The Spooky Side of Self-Love

The Spooky Side of

Self-Love. It is a badge of honor to have a lot of this. It is said to be the greatest type of love to have, that when you love yourself— I mean ALL of yourself, your confidence level is on 1,000. You’re always aware of what you be doing. You set and maintain boundaries, you cut off any dead weight or toxic person that brings more pain than peace. And all of these things are true, because in the name of self-love, we deserve to reach our best selves daily. In spite of flaws. In spite of the messages we have internalized about ourselves. In spite of the fuck shit we do to ourselves.

As an unofficial self-love coach, I want y’all to understand this one thing about me: I still struggle with this shit too. I still struggle with not only acknowledging my flaws but holding myself accountable about them too. I struggle with the ways I treat my mind, body, and spirit when I don’t FEEL like loving myself, cuz that’s a real thing.

Truth be told, I think self-love has a deep and scary side to it, it’s not all shits and giggles at all. You simultaneously need to know how to thrive in both the light and the darkness to be your best self.

In self-love, we speak a lot on letting go of toxic people and things, but what if I told you that YOU are the toxic person that you need to let go? Then what?

What if I told you that YOU are the reason for your self sabotage?

What if I told you that you’re the one that’s actually addicted to chaos and it’s not the other way around?

What if I told you that when you ignore the signs your mind, body, and spirit is telling you, you’re the reason for your own self destruction?

What if I told you that the reason why we don’t really wanna dive into the dark side of self love is because not only is the shit scary, it’s lonely too?

And nobody likes to be lonely. Nobody likes to be misunderstood. As individualistic as we are, we still want to feel connected to our friends and family. No one likes to be SEEN as an other, I don’t care what anyone says.

Other spooky sides of self-love include:

Falling Apart To Get Back Together

The metamorphosis process is painful. It has literally felt like my heart was breaking or my literally skin was shedding. It hurts seeing the old you go. Cuz now you have to get to know this “new” person (who isn’t REALLY new, they were always inside of you, they just had to be manifested and nurtured) and the new person you are may seem a bit unfamiliar to you. It’s like you are constantly reintroducing yourself to your family, friends, coworkers, etc. Each time you discover something new about yourself you then have to either build upon who you already are or completely start over.

Accountability

I think this is the scariest part for ME. It’s like you get to the point where you can name all your problems and you’re super self aware but then what? Accountability is spooky AF because it actually forces you to do shit. We want all our problems to solve themselves but we know we can’t truly grow if we don’t put that work in.

Sometimes We Don’t Want To Put The Work In

Speaking of work, we know that doing the work of self-love is… exhausting to say the least. Sometimes I don’t wanna be self-aware. Sometimes I wanna give in to my toxic desires. Sometimes I wanna ignore my intuition. Its a lot of work to love yourself, no matter how worth it, it is.

 

Moral of the story, yeah self-love is spooky… but like Will Smith once said, everything we want is on the other side of fear.


Questions that need answers

  1. What areas do you struggle in when it comes to self-love?
  2. Is it okay to desire certain things from certain people yet NOT act on them?
  3. What scares you the most when it comes to self-love?
  4. How are you pushing past that fear anyway?
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Work While You Wait

working while you wait

I wake up in the morning to notifications of my account being overdrawn on top of a $34 fee being added as if I have the actual money in my account to pay them + the amount of what was overdrawn. ( @ Banks, specifically @ChaseBank, why do ya’ll do that dumb ass shit?)

I shake my head in disgust, because I’m not sure what the fuck my life has come to. Over the past year, I’ve been underemployed and at the current moment of writing this, I am unemployed. While it has not been this way for long, I will say this: it is expensive as hell to be broke. Although Twitter has said that we shouldn’t call ourselves broke, it is simply what I am.

Broke as in not having it.

As in can’t afford to pay my rent on time cuz ain’t no income coming in.

As in having to spend money I don’t have on transportation.

As in can’t afford to go on trips with my friends because ain’t no extra money.

As in when I do get money, it has to go to bills, rent, and other important miscellaneous items. (Which reminds me, why is it that when you’re in a financial struggle, the wildest, most random shit goes wrong?)

This constant cycle has been draining to say the least.

Job app after the job app. Interview after interview…. and thus far, nothing.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been wondering how my usually positive ass is supposed to stay positive in a time like this? This shit is HARD as FUCK! My anxiety has been through the roof every other week and I’m starting to think it’s unhealthy for me to go through as many emotions as I do in a day. The crazy part about it is that this isn’t my first go-round with not having a stable paycheck. I’ve been unemployed a few times before, but this time just feels different. Being broke in college is normal because even if you don’t have a stable job you at least get a refund check every semester which can pay your rent up for 6 months and then you receive another one for the next 6 months.

But being financially unstable as an adult? Without the safety net of college?

Yeah, this shit feels different. And not a good different. Different as in post-grad depression creeps back in, different as in feeling like you haven’t mastered being an adult yet, different like you’re the odd one out when most of your friends make more money than you.

As I said, staying my positive self has been hard as hell these last few weeks… some days I didn’t want to get out the bed but if I stayed in the house, I would let my anxious thoughts take over and find myself in a crying fit, stressed as hell about my situation. When I was working at the school last year, I was forced to learn how to budget, start a little savings, etc. But I don’t care what the financial experts say, it’s hard as hell to keep that going when you don’t have a lot to begin with in the first place. Every day since I have been back on the job hunt, I’ve asked myself what is a girl supposed to do?

Then the message came loud and clear: WORK WHILE YOU WAIT.

So as we all know, my optimistic and pessimistic side are constantly at war with each other, so at first I’m like… well how the hell am I supposed to do that?  

Then I thought about the very thing that has kept me going…. this blog! This blog that I have had the pleasure of refining, rebranding, pouring my heart into for the last 6 years, is MY WORK.

My self-love workshop that I recently got paid to host, IS MY WORK.

Becoming the best version of myself each day, IS MY WORK.

The work I do for Culture, IS MY WORK.

The work I do for Live Young, IS MY WORK.

I have been working all this time, but have been too fixated on the negativity that I couldn’t see that everything I need is already in front of me.

You have to work while you wait.

Even if that means not having a stable place to clock in yet.

I have always said that I want to be able to be a full time blogger one day. Imagine me realizing that this unemployed period is merely just practice for me. I’m not a full time entrepreneur yet, but I have observed enough in my life to know that every day is not going to be a day where you make money. Entrepreneurship is up and down and that’s okay. It’s what you do during the waiting period that matters. For me this looks like:

Waking up early (I’m up at least by 6AM everyday)

Checking my emails.

Working on my marketing plan for #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge (cuz look, if I can get paid for it once then that means I can get paid for it again and again) 

Running errands.

Write, write, write.

Scheduling social media posts and designing campaign strategies. 

Promoting my work.

Resting, (I don’t have to be on go mode all the time.)

Filling out job apps. 

Reaching out to mentors. 

The list really goes on.

Maybe you’re in the same predicament as me: underemployed or unemployed and waiting on something stable to come through. You may find yourself feeling down and out about this, and you know what? That’s okay. This is normal. But don’t DWELL there.

I want you to think about what you’re good at… What projects have you been putting off? What self-work have you been neglecting? What are ways that you can get this money outside of a job? (legally, lol) What updates need to be made to your resume?

One day last week for two days straight I found myself in a crying fit, stressed about my situation. The next day I got my ass up and went back to work. Allow yourself to feel what you feel but I beg you not to stay there. Find you some positive affirmations and repeat them to yourself until you start to believe them.

Most importantly, don’t forget to work while you wait. Something will come through and understand that the work you do now sets up the alignment for that. Sending love and light to  all those who are going through a tough financial time right now.

Love,

Kia giphy

P.S. If you liked this post and felt inspired by it… click these ads on my page lol or send a love offering to my Cash App $KiaSmithWrites.