Exploring Celibacy

I have been having sex since I was 14 years old. As you read this, please understand two things about that: 1. That is not something I am flexing about. 2. That is something I no longer live in shame about either.

It is just a fact. And like most facts, mine come with a story. The story goes like this: It was never my idea to begin having sex so early. But, I had a boyfriend at the time who was older than me. He wanted to have sex. I wanted to please him.

The rest was history.


I’ve been trying to find the words to describe what the last 11 years have been like for me. Outside of therapy, I never took the time to process the years of recurring trauma and how it impacted me. I guess you can say that I am unpacking it here with you. If you’re still reading this, then I should be transparent and let you know that the last 11 years has left me with I’ve experienced:

  • Countless heartbreaks.
  • A couple trips to the clinic because chlamydia is real, and not being safe sexually is real too.
  • 2 pregnancies followed by 2 abortions 2 years apart.
  • Being treated like a sex object.
  • Being summed up by my sexual ability.
  • My discernment just not being used.

Still reading? Alright, let’s keep going.


Back in May of this year, I started therapy again. What brought me back in there was a combination of things, namely the emotionally draining interactions I was having with men and how I was worried that I would break. If you know me, you know that I am an advocate for mental health and I know myself well enough to know when things ain’t right. May was a crazy ass month in itself, but I knew something was going to happen. And lo and behold, I missed a period and I was pregnant for the second time.

Then it was like a domino effect of inconvenient shit happening, a lot of poor decisions on my behalf.

After deciding to terminate this pregnancy as well, I found myself back in my therapist’s office, processing things. The beginning of the summer was difficult on ALL levels, but a source of my unhappiness was definitely my choices in men. While I won’t place all blame on them, always remember that you have the power to choose.

And I kept choosing wrong. I noticed a pattern. While every guy I’ve been with was NOT emotionally draining or toxic, I particularly found myself attached to the guys who were emotionally unavailable. Or the guys who only liked fucking me, but never wanted to BE with me. It was crazy, because how could me, Ms. #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge be so…. adamant in not loving myself? In choosing wrong? For a while, I felt fraudulent as fuck, because:

I was choosing chaos over the peace that I rightfully deserved.

It was as if self-sabotage was my middle name. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I needed a reset. I wanted to reset my mind, my body, and most importantly my spirit. Because whether it was self-inflicted or not, how sane would you be if you kept experiencing recurring trauma?


It was per my therapist’s recommendation that I “be still” and not date. At first I was resistant to it, because I ALWAYS had someone to talk to. Go out on dates with. Have different forms of intimacy with. And yes, have sex with. So when she recommended it, at first I was like

Like girl what do you even mean?! For 11 years, damn near my WHOLE identity was wrapped up into who I was dating, and now I gotta be by myself?????? I stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, and agreed.

It was me who decided to take it a step further and be celibate.

While the words celibate and abstinence are used interchangeably, my definition of celibacy is when you intentionally decide not to engage in sexual acts with other people.

A special note to add is that celibacy is NOT when you simply don’t have someone to have sex with. Celibacy is more deliberate and intentional. Not a lil dry spell.


The interesting thing about all of this is that I’m not even a person who has a “high” sex drive (whatever that means to you), but I can seriously go for months at a time without it. In fact the longest I’ve been without sex was this one time for 9 months in high school.

In fact, a lot of guys I’ve been sexual with always complained that I never wanted to have sex as frequently as they would like. There’s reasons behind that.

What’s interesting to me, is that many religious people would say that me enduring all this shit is probably my “punishment” for engaging in sex so early. I’m not sure about all that, but I will say that I’ve learned from every decision I’ve ever made.

Anyway, another reason I am choosing to intentionally pursue celibacy is because I wanna snatch my power back. As I said earlier, I ain’t NEVER not had someone. I may not be big on sex but I am big on intimacy and companionship. And while I’ll always be big on intimacy and companionship, I am curious to know who I am and learn what I can accomplish when the focus is 100% on me.

Ask yourself, who are you when you remove distractions and pour energy into yourself? Get to know that person. Get to know them well.


Many are curious about how I am able to survive, and with 2 months in, I can say so far so good. This is partly due to me:

  • Not having a high sex drive in the first place
  • Intentionally setting boundaries, cutting off, or simply blocking ALL the guys I was dealing with. When it ain’t no prospects, it makes things a lot easier, lol. And at this point, if you got a crush on me… just keep it to yourself lol.

I’ve even become vocal with guys I meet at social functions who seem interested in getting to know me further: I am single and celibate and I won’t be changing that any time soon. That usually keeps them away lol. But I don’t mind.

The part that has been hard for me thus far, is definitely the lack of companionship and intimacy. I’ve had a lot of lonely days and nights (which I’m sure I’ll have more of) but this piece of mind is wayyyyy better than the bullshit I USED to be on.


I look at celibacy in a positive way. It’s not that I can’t get laid. The problem is, I nor majority of the men I chose to lay with valued me…like ALL of me.

While the decisions that led me to be celibate for at minimum of a year was dramatic, I do believe that things had to happen in the way that they did for me to get it. I also knew I had some areas in my life where I wanted to have more discipline. When I put my mind to it, I can be pretty impulsive and I knew I had to control my impulses in order to clear my mind.

Keep in mind, I don’t think sex is bad, it’s just that for me, sex was a distraction. Sex was a crutch. I was using sex as a tool to get some niggas to like me. Sex gotta go. At least for right now.

I think denying yourself of that instant gratification you get from busting a nut clears up a lot of things for you emotionally and mentally.

Now that I am intentionally taking a year long hiatus, I am amazed at the things I’ve accomplished and the clarity I’ve gained in these short 8 weeks. I’m excited about my growth a year from now.


What’s funny is that ever since I’ve declared my celibacy, things instantly started changing around me. First off, I never knew there were so many rules surrounding celibacy. Just because I am celibate doesn’t mean that:

  • I don’t think about sex, because I definitely still do. In fact, I had a flashback the other day that made me wanna — nevermind!
  • My celibacy exploration is me trying to convince YOU to be celibate too. Have enough sex for the both of us if you can, we ain’t all gotta be dry out here like me lol I just hope that you are being safe, intentional, and laying with someone who cares about you.
  • I’m not gone masturbate when and if I please, because I am. I personally believe that bringing myself to orgasm is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done AND it stops me from making terrible decisions, which is the reason why I’m here in the first place lol.

In true Kia fashion, I like to go on journeys in my own special way.


Understand this: just because I am single and celibate now does not that I don’t want that romantic love, because I definitely do. But this time around it HAS to be healthy. I want a love where I don’t have endure suffering first, and those desires start with me. Searching for those things through sex ain’t it and hopping from person to person ain’t it either it. Remember ya’ll, I don’t think sex is bad I am just in a space where I have to be more discerning and careful with it. Plus, piece of mind and clarity are better, right?

As much time and energy I’ve spent these last 11 years pleasing others, it’s time to pour that into me. And while I don’t expect this journey to be easy, I do know that it will be worth it.

Send me some good luck and good vibes as I try this thang out!

Love,

Kia


Here’s some questions I posed to my Instagram followers a couple days ago. Feel free to answer in the comments below:

  • Have you ever been celibate?
  • If you are currently celibate, what influenced you to do it?
  • What’s the longest you’ve been without sex?
  • If you’ve never been celibate, what’s stopping you?
  • Do you think there is a difference between being celibate and just not having someone to have sex with?
  • What have you learned about yourself in your time of celibacy?
  • What advice would you give someone who is currently practicing or thinking about practicing celibacy?

Ghosts and Goblins

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“I’m sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you or anyone around you….” is how a recent text from a guy that ghosted me last year popped up.

I was flabbergasted. One reason was because I never expected to hear from him again and then, considering the type of guy that he is (or rather portrays himself to be) I definitely did not expect an apology…. even if it was generic.

But this isn’t about him or the shenanigans of Venus being in retrograde. 

Let’s talk about Ghosting. The thing that most people do, but everybody hates.

Gho-sting ɡōstiNG/ noun: Per my definition, ghosting is when you build a personal connection with a mf and then boom: out of nowhere things change and this person disappears into thin air. They don’t return calls, texts, and if you happen to live in the same city with them; you don’t see them…. like at ALL. Even if you purposely go to the same places they go or even pop up at their house. 

Needless to say, no matter what your reaction to being ghosted might be, the shit hurts. Like bad. But why does it hurt so much?

Consider Your Attachment Style

If you’re anything like me, it may take you a moment to open up to others, especially romantically. I think the more time you spend talking, building, dating, fucking — whatever, with someone your walls soften and you get used to a routine. When that routine is interrupted, it just feels weird. Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes getting ghosted can feel like you lost a piece of you and now you have to figure out who you are again before you even met this person and started a routine with them. Understanding that all relationships and friendships don’t last forever, but damn, who knew they’d be so temporary too? Our attachment styles have a lot to do with why we react so seriously when we get ghosted. Did we have a healthy attachment to that person? Or were we feeding a co-dependency issue that we have?

Ghosting Is Just Rude AF

Another reason why ghosting hurts so much is because its just RUDE AF! Some people feel like ghosting others is okay because not everyone deserves to know why you stopped fucking with them. That’s cool, but what if that SAME energy was returned back to you? However, I do think we take it so hard because our egos get bruised. We think we are such great people that we are untouchable when it comes to the nuances of developing close relationships with others. Aside from bruised egos, ghosting is rude as fuck because of how cowardly and childish it is. It’s okay to have changed feelings, but damn… can we exhibit some emotional maturity and just communicate?

If Someone Ghosts You, It’s Not Your Fault

Probably the worst part about getting ghosted (aside from generic ass apologies after the fact) is all the self-doubt that comes creeping up. You begin to question yourself like was I not good enough? Was I far more invested in this thing than they were? What is it about my personality that made them tired of me? Do I need to change something about myself so this never happens to me again?  Soooo many self-defeating thoughts, and if you already have low self esteem, then getting ghosted makes it worse. I have learned and I want you to understand that if someone ghosts you, it’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you.

For crying out loud, it is not your fault if someone ghosts YOU. 

We cannot control grown ass people (no matter how much we deeply desire to) nor their actions. It is not your fault if people wake up one day and decide to walk out your life, let them do it…. you’re the prize anyway.

What If I’m The One That Ghosted Somebody?

I have been that person too. And we ain’t shit for doing it. I remember I ghosted this really sweet guy and to this day he never treated me ill because of it, which makes me feel even worse for doing it. At that time in my life, I lacked a lot of emotional maturity and refused to learn how to communicate through my shit.

Still, it’s no excuse.

As I said earlier, it’s okay if you wake up one day and no longer have the same feelings toward someone and it’s okay if you no longer want to be in their life. But it’s HOW you walk out their life that matters and as I’ve said, to do so with no word or explanation is just rude AF, G.

Is There Ever A Situation Where It’s “OK” To Ghost Someone?

I’m still trying to figure this one out myself, because I know each case is different. Like one time, I was having casual sex with a guy and found out that the dick was trash…. so I ghosted him. He wasn’t trying to be my boyfriend and I wasn’t trying to be his girlfriend so to be honest, I don’t even think he noticed that I was gone lol.

In other cases, I do understand that sometimes you have to leave somebody exactly where they have you fucked up at. No explanation, especially when you’ve tried to communicate your feelings and they simply didn’t listen. I know people who have ghosted because of that.

Instead of finding situations where it’s okay to ghost someone, can we put that energy into oh Idk…. being comfortable with being vulnerable and actually TALKING about what goes on? Like, we can’t be childish forever. Use your words.

The Person Who Ghosted Me Has Apologized… Now What?

Shit….. don’t fall for it sis! Lol.

Y’all remember how on Insecure, Nathan ghosted Issa for a month and then tried to walk his yellow ass to her house with some flowers on her birthday? Like everything was all good? Whew chile, thank God for Molly intercepting because that could’ve taken a turn for the worse. That’s how I felt when that dude from last year texted me apologizing this weekend. Where was this energy last year? But I digress.

Understand that you don’t have to do anything. Not even wanna accept it if you don’t want to. You can actually pretend that the person doesn’t exist, cuz that’s how they did you when they ghosted you. (I’m a little petty, I know.)

Moral of the story

We all go through shit. Doesn’t mean you have to ghost anybody.

We all get ghosted. Stop blaming yourself, its not your fault.

Communicate, it makes things easier. Work through the issues you have with vulnerability. We all have to grow up some day.

Navigating relationships is scary enough. Let’s not add ghosting to the mix.


Have you ever ghosted someone?

Has someone ever ghosted you? If yes, how did it make you feel? Did your views on building relationships with people change?

How did you get over getting ghosted?

5 Ways Men Can Love Themselves Better

5 Ways Men Can Love Themselves Better

When I did my self-love workshop back in March, a couple of my guy friends came through and I learned something interesting: Men really don’t discuss self-love nor are they taught how to have love for themselves. This self-love phenomenon is primarily preached to women, meanwhile men just kinda slip through the cracks.

That’s not fair to me. I think both men and women need to commit to loving themselves better but the onus always falls on women. Nobody can do the work for you, you have to learn how to do the work yourself.

Here’s 5 ways you can love yourself better, King.

5. Clip Those Nasty Ass Fingernails

I’ll give it to you straight: There is nothing more disgusting than a guy with nasty ass fingernails who always wants to stick his fingers inside of you. CLIP. THOSE. SHITS!

One time I dated a guy who kept his fingernails long so he could break down a blunt better and whew chile, the the yeast infections. While we love men who work with their hands, we also love men who take care of their hands too. Wash them, clip them, hell go get a manicure if you feel so inclined. Nobody has time to be going to the doctor just because you think it’s okay to have backwoods, flamin’ hot, and dirt residue underneath your nails.

Clip yo shit dawg.

4. Do Some Exercise

I’m no fitness guru at all (hell, I wanna cancel my gym membership RIGHT NOW), but I think a great way to show that you love yourself is when you take care of your body. I’ve discovered that not only does working out help with stamina during sex (because let’s be honest, y’all should not be 27 doing the same three positions and finished in 20 minutes) but when you look good….you feel good. Can’t afford a gym membership? No worries! Youtube has a bunch of at home workouts you can do.

Take care of your body King.

3. Be Mindful of What You Consume

And I’m not just talking about food here. Evaluate who’s around you. Evaluate what you are listening to. What are you reading? What messages about life, women, money, self development, etc are being preached to you? How much time do you spend on social media vs the time that you spend with yourself? Your mind is so important, watch what you put in it.

2. Honor Your Emotions

This is tricky territory because most men think that being a man and being emotionally competent just don’t mix. When y’all are allowed to express emotions, society has said that the only ones that are acceptable are anger or violence. I’m here to tell you that it is okay to feel shit. Misogyny and patriarchy has been embedded in all of us to say that when you express yourself, it means that you are soft, you a bitch, or God forbid, you’re gay… *eye roll*

Then you become this sort of robot. You got all these walls built up. You have issues communicating in your partnerships you have with women, because some women (actually, a lot of us) have internalized misogyny and the moment you open up your mouth, some women will accuse you of being over emotional. To me, there’s no such thing as being over emotional but there is such thing as not properly handling your emotions.

I say all this to say: Take the time to self reflect so you can become self aware. I don’t care where you start, just start. After a while, we become too old to chalk up character flaws as “this is just how I am.”

Do the work, even if it’s hard… that’s one of the ways you know you truly love yourself.

1. Get Tested

I am a firm believer that when you truly love yourself, you take care of your body.

I don’t understand that how, in the year of 2018, there are so many men who don’t know their STD status. Is ignorance truly bliss? Every sexually active male on this earth needs to have a standard check up every three months. Even if you are in a monogamous relationship, you AND your partner should be getting tested. For example, does your lady constantly get UTI’s, yeast infections, or BV? Then it HAS to be something about you that’s knocking her PH level off. Go to the doctor bro. I understand that there is a stigma surrounding STD’s and honestly sex education in America is trash but STILL. GO TO THE DOCTOR BRO.

  • WHEN YOU CATCH A NEW BODY, GO.
  • WHEN YOU GO BACK TO AN OLD BODY GO.

Sure, you can use condoms and what not, but to be honest, a lot of y’all don’t AND I’m pretty sure you’re not giving or receiving oral sex with dental dams and condoms on. Or did y’all forget that sexally transmitted infections can get passed orally as well?

Also, it’s not really about the number of sexual partners you have anymore, but it is about the number of risky behaviors you engage in. A lot of men are asymptomatic, which means even if you have something like chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc, the shit won’t show up! You can catch something from a sexual encounter you had with someone three months ago, not know it and pass it on to a new partner three months later.

It is SO important to get tested. At least every three months Kings.

Uninsured? Well look, google the nearest free or reduced public health clinic in your area. I know for a fact that Planned Parenthood services men and some other clinics out here have free testing days.

You know you truly love yourself when you prioritize you and your partner’s sexual health. If you are currently fucking someone who feels a type of way when you ask them to go get tested, that’s a clear sign that you shouldn’t be fucking them.

Moral of the story, go get tested Kings!

 


I hope you all enjoyed my 5 tips but in no way is this list exhaustive! If you have something to add, please comment below!

Love,

Kia ♥