLE identity was wrapped up into who I was dating, and now I gotta be by myself?????? I stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, and agreed.

It was me who decided to take it a step further and be celibate.

While the words celibate and abstinence are used interchangeably, my definition of celibacy is when you intentionally decide not to engage in sexual acts with other people.

A special note to add is that celibacy is NOT when you simply don’t have someone to have sex with. Celibacy is more deliberate and intentional. Not a lil dry spell.


The interesting thing about all of this is that I’m not even a person who has a “high” sex drive (whatever that means to you), but I can seriously go for months at a time without it. In fact the longest I’ve been without sex was this one time for 9 months in high school.

In fact, a lot of guys I’ve been sexual with always complained that I never wanted to have sex as frequently as they would like. There’s reasons behind that.

What’s interesting to me, is that many religious people would say that me enduring all this shit is probably my “punishment” for engaging in sex so early. I’m not sure about all that, but I will say that I’ve learned from every decision I’ve ever made.

Anyway, another reason I am choosing to intentionally pursue celibacy is because I wanna snatch my power back. As I said earlier, I ain’t NEVER not had someone. I may not be big on sex but I am big on intimacy and companionship. And while I’ll always be big on intimacy and companionship, I am curious to know who I am and learn what I can accomplish when the focus is 100% on me.

Ask yourself, who are you when you remove distractions and pour energy into yourself? Get to know that person. Get to know them well.


Many are curious about how I am able to survive, and with 2 months in, I can say so far so good. This is partly due to me:

  • Not having a high sex drive in the first place
  • Intentionally setting boundaries, cutting off, or simply blocking ALL the guys I was dealing with. When it ain’t no prospects, it makes things a lot easier, lol. And at this point, if you got a crush on me… just keep it to yourself lol.

I’ve even become vocal with guys I meet at social functions who seem interested in getting to know me further: I am single and celibate and I won’t be changing that any time soon. That usually keeps them away lol. But I don’t mind.

The part that has been hard for me thus far, is definitely the lack of companionship and intimacy. I’ve had a lot of lonely days and nights (which I’m sure I’ll have more of) but this piece of mind is wayyyyy better than the bullshit I USED to be on.


I look at celibacy in a positive way. It’s not that I can’t get laid. The problem is, I nor majority of the men I chose to lay with valued me…like ALL of me.

While the decisions that led me to be celibate for at minimum of a year was dramatic, I do believe that things had to happen in the way that they did for me to get it. I also knew I had some areas in my life where I wanted to have more discipline. When I put my mind to it, I can be pretty impulsive and I knew I had to control my impulses in order to clear my mind.

Keep in mind, I don’t think sex is bad, it’s just that for me, sex was a distraction. Sex was a crutch. I was using sex as a tool to get some niggas to like me. Sex gotta go. At least for right now.

I think denying yourself of that instant gratification you get from busting a nut clears up a lot of things for you emotionally and mentally.

Now that I am intentionally taking a year long hiatus, I am amazed at the things I’ve accomplished and the clarity I’ve gained in these short 8 weeks. I’m excited about my growth a year from now.


What’s funny is that ever since I’ve declared my celibacy, things instantly started changing around me. First off, I never knew there were so many rules surrounding celibacy. Just because I am celibate doesn’t mean that:

  • I don’t think about sex, because I definitely still do. In fact, I had a flashback the other day that made me wanna — nevermind!
  • My celibacy exploration is me trying to convince YOU to be celibate too. Have enough sex for the both of us if you can, we ain’t all gotta be dry out here like me lol I just hope that you are being safe, intentional, and laying with someone who cares about you.
  • I’m not gone masturbate when and if I please, because I am. I personally believe that bringing myself to orgasm is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done AND it stops me from making terrible decisions, which is the reason why I’m here in the first place lol.

In true Kia fashion, I like to go on journeys in my own special way.


Understand this: just because I am single and celibate now does not that I don’t want that romantic love, because I definitely do. But this time around it HAS to be healthy. I want a love where I don’t have endure suffering first, and those desires start with me. Searching for those things through sex ain’t it and hopping from person to person ain’t it either it. Remember ya’ll, I don’t think sex is bad I am just in a space where I have to be more discerning and careful with it. Plus, piece of mind and clarity are better, right?

As much time and energy I’ve spent these last 11 years pleasing others, it’s time to pour that into me. And while I don’t expect this journey to be easy, I do know that it will be worth it.

Send me some good luck and good vibes as I try this thang out!

Love,

Kia


Here’s some questions I posed to my Instagram followers a couple days ago. Feel free to answer in the comments below:

  • Have you ever been celibate?
  • If you are currently celibate, what influenced you to do it?
  • What’s the longest you’ve been without sex?
  • If you’ve never been celibate, what’s stopping you?
  • Do you think there is a difference between being celibate and just not having someone to have sex with?
  • What have you learned about yourself in your time of celibacy?
  • What advice would you give someone who is currently practicing or thinking about practicing celibacy?

I Choose To Be Powerful

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I’ve been through some things that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but I no longer want to be a victim of my experiences.

Say that out loud to yourself:

“I no longer want to be a victim of my experiences.”

Sometimes you have to randomly talk out loud to yourself about all that you’ve been through. It’s a strange exercise to some, but to me its quite liberating and allows you to sort through whatever is going on inside your head.

Ever since I wrote my post How Do I Get My Magic Back?  So many have reached out to me and commended me for telling a bit of my story, but also mentioned how they could never be so brave because they are ashamed of what has happened to them.

I am grateful to be a vessel for many, but I also want those same people to know that you don’t have to live in shame.

To be powerful is a choice you make each day, over and over again.

For me, choosing to be powerful came about in a few different ways.

#1) I acknowledge what I went through. 

Key word being went, which means I already overcame it. Which means I will likely NEVER got through it again.

#2) I move forward. 

Yes, I’ve been through some terrible things. But I don’t have to stay in that space. I don’t have to dwell on it. I will simply acknowledge my feelings about it, validate them and move forward.

#3) I choose to let my experiences empower me.

I know that I am a complex young woman but you know what? I wouldn’t wanna be anybody else except me. I got one hell of a story to tell. I have no reason to be ashamed of who I am, and neither do you. Of course, you don’t have to be like me and tell some of your business in a blog post, but you do owe it to yourself to do the work and overcome that shame and fear.

It is what it is.

You are who you are.

You were wonderfully created with unique life experiences for a reason.

Choose power.

Choose you.

 

Love,

Kia

Write Yourself A Love Letter Challenge

Write

Hey everyone!  I know it has been a while and I honestly have so much to share with you all but before I get into all that, I come to you all with a challenge.

Often on social media, I notice how easy it is to compare ourselves to others. It has always amazed me how easy it is for us to to make our lives seem so perfect on the camera.

How many of us find it hard to be confident in ourselves due to that person on Instagram with the thousands of followers, that girl on Twitter with the pretty hair, or that person on Facebook that is always sharing their success stories?

Though there is nothing wrong with people celebrating and affirming themselves, I know how much of toll that can take on people who may not feel as confident.

You may not feel pretty enough.

You may wonder how that person affords to go on so many trips.

You may wish your body looked as good as someone else’s.

You may wish you were as inspirational, funny, wise and witty like your social media faves.

 

I get it. We’ve all been there before. Hell, I have even been there before.

Therefore I have a challenge.

Why not celebrate you?

Why not affirm yourself instead of pointing out your flaws?

Why not share with the world what makes you so great?

Why not…. write yourself a love letter?

You heard (well, read LOL) me right.

This challenge is an idea I came up with so I could help people have healthy perceptions of themselves using social media. As I stated above, social media sometimes distorts our view of other people’s lives and may cause us to doubt ourselves. While constantly looking at the lives of other people, we may begin to question ourselves and point out our flaws.

In my opinion, that’s not healthy. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others because you don’t know what another person is going through to achieve a lifestyle that looks good on camera.

Also… no one else is YOU, and that fact alone is exactly what makes YOU so great.

If you kept reading this far, I’m sure you’re wondering..

HOW CAN I PARTICIPATE?

It’s super simple. All you would need is.

A pen, pencil, crayon, or anything else you use to write with.

A piece of paper or whatever you use to write on.

Now here’s where things get interesting.

You can either TWEET a love letter about you using the hashtag #WriteYourselfALoveLetter

You can use a mirror and record yourself reciting your love letter on either YouTube or Twitter or Instagram. Or even Periscope if you use that. Please use the hashtag #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge

You can choose your favorite picture (preferably a selfie) of yourself or a collage of pictures of you and post it to Instagram or Facebook, and copy your love letter in the caption.

Whatever you choose to do, please remember to link back to my blog. With your permission, I will post your love letter to yourself on my blog weekly or bi-weekly.

I will post my own love letter to myself, which will be dropping very soon… *winks*

This challenge is open to everyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality, etc. There is no time limit on this challenge, and the only rule to remember is that this challenge is to promote positivity, self-love, and healthy perceptions of yourself. No negativity, no pointing out your short-comings… Just all love.

Happy love letter writing everyone! I can’t wait to read you all’s letters..

 

What My Exes Taught Me

A conversation with one of my sisters about ex-boyfriends and loving yourself first has me thinking a lot on everything I’ve been through with the opposite sex. Though I’ve had many heartbreaking moments, I’ve had many hilarious ones as well. Sometimes I think my love life or (lack thereof) is a television sitcom or reality show with everything that goes on. One thing I can say for sure is that I don’t regret any relationship or situationship (Ok, maybe that ONE) I’ve ever been in because I learned something.

Before I take ya’ll down memory lane, here are a few #MajorKeys about my love lessons:

  1. If you try to love someone more than you love yourself it will always end in disaster.
  2. Being single is not the end of the world, it’s just a time to figure yourself out AND what you want in a partner.
  3. Some men are simply just bored. A man truly interested in you will act way different than a bored man.

 

With that being said, here’s what my exes taught me:

Middle School Love Lessons

I debated if I was going to add middle school dating because who really takes relationships serious at 11-13?

Well apparently, I did.

5th or 6th grade brought me my first boyfriend and not much happened except I received my first of many kisses and that two months after going together, dude left me for my “bestfriend.”

I guess that’s what I get for dating the popular guy in school huh?

I remember feeling embarrassed and insecure about myself because I was very self conscious about my looks and body. I remember being pissed he and my friend betrayed me in such a way, I guess you could say I was heartbroken.

Lesson here: You can manipulate yourself into being any type of woman a guy wants you to be, but at the end of the day he will do whatever he wants to do. You might as well just be YOU. Also, I learned I should pick better best friends.

In 7th grade, I met a guy that was a much better fit for me than my ex, the problem was that a few months into our relationship (we dated the whole school year up until he graduated 8th grade) I began to become uninterested in him. He was very nice and sweet to me (I recall us telling each other that we loved one another) but I also wanted to be single again, especially since he was going to high school before me.

Lesson here: Sometimes you outgrow people no matter how good they are to you. And that’s OK.

High School Love Lessons

Everybody wanted a high school sweetheart and I sure I would be apart of that.

A girl can dream, right?

My first high school relationship was with a guy that I should’ve left in the park I met him at LOL. What’s worse is that I used to LOVE that boy with EVERY cell in my body. I wanted to marry him, have his babies, the whole nine yards. Unfortunately, he had a problem with staying faithful and I had a problem seeing that I was too young, intelligent, and beautiful to deal with that foolery.

Lesson here:  First of all, life is too short to wait on a guy to act right. Second of all, your body is yours and yours only, if you don’t feel comfortable doing something don’t be afraid to say no. Lastly, I learned that you should never get caught up in the potential of someone. You literally cannot force someone to change, they have to want to do it themselves. And another thing, abuse comes in MANY different forms, not just physical. Educate yourself on the signs and decide if you want to put up with it. If you’re anything like me, you probably don’t.

My second boyfriend in high school came from after months of being single and deciding I would give love another shot. Not much happened in this relationship except that he was real messy and girls liked to play on my phone asking me about him LOL. Eventually I ended it after three months of dating, because I was bored with where things were going AND I was tired of getting confronted by different girls 24/7.

Lesson here: Give yourself time to grieve a bad breakup and just because you’ve known someone for a long time doesn’t mean you NEED to get into a relationship with them!

My third relationship in high school was interesting. This relationship was probably one I should’ve never pursued either, but you live and you learn right?

What started off as sweet and promising ended up leaving us both bitter and angry, I suppose. I won’t blame everything on him though, because he was a young man that was brought up never to express his emotions, and the only ones he WAS allowed to express were the anger and rage. Our arguments were over the top and unnecessary, but we stayed with one another because we felt like we needed each other. It was no longer love between us, but dependency. When he and I both turned 17, he began to change, to find himself I suppose. We started growing apart and I began to cling more. But when I started not to feel him anymore, he began to cling to me. It was a very toxic cycle.

Lesson here: If a person does not love themselves, they cannot truly love you.

After those relationships, I stayed “single” throughout the rest of high school. In high school, I also got into the first of many situationships. I went on dates and talked to a plethora of dudes but had no one to call my own though I could have had another boyfriend if I wanted to. I think I settled for situationships because I just wanted to HAVE somebody, without the headache of HAVING somebody, if that makes sense. Needless to say, I’m a serial monogamist who didn’t like being alone.

Lesson here: Just because you’re having sex with someone doesn’t guarantee you a relationship. Also, if a relationship is something you want, then stop settling to be someone’s sexual conquest and hold out. Lastly, being single isn’t the end of the world.

College Love Lessons

College is the place of hookup culture with a person like me who just wanted love like Whitley Gilbert and Dwayne Wayne.

My first college boyfriend was a situationship turned relationship. Dude was cool, but he was very controlling and didn’t like the fact that I was learning so many things and getting so many new ideas, you know GROWING as a person like you’re supposed to do when you go off to school. Something I noticed about the controlling and the manipulative types is that they always prey on the most vulnerable and with me having semi-low self esteem + a mix of personal issues I was an easy target. I got tricked into thinking I needed him cuz I went through a period where I thought no one would want me except for him. It wasn’t until I cheated on him that I figured out I didn’t. Call me what you want for cheating, but I eventually ended it because I couldn’t take it anymore.

Lesson here: As you journey through life, everyone is not meant to take the ride with you, not even the ones you thought you would love forever. Also, most of the men I dealt with respected me as long as they were able to have me. Once I wasn’t “theirs” anymore, I was disrespected just like any other woman. Lastly, it takes TWO people to ruin a relationship. Instead of cheating on dude, I should’ve just ended it.

Prior to getting with my college boyfriend, I was in another super messy situationship. Basically, dude lived a double life and somehow, I became a side chick LOL. I didn’t love him, but I did love his companionship and he was a pretty cool guy, just a habitual liar who used me.

Lesson here: Listen to your intuition girl. You are usually not wrong. I knew something may have been fishy about him, but instead of listening to myself I continued to let him into my space mentally, physically, and emotionally. Next thing you know, I’m looked at as a homewrecker LOL.

My last college relationship is still a complicated work in progress…. I say this because this person is someone I was with for the last two years but no matter how hard we try(ied), we just can’t get it right. It’s evident that we love and care deeply for one another, but sometimes two people need to work on themselves before they can work together. Like I said, this breakup is fresh so out of respect I won’t go into detail (mostly because he’ll read this) but here’s what I learned from him:

  • If I don’t love me, I can’t love you.
  • The words you say to people are important. Use them to uplift, not tear down.
  • Communication is key.
  • Situationships are stupid if a real relationship is what you want.
  • We say we want honesty, but its the truth that really hurts.
  • Again, situationships are incredibly stupid.
  • Sometimes you may be better off as friends.

 

With that being said, I’m grateful that I learned these things from my exes. While many situations were hurtful, I have learned that you can’t force love out of people. I’ve learned that everyone has baggage, you just need to figure out which baggage is worth unpacking. And lastly, I’ve learned to work on me first, put me first and love me first before anyone else.

 

What lessons have your past relationships taught you?

Journey 2 Self Love Part 2: #StopSettling2015

Confession: Realizing that I am afraid to be by myself, I tend to settle for situations just to say I have someone. 

I used to harshly judge people who fell into the same old bad habits until I realized how easy it was, especially for me. One of my bad habits is settling, or not staying true to myself in order to say I have someone. Recently, I learned a quote that said “Indecisiveness is a decision” and I have two different stories with the same outcome that illustrate just how true that quote is.

Story 1

So. There was this guy who I was REALLY interested in. He was everything I thought I wanted at that moment. When he and I first started “talking”, it was clear that HE didn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment. However, WE carried on like people in relationships do. We had this absurd agreement that we wouldn’t have sex with anyone else, but there was still no commitment.

Deep down inside, I KNEW I wanted to be in a relationship, but again HE wasn’t about that life quite yet. HE said he wanted to become more stable financially (among other things) and I looked at that as an excuse. Nonetheless, I agreed to our little agreement, knowing that my heart wasn’t in it. The sex was phenomenal, and I simply did not like anyone else, (well…. like them enough to have sex with them) and most importantly, I wanted to keep him around because I did not want to be by myself.

Story 2

Then, there was this other guy. I liked him a LOT, and on top of me liking him, we were super cool and really close. Like the guy in the first story, he didn’t want a  relationship either, but not just with me, ANY girl for that matter.

I also didn’t care, LOL.

All that mattered to me was that I wanted him, so we eventually developed a sexual relationship. I thought if I gave him my time, affection, and overall genuine support that it would change his stance on settling down, but to my disappointment, it didn’t.

I was crushed.

However, there is another side of me that is extremely logical, so I was well aware of the reality. He actually very vocal about his wants, I just have a tendency not to listen to people when their wants don’t align with what I want.

Despite me knowing all that, I still made myself available to him, once again settling.

How I should have handled BOTH situations:

It’s all so simple.

Instead of wasting my time and energy by settling, I should have just removed myself from both respective situations and stayed patient for what I really wanted, which was a relationship.

Some people wonder why a title is so important to me. It’s not the title that’s important to me, it’s being clear on what we are. No shade to people who are comfortable with carrying on without labels, but I like to know rather than just wonder. Besides, I think it’s absurd to have consistent sex with someone, be there for them emotionally, help them out when they are down on their luck financially, and a host of other things that people in relationships do, yet YOU are uncomfortable with calling me your girlfriend.

So, why is it so hard NOT to settle?

Settling comes from both a mix of fear and impatience. I admitted that I have a fear of being alone, and on top of that, I am a VERY impatient person. My impatience is a personality trait that has lead to disaster in pretty much every area of my life. Settling comes from not knowing your worth, and letting the fear of being alone cripple you so much that you’d rather have anyone than no one, even when you know they aren’t good for you,

But now that’s its 2015, I realized that that settling shit is for the birds.

Sometimes you have to go through things numerous times to learn a lesson, and this may not be the last time I have to learn this lesson (Though I pray that it is) but I did learn a few things along the way:

1. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to allow myself to become someone’s plaything.

2. To piggy back off number one, I realized I am NOT anyone’s “something-to-do” when there is nothing to do.

3. When someone TELLS you what they want and you don’t agree with it, don’t try to change them. They are stuck in their ways, so leave their asses alone. 

4. Most importantly: Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean you NEED to be in a relationship with them. In order to stop unnecessary soul ties, you gotta STOP SETTLING. 

***Bonus: Stop giving so much of myself to people who simply do not deserve it, it’s disrespectful to my well-being. 

Moral of the story, I HAVE to be good to myself… and really stop settling.

Stay tuned for Part 3.

Journey 2 Self Love Part 1: When You Realize Certain Lifestyles Just Ain’t For You

Confession: I HATE being alone.

As I start on this journey to love myself, I find myself wondering when did I stop. Growing up, I thought I had pretty high self esteem, but as time went on, I realized I unfortunately didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, my self-esteem issues don’t reside in how I feel about myself physically.

According to other people, I wasn’t the most attractive child, but I was always intelligent and I eventually grew into my looks. I have my fair share of male attention here and there, so I knew I wasn’t as ugly as kids made me seem as I was growing up.

So as I think and think, I’ll go with the year of 2011 as when I began an unhealthy cycle of not loving myself.

That year, I was in a relationship with someone who turned out to be not such a good person for me. For some reason, I was conditioned to believe that relationships had to be super serious.

Problem is, I was only 16/17.

(*I did everything too early, but I think I learned early too.*)

Anyways. Now that I’m older, I realized that you can’t expect the world from someone who isn’t even a high school graduate yet. LOL.

Moving on….

I turned 17 that year, and my ex also did, actually a few days before me.

I noticed that his behavior started to change, and things just weren’t the same between us. We were arguing more, spent less time together, and just didn’t click like we used to. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when our little one year anniversary came up, he decided that he wanted to kick it with his friends instead of spend the entire day with me.

Around the time all that was happening, I met another guy and instead of addressing the issue between my ex and I, I decided to cheat.

Eventually, my ex and I broke up but ever since then, I have never truly been by myself or truly single.

I began to hop from one dude to the next, refusing to acknowledge that there was a void that needed to be filled.

Then one day I realized…. I’m just not about that life anymore.

I’ll be the first to admit that the life I used to live was fun in the beginning.

Having a plethora of attention from multiple people is exciting, especially if you’ve been through a bad breakup. That attention gives you a well needed boost of confidence that may have been lost during heart break.

And honestly, I had a lot of perks that came from dealing with multiple guys, such as:

  • I had one guy that took me out on dates
  • One guy fulfilled my physical needs
  • One guy fulfilled my emotional needs
  • One guy bought me anything I wanted, whether I asked (which I rarely did) or not

The list goes on.

But all good things come to an end, and after a while, things tend to get exhausting.

Playing games with multiple people and dealing with different attitudes, spirits, personalities, AND soul ties is mentally draining!

I confirmed that I was no longer about that life when I realized that despite allllllllll the attention and material things I received from, I was still at home by myself every single night with no real connection to anyone because no one took me serious.

Which meant that my void was still not getting fulfilled.

And if my void wasn’t getting fulfilled, then I figured that me entertaining all those dudes was pointless.

I felt empty. And that’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy; but I couldn’t stop.

People often say that the best way to get over one person is to get up under another one, but I disagree.

If you’re constantly hopping from one person to the next, what issues are you conquering?

You’re not. You’re avoiding, and that is something I am extremely guilty of.

I’m sure there are plenty of men and women who ENJOY dealing with a plethora of people, especially if you’re young. Some say having a roster full is what we’re supposed to do until we are ready to settle down and get married.

And to an extent, I agree.

But what they don’t mention is people who hop from person because they don’t like themselves very much.

What they don’t mention is people who hop from person to person because they fear being alone.

What they don’t mention is people like me.

Too much of one thing turns into an addiction, and I’m addicted to people who distract me from dealing with myself.

So now, I decided to cut the bullshit and start a journey to learn how to love myself.

I’ll admit, it has been off to a rocky start, but the beauty of life is making mistakes and learning from them.

After all, I am my best teacher.

Stay tuned for Part 2.