The Spooky Side of Self-Love

The Spooky Side of

Self-Love. It is a badge of honor to have a lot of this. It is said to be the greatest type of love to have, that when you love yourself— I mean ALL of yourself, your confidence level is on 1,000. You’re always aware of what you be doing. You set and maintain boundaries, you cut off any dead weight or toxic person that brings more pain than peace. And all of these things are true, because in the name of self-love, we deserve to reach our best selves daily. In spite of flaws. In spite of the messages we have internalized about ourselves. In spite of the fuck shit we do to ourselves.

As an unofficial self-love coach, I want y’all to understand this one thing about me: I still struggle with this shit too. I still struggle with not only acknowledging my flaws but holding myself accountable about them too. I struggle with the ways I treat my mind, body, and spirit when I don’t FEEL like loving myself, cuz that’s a real thing.

Truth be told, I think self-love has a deep and scary side to it, it’s not all shits and giggles at all. You simultaneously need to know how to thrive in both the light and the darkness to be your best self.

In self-love, we speak a lot on letting go of toxic people and things, but what if I told you that YOU are the toxic person that you need to let go? Then what?

What if I told you that YOU are the reason for your self sabotage?

What if I told you that you’re the one that’s actually addicted to chaos and it’s not the other way around?

What if I told you that when you ignore the signs your mind, body, and spirit is telling you, you’re the reason for your own self destruction?

What if I told you that the reason why we don’t really wanna dive into the dark side of self love is because not only is the shit scary, it’s lonely too?

And nobody likes to be lonely. Nobody likes to be misunderstood. As individualistic as we are, we still want to feel connected to our friends and family. No one likes to be SEEN as an other, I don’t care what anyone says.

Other spooky sides of self-love include:

Falling Apart To Get Back Together

The metamorphosis process is painful. It has literally felt like my heart was breaking or my literally skin was shedding. It hurts seeing the old you go. Cuz now you have to get to know this “new” person (who isn’t REALLY new, they were always inside of you, they just had to be manifested and nurtured) and the new person you are may seem a bit unfamiliar to you. It’s like you are constantly reintroducing yourself to your family, friends, coworkers, etc. Each time you discover something new about yourself you then have to either build upon who you already are or completely start over.

Accountability

I think this is the scariest part for ME. It’s like you get to the point where you can name all your problems and you’re super self aware but then what? Accountability is spooky AF because it actually forces you to do shit. We want all our problems to solve themselves but we know we can’t truly grow if we don’t put that work in.

Sometimes We Don’t Want To Put The Work In

Speaking of work, we know that doing the work of self-love is… exhausting to say the least. Sometimes I don’t wanna be self-aware. Sometimes I wanna give in to my toxic desires. Sometimes I wanna ignore my intuition. Its a lot of work to love yourself, no matter how worth it, it is.

 

Moral of the story, yeah self-love is spooky… but like Will Smith once said, everything we want is on the other side of fear.


Questions that need answers

  1. What areas do you struggle in when it comes to self-love?
  2. Is it okay to desire certain things from certain people yet NOT act on them?
  3. What scares you the most when it comes to self-love?
  4. How are you pushing past that fear anyway?
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Ghosts and Goblins

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“I’m sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you or anyone around you….” is how a recent text from a guy that ghosted me last year popped up.

I was flabbergasted. One reason was because I never expected to hear from him again and then, considering the type of guy that he is (or rather portrays himself to be) I definitely did not expect an apology…. even if it was generic.

But this isn’t about him or the shenanigans of Venus being in retrograde. 

Let’s talk about Ghosting. The thing that most people do, but everybody hates.

Gho-sting ɡōstiNG/ noun: Per my definition, ghosting is when you build a personal connection with a mf and then boom: out of nowhere things change and this person disappears into thin air. They don’t return calls, texts, and if you happen to live in the same city with them; you don’t see them…. like at ALL. Even if you purposely go to the same places they go or even pop up at their house. 

Needless to say, no matter what your reaction to being ghosted might be, the shit hurts. Like bad. But why does it hurt so much?

Consider Your Attachment Style

If you’re anything like me, it may take you a moment to open up to others, especially romantically. I think the more time you spend talking, building, dating, fucking — whatever, with someone your walls soften and you get used to a routine. When that routine is interrupted, it just feels weird. Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes getting ghosted can feel like you lost a piece of you and now you have to figure out who you are again before you even met this person and started a routine with them. Understanding that all relationships and friendships don’t last forever, but damn, who knew they’d be so temporary too? Our attachment styles have a lot to do with why we react so seriously when we get ghosted. Did we have a healthy attachment to that person? Or were we feeding a co-dependency issue that we have?

Ghosting Is Just Rude AF

Another reason why ghosting hurts so much is because its just RUDE AF! Some people feel like ghosting others is okay because not everyone deserves to know why you stopped fucking with them. That’s cool, but what if that SAME energy was returned back to you? However, I do think we take it so hard because our egos get bruised. We think we are such great people that we are untouchable when it comes to the nuances of developing close relationships with others. Aside from bruised egos, ghosting is rude as fuck because of how cowardly and childish it is. It’s okay to have changed feelings, but damn… can we exhibit some emotional maturity and just communicate?

If Someone Ghosts You, It’s Not Your Fault

Probably the worst part about getting ghosted (aside from generic ass apologies after the fact) is all the self-doubt that comes creeping up. You begin to question yourself like was I not good enough? Was I far more invested in this thing than they were? What is it about my personality that made them tired of me? Do I need to change something about myself so this never happens to me again?  Soooo many self-defeating thoughts, and if you already have low self esteem, then getting ghosted makes it worse. I have learned and I want you to understand that if someone ghosts you, it’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

For crying out loud, it is not your fault if someone ghosts YOU. 

We cannot control grown ass people (no matter how much we deeply desire to) nor their actions. It is not your fault if people wake up one day and decide to walk out your life, let them do it…. you’re the prize anyway.

What If I’m The One That Ghosted Somebody?

I have been that person too. And we ain’t shit for doing it. I remember I ghosted this really sweet guy and to this day he never treated me ill because of it, which makes me feel even worse for doing it. At that time in my life, I lacked a lot of emotional maturity and refused to learn how to communicate through my shit.

Still, it’s no excuse.

As I said earlier, it’s okay if you wake up one day and no longer have the same feelings toward someone and it’s okay if you no longer want to be in their life. But it’s HOW you walk out their life that matters and as I’ve said, to do so with no word or explanation is just rude AF, G.

Is There Ever A Situation Where It’s “OK” To Ghost Someone?

I’m still trying to figure this one out myself, because I know each case is different. Like one time, I was having casual sex with a guy and found out that the dick was trash…. so I ghosted him. He wasn’t trying to be my boyfriend and I wasn’t trying to be his girlfriend so to be honest, I don’t even think he noticed that I was gone lol.

In other cases, I do understand that sometimes you have to leave somebody exactly where they have you fucked up at. No explanation, especially when you’ve tried to communicate your feelings and they simply didn’t listen. I know people who have ghosted because of that.

Instead of finding situations where it’s okay to ghost someone, can we put that energy into oh Idk…. being comfortable with being vulnerable and actually TALKING about what goes on? Like, we can’t be childish forever. Use your words.

The Person Who Ghosted Me Has Apologized… Now What?

Shit….. don’t fall for it sis! Lol.

Y’all remember how on Insecure, Nathan ghosted Issa for a month and then tried to walk his yellow ass to her house with some flowers on her birthday? Like everything was all good? Whew chile, thank God for Molly intercepting because that could’ve taken a turn for the worse. That’s how I felt when that dude from last year texted me apologizing this weekend. Where was this energy last year? But I digress.

Understand that you don’t have to do anything. Not even wanna accept it if you don’t want to. You can actually pretend that the person doesn’t exist, cuz that’s how they did you when they ghosted you. (I’m a little petty, I know.)

Moral of the story

We all go through shit. Doesn’t mean you have to ghost anybody.

We all get ghosted. Stop blaming yourself, its not your fault.

Communicate, it makes things easier. Work through the issues you have with vulnerability. We all have to grow up some day.

Navigating relationships is scary enough. Let’s not add ghosting to the mix.


Have you ever ghosted someone?

Has someone ever ghosted you? If yes, how did it make you feel? Did your views on building relationships with people change?

How did you get over getting ghosted?

5 Ways Men Can Love Themselves Better

5 Ways Men Can Love Themselves Better

When I did my self-love workshop back in March, a couple of my guy friends came through and I learned something interesting: Men really don’t discuss self-love nor are they taught how to have love for themselves. This self-love phenomenon is primarily preached to women, meanwhile men just kinda slip through the cracks.

That’s not fair to me. I think both men and women need to commit to loving themselves better but the onus always falls on women. Nobody can do the work for you, you have to learn how to do the work yourself.

Here’s 5 ways you can love yourself better, King.

5. Clip Those Nasty Ass Fingernails

I’ll give it to you straight: There is nothing more disgusting than a guy with nasty ass fingernails who always wants to stick his fingers inside of you. CLIP. THOSE. SHITS!

One time I dated a guy who kept his fingernails long so he could break down a blunt better and whew chile, the the yeast infections. While we love men who work with their hands, we also love men who take care of their hands too. Wash them, clip them, hell go get a manicure if you feel so inclined. Nobody has time to be going to the doctor just because you think it’s okay to have backwoods, flamin’ hot, and dirt residue underneath your nails.

Clip yo shit dawg.

4. Do Some Exercise

I’m no fitness guru at all (hell, I wanna cancel my gym membership RIGHT NOW), but I think a great way to show that you love yourself is when you take care of your body. I’ve discovered that not only does working out help with stamina during sex (because let’s be honest, y’all should not be 27 doing the same three positions and finished in 20 minutes) but when you look good….you feel good. Can’t afford a gym membership? No worries! Youtube has a bunch of at home workouts you can do.

Take care of your body King.

3. Be Mindful of What You Consume

And I’m not just talking about food here. Evaluate who’s around you. Evaluate what you are listening to. What are you reading? What messages about life, women, money, self development, etc are being preached to you? How much time do you spend on social media vs the time that you spend with yourself? Your mind is so important, watch what you put in it.

2. Honor Your Emotions

This is tricky territory because most men think that being a man and being emotionally competent just don’t mix. When y’all are allowed to express emotions, society has said that the only ones that are acceptable are anger or violence. I’m here to tell you that it is okay to feel shit. Misogyny and patriarchy has been embedded in all of us to say that when you express yourself, it means that you are soft, you a bitch, or God forbid, you’re gay… *eye roll*

Then you become this sort of robot. You got all these walls built up. You have issues communicating in your partnerships you have with women, because some women (actually, a lot of us) have internalized misogyny and the moment you open up your mouth, some women will accuse you of being over emotional. To me, there’s no such thing as being over emotional but there is such thing as not properly handling your emotions.

I say all this to say: Take the time to self reflect so you can become self aware. I don’t care where you start, just start. After a while, we become too old to chalk up character flaws as “this is just how I am.”

Do the work, even if it’s hard… that’s one of the ways you know you truly love yourself.

1. Get Tested

I am a firm believer that when you truly love yourself, you take care of your body.

I don’t understand that how, in the year of 2018, there are so many men who don’t know their STD status. Is ignorance truly bliss? Every sexually active male on this earth needs to have a standard check up every three months. Even if you are in a monogamous relationship, you AND your partner should be getting tested. For example, does your lady constantly get UTI’s, yeast infections, or BV? Then it HAS to be something about you that’s knocking her PH level off. Go to the doctor bro. I understand that there is a stigma surrounding STD’s and honestly sex education in America is trash but STILL. GO TO THE DOCTOR BRO.

  • WHEN YOU CATCH A NEW BODY, GO.
  • WHEN YOU GO BACK TO AN OLD BODY GO.

Sure, you can use condoms and what not, but to be honest, a lot of y’all don’t AND I’m pretty sure you’re not giving or receiving oral sex with dental dams and condoms on. Or did y’all forget that sexally transmitted infections can get passed orally as well?

Also, it’s not really about the number of sexual partners you have anymore, but it is about the number of risky behaviors you engage in. A lot of men are asymptomatic, which means even if you have something like chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc, the shit won’t show up! You can catch something from a sexual encounter you had with someone three months ago, not know it and pass it on to a new partner three months later.

It is SO important to get tested. At least every three months Kings.

Uninsured? Well look, google the nearest free or reduced public health clinic in your area. I know for a fact that Planned Parenthood services men and some other clinics out here have free testing days.

You know you truly love yourself when you prioritize you and your partner’s sexual health. If you are currently fucking someone who feels a type of way when you ask them to go get tested, that’s a clear sign that you shouldn’t be fucking them.

Moral of the story, go get tested Kings!

 


I hope you all enjoyed my 5 tips but in no way is this list exhaustive! If you have something to add, please comment below!

Love,

Kia ♥

Butterflies and Fireflies

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Aside from wondering where I’ve been, I’m sure the title of this blog post is throwing you off as well LOL.

I know its weird. Bare with me.

This summer, I took a much needed hiatus from creating to work on myself– I mean really work on me.  

Compared to other summers (especially last summer), Summer 2018 wasn’t as bad as I slightly anticipated it to be. My summers are always humbling and while I of course had my normal bout of the broke-ass-millennial blues, these last three months were filled with laughter, love, and lots of twerking of course.

Around the last two weeks of July, a shift happened. Some may say it’s because all the planets went into retrograde but even if you aren’t into astrology, you can’t deny that the latter half of this summer (may have) shifted something inside you, too.

Ironically, it was the falling out with a lover of mine that helped me start this process of becoming my best self. A process that in the past, that I either avoided or simply put off time and time again. I decided that before I would point the fingers at anyone else, I would first start putting a mirror on my own self.

I’m not sure why the hell I would do that, because boyyyyyy did I learn some shit about myself that I didn’t like!

I’ve always been naturally self-reflective, but the past six weeks have been mind-boggling. I learned that not only do I possess toxic tendencies but I also have unresolved trauma just like everyone else.

Shocking right?!

I spent all of August going through lots of learning and unlearning a bunch of different shit. This process was similar to the transformation process that a caterpillar goes through to become a beautiful butterfly.

While it seems effortless, I’m here to say that transforming yourself is hard. It’s hard secluding yourself for days and weeks at a time. It’s hard having difficult convos with the ones you love. It’s hard creating, sticking to, and maintaining boundaries. It’s hard to call yourself out on your own shit.

But I did it. And I’m still doing it.

In July, I was finally able to write about a traumatic situation that happened last year. Not publicly on this blog, but within the pages of my journal, which was a difficult task. But on the anniversary of the situation, I wrote. I talked about it with loved ones. I was able to acknowledge my feelings about it and for once, I didn’t suppress my emotions. This is HUGE for me!

From then, I decided that August was a month of becoming better: I was focused on releasing, resetting, unlearning shit, speaking up, taking accountability for my own part in shit, being intentional, healing, expanding my mind, getting out my comfort zone, getting out my own way, resting, and finding ways to develop better habits.

Aside from journaling in my mental health journal (a journal I made strictly for the things I think, revelations about my healing process, etc) I also have been reading two books: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and The Universe Has Your Back. I got these from my local library but y’all can find them on Amazon or whatever.

None of this happened overnight and a lot of this is still a work in progress. But for once, I’m genuinely proud of myself for the changes I’ve been making. I never felt this way about myself before. It’s like I’m rooting for myself even when shit isn’t going my way. I FEEL like a different person and to be honest y’all….. it’s such a great feeling.

Of course though, my life is merely just a rollercoaster ride lol. It’s been moments where I’ve felt totally stuck and confused, it’s been moments where I’ve known exactly what to do and when to do it.

September is finally here and I’m most excited that I have inspiration to write again. Not only that, I’m excited about the things I’ve decided to focus on. While continuing the work that started six weeks ago, I recently tweeted that September is also about:

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It is so important for me to not only pray on these things but also put the work behind it.

Things ain’t perfect but they don’t have to be when you are truly doing the work.

I am allowing myself to transform into the butterfly that I know I am, while maintaining hope like the fireflies of the world symbolize.

If that’s not something worth celebrating, then I don’t know what is.

XOXOXO,

Kia giphy.gif

How To Keep A Man

How To Keep A

If you look at any piece of media, you will see countless of tv shows, think pieces and books written by “relationship experts” who tell women all day long about what we can do to keep a grown ass man. Our tasks include but are not limited to: cooking, cleaning, fucking him on demand and being softer, smaller, and quieter for a man that will probably  likely STILL cheat on you/leave you anyway in spite of you doing all that!

It’s comical because I myself and many people I know once adhered to those unrealistic standards of womanhood and losing ourselves in the process. Have ya’ll ever wondered why it ain’t no books, movies or tv shows out here telling men how to treat women?

Nope, of course not because they don’t exist lol.

Yet somehow, the responsibility of having a successful relationship and keeping a man is ALWAYS placed on us. When things go sour due to infidelity, women are taught to ALWAYS look at ourselves first instead of holding these men accountable.

If we are going to talk about “keeping a man” then the conversation needs to shift from what women should or should not do and more about how a relationship takes an equal amount of work. We need to talk about how everybody has choices and free will and how you simply cannot “keep” someone who doesn’t want to be “kept.”

If there is anything I want women to stop doing, it is for us to stop crouching and contorting and dimming our own light just to please these men.

A hard lesson to learn is that you can’t love someone into loving you.

You can try, but at the end of the day you may be left empty and when has it ever been cool to have your loyalty make you look foolish?

When a man wants you, you will know. You won’t have to conform yourself and perform magic tricks just to keep him around.

So sorry if you read this post in hopes that I would be giving out the keys to successful relationships.

The only secret to keeping a man is simply his desire to be kept.

You Deserve More

An ode to the women in love with those who don’t appreciate them.

You deserve better Ma.

Beautiful girl, beautiful woman, don’t you think you deserve more?

More than those late night phone calls that require you to wake up out your slumber to accommodate someone coming to you like a thief in the night.

You deserve more.

More than being treated like a secret, only seen at night and never in the day.

Beautiful girl, beautiful woman, don’t you think you deserve more?

More than empty promises and lies and tears. Temporary pain shouldn’t last for years.

You deserve more.

The dates, the smiles, the gifts, and the I-love-you’s… Your days should be filled with joy, not the blues.

You deserve more.

When you ask him how he feels….

Actually, you shouldn’t have to ask. He should constantly tell you, make you forget about your past.

Beautiful girl, beautiful woman, don’t you think you deserve more?

Your love should always be reciprocated.

You deserve more.

You don’t deserve to get used. He’s not worthy enough to be in your presence, let alone be on the receiving end of your compassion.

Beautiful girl, beautiful woman, you deserve more.

More than what he can give you.

You deserve more.

More than what he tells you.

Beautiful girl, beautiful woman, don’t you think you deserve more? You deserve better.

There’s A Thin Line Between Love and Stupidity

Facebook statuses and tweets from various people I know and don’t know, all prove one thing to me:

“YOU PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS WHEN IT COMES TO BEING IN LOVE AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT SHOULD BE LIKE”

Now, even though I am single, I have been in a few relationships that have taught me a lot…. And I will say this…. I have been in the same boat as you all before, and probably in even worse boats… But the difference between you all and me, I learned from my past situations…. YOU DUMMIES HAVEN’T.

To you people in these toxic relationships, let me break down a few things to you about love.

Love Shouldn’t…..

  • Make you cry.
  • Make you feel lonely. 
  • Make you feel insecure.
  • Make you feel incomplete.
  • Hurt you physically.
  • Make you feel guilty.
  • Hurt you sexually.
  • Abuse you emotionally.
  • Toy with you mentally.
  • Hinder you as a person.
  • Make you feel like a piece of property.
  • Make you feel as if you’re not worth being faithful to.
  • Make you want to end your life.
  • Make you indecisive.
  • Make you suspicious.
  • MAKE YOU LOSE ALL COMMON SENSE.
  • MAKE YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT.

Now,I am not the most religious person in the world, and I can’t even tell you the last time I picked up a Bible, but…. there is this one particular Bible scripture that sticks out to me about love.


In 1st Corinthians Chapter 14 Verse 4-7 it reads:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.”

I put that scripture into this blog because every time I look around and see these young couples “in love” I get sad because in my opinion, it’s the furthest thing from that.

How are you in love when he hits you?
How are you in love when she disrespects you?
How are you in love when he makes you feel insecure?
How are you in love when he doesn’t support you?
How are you in love when she cheats on you?
How are you in love when you never learned how to love yourself?

The problem with young people, older people and even OLD people is that people try to hold on to things that should’ve been over a long time ago. 

I believe people come into your life as seasons,or people come into your life to teach you something. When the season is over, or the lesson is learned, it’s time to let go.

People don’t like to let go tho.

I hate the excuse “We go thru _______ and I put up with __________ because I love him/her”

-_______________________________-

That makes no type of logical sense! (in my opinion)

No dummy, you’re N O T in love anymore, you’re stupid and even worse than being stupid is the fact you’re attached,and you don’t w a n t to let go of them out of fear that you don’t believe there’s anything better. So you settle, hoping and praying that the representative (not person, but representative)that you fell in love with comes back….

Not knowing, that person will never, ever, come back.

There is indeed a thin line between love and stupidity…. and many of you have crossed the line a long time ago.

Donnell Jones sang it the best “When you love someone, you just don’t treat them bad”

So this is the point of the blog where I’m supposed to give some advice right?

Too bad I don’t do that. I’ve tried to help friends, family members and others who find themselves in this kind of situation, but I realized…

I can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

You can talk to someone all you want, but at the end of the day, they’ll do what they feel is best for them, no matter how you may feel.

Life is supposed to be a learning experience anyway right.? 
Let the trials and tribulations of love be your teacher.

Love VS. Stupidity….

Which side are you on?