Surviving Misogyny

The past two weeks have been rough for 2019. With only 16 days in, we have learned:

  • Pretty much all our faves have been trash/are trash
  • People STILL ain’t listening to nor giving a fuck about black girls and women
  • People would rather advocate for a rapist cuz he makes great music… and the WHOLE city of Chicago knew it

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Regardless of his proven history, it is grown ass women out here still willing to buss it open for this man because… he’s still sexy to them????

Whew chile. We are truly living in some dark and ghetto times.

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Y’all President has shut the government down due to a wall he can’t get built.

More or less tho, this post isn’t about Rapist Kelly. In fact, I never watched the documentary. I don’t need to and I don’t want to. However, I will say this:

Furthermore:

• Just because you’ve been abused, doesn’t give you the right to abuse others.

• I can’t be friends with those who have no empathy for the sexually abused. So many people are deleted off my social media and I could not be happier. 

• While yes, the outrage should have been in place 30 years ago, it simply wasn’t. Or maybe it was but again… y’all do NOT give a fuck about black women anyway cus anytime we try and speak up, y’all try to silence us! So it’s like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

• This shit isn’t an attack on Black men. Everybody should be held accountable regardless of race. Just say y’all wanna be white men and get away with everything… even if it’s sexual abuse. 🙃

• I was told that there were women in that doc who know of Rapist Kelly’s history, saw that child porn, etc but still consented to go with him… while they are indeed BIRDS, they still did NOT deserve what happened to them. Hopefully moving forward they will have better discernment but yeah. That nigga is bat shit crazy.

• Also… for you people who keep bringing up age differences between say.. your own parents etc please understand that there was likely no manipulation taking place AND they were able to CONSENT. Not coerced, preyed on, manipulated, kidnapped etc BUT enthusiastically consented.

• Finally, to you niggas who keep bringing up girls who got picked up in high school by grown niggas or who were messing around with security guards… you make a moot point because a) Girls wouldn’t be getting into cars with grown niggas if the niggas wouldn’t of been pulling up in the first place. And b) Can’t mess with a security guard if he wasn’t trying to mess with you in the first place. Adults should always be held accountable, so stop trying to dissolve people of it.

Anyways, I say all this to say: Fuck Rapist Kelly. *cues Boondocks episode*

Again though, this isn’t about him. I just got one question: how are we gonna survive misogyny? Cuz truthfully y’all, misogyny and patriarchy have done a number on us all. It’s something we ALL have to unlearn.

Misogyny is the reason why we believe 50 men calling one girl a hoe but if 50 women say that she has been assaulted by that man, we question it or say she’s lying.

Misogyny is the reason why it was deemed acceptable for young boys as young as 9, 10, 11 years old getting sucked and fucked on by grown ass women as if that’s not sexual abuse too.

Misogyny is the reason why girls have strict dress codes in school, and get penalized for showing something as simple as a shoulder.

Misogyny is the reason why we only allow boys and men to show anger and rage because to show any other emotion makes him a bitch.

Misogyny is the reason why women are deemed the weaker between the sexes, and we know that ain’t true.

Misogyny is the reason why niggas feel entitled to our time, space, numbers, bodies, etc and if we DON’T give it to them, then we gotta fear if they’ll react violently 🙃.

Misogyny is the reason why women get pressured into taking back their emotionally and maybe even physically abusive partners back, but if she cheats you gotta drop her like a bad habit..

Misogyny is the reason why trans women are getting killed at alarming rates.

Misogyny is the reason y’all don’t respect sex workers of any kind.

Misogyny is the reason why politicians can debate when and how we can get pregnant, get access to birth control, and how much we get paid.

Misogyny is the reason why Rapist Kelly and other people like him were allowed to roam free for so long.

Y’all get the gist now, or should I keep going?

While that’s not an exhaustive list, bitch I am exhausted. But imagine how exhausting it is trying to survive all this shit on a day to day.

Then it’s like… with all this news coming out about your faves and people just refusing to be silent anymore, it leaves me to question: Where do we go from here? How do we start the process of unlearning? Is there exactly one answer? Do we just cancel people left and right but leave our own internal misogyny unchecked?

Feminism ain’t always the answer (because #WhiteWomen and their shenanigans will literally throw the rest of us under a bus.) but I will say this:

I think people hate feminism or simply women feeling empowered enough to speak up about things that they once kept buried and locked away because it puts a mirror on them.

It forces themselves to be held accountable.

To ask and answer those hard questions: Am I creepy?

Have I done some creep shit?

Have my guys done some creep shit and I sat back and said/did nothing?

And you know what G? Most of us have.

Like Chance said in his interview with Jameliah Lemieux, regardless of your proximity to black women, we tend to dismiss the trauma and pain of our day to day interactions with misogyny.

Unfortunately, some of us have had to parade our own trauma just for niggas to not only humanize women, but to fucking get it.

It sucks. Truly. Because we should respect women just off GP but unfortunately, that’s not how this world is set up… until we started speaking up.

Demanding respect.

Amplifying our voices and educating not only ourselves, but those that are willing to learn too.

And unlearning our own internalized misogyny, because that’s the hardest part.

Unlearning is not an overnight process, nor is it easy. You basically gotta ask yourself the hard questions and analyze what messages about certain people were communicated to you and then based off those messages, how did you interact with those certain groups of people?

Truth be told we are all socialized in some type of way. Are your thoughts truly your own or are you simply a product of your environment?

As of late, I have vowed to stop arguing on the internet with people about sensitive topics because tone is everything and Chile… you just can’t talk to people who ain’t willing to listen or learn. Plus, healing is more effective when it’s done off the internet in my opinion.

So what I’ve personally done is I started having conversations with my male friends and while we don’t always agree, I WILL say that they leave conversations with me with a new perspective and I’m hoping a willingness to just do better.

So where do we go from here?

⁃ Create a space (preferably offline) with a community of folks who really want to learn and do better..

Even if it’s just 1 person that’s a start.

Never stop speaking up.

I commend everybody I’ve seen over the past couple weeks use their platforms to amplify the voices of survivors. People try to silence black women ALL THE TIME but per usual, we ain’t going.

Nip shit in the bud as soon as it happens.

You don’t have to live in fear anymore. There’s no reason why celebrities and non-celebrities are allowed to roam this earth so freely after knowing about the atrocities committed against women and children. We gotta do better and it starts by being non-complacent.

Go volunteer somewhere.

I came across this list of places in Chicago that provide services and help those who have experienced sexual assault. If you’re not in Chicago, well…. Google IS your friend. Use it and take action.

Surviving misogyny isn’t easy and I’m ready to live in a world without it. But we can’t do that until we unlearn, heal, and create a better tomorrow.

Are you up for the challenge? Is that something you want to commit yourself to?

Or do you wanna stay complacent, because misogyny is so deeply embedded in us that we really can’t imagine/ don’t want to have a world without it?

Thanks for reading my story.

Love,

Kia

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Stop Asking Us Why We Wait

Untitled design (1)To start this off, I want to issue a trigger warning, because its been a minute since I’ve written about r*pe. As a victim   survivor of the circumstance myself, writing about it, reading about it is honestly just triggering as fuck.

Regardless, I can’t keep quiet and watch you all continuously tear down other survivors of the circumstance due to your own ignorance. Every week, I watch y’all spew hatred and place blame on EVERYONE except the person who did the actual crime. I watch y’all justify and defend and down right CAP for abusers left and right, simply because some have influence. Some have power. And some were your “role models” growing up.

Social media has literally been making my stomach turn for a number of incidents. From that Orange Bitch in the White House tweeting that if the accusations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh were true, then the accuser would have filed a police report 36 years ago, to y’all caping for Bill Cosby because he’s “old and blind”, enough is enough!

I’ve been wondering how could you all have the gall to even ask why women wait to report sexual assault, but maybe you are unaware and don’t understand how this works.

Maybe you are under the assumption that as soon as someone gets sexually violated, they then have the strength to go through the legal process and then boom, all is taken care of and the perpetrator is thrown in jail. And then the victim lives happily ever after.

I don’t expect y’all to be that dumb, but you know… if you’ve never been sexually assaulted before, then you deadass may not understand shit about shit, so that’s why it’s easy for you to spew your hatred and opinions.

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

Remember when Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas? What did y’all do to her? What did y’all say about her? Remember when we publicly watched R.Kelly’s grown ass marry 15-year-old Aaliyah, piss on a 14-year-old girl, post up outside of Kenwood High School, and even to this day has some sort of sex cult going on, what did y’all say about those girls? Bill Cosby said it out his own mouth that he bought drugs for women so he could have sex with them, literally said it out his own mouth and y’all are STILL convinced that those women are lying.

I say all that to say that if we actually had a chance at being believed, then maybe we would report more. Did you know that out of every 1,000 sexual assaults that happen, 994 perps will walk free?

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

Did you know that 2 out of 3 sexual assault cases go unreported? I’m sure women and other people who were sexually assaulted would report more if they had more support. If only they were met with compassion and kindness. If some weren’t bullied into being quiet. Did you know that 7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim? So naw, contrary to what is publicized on TV and movies, a rapist is not someone waiting in the bushes waiting to get your ass.

In the #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, thousands shared their stories of being violated and staying silent about it. Fear, backlash, and even their own family members were the common reasons why so many choose to suffer in silence for so long. Some even place blame on themselves, wondering if they could have did or said something different would have stopped that heinous crime.

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

Did you know that out of all victims of sexual abuse, 34% are under the age of 12 while 66% are ages 12-17? That means that every 2 out of 3 kids in that age range that you know, 2 out of 3 of them may be victims of sexual assault. Concluding with this, 93% of perpetrators are known to the victim.

Imagine being a kid and being assaulted and not feeling comfortable enough to tell anyone because you know exactly who did it, or you feel like what happened to you was somehow your fault. Imagine the blame, actually being placed on you. I know exactly how it feels, because I was once that kid.

Stop Asking Us Why Wait 

At this point, I just wish y’all would just admit that y’all hate women and y’all don’t care that someone gets proper justice. Some of you have mentioned that all those women are lying and just want money, fame, etc. Y’all wonder why many only come forward when someone has reached a certain status of affluency. Y’all wonder why white men “don’t get convicted for the same crimes”

As I mentioned above, 994 perpetrators walk free when accused of sexual assault. So not only are people NOT REALLY going to jail for these crimes, but did you also know that only 2-8% of rapes are falsely reported? Yes, it’s true that some people do lie but it does NOT negate the fact that the number of unreported, non-convicted number is so high.

When women do report things in a timely manner, society condemns them no matter how young or old. The other day on Twitter, I watched y’all condemn someone for putting her drink down at a party for two seconds to hand her friend a napkin, and when she picked it back up there was a green pill floating in it. Instead of condemning the person that put it in her drink, y’all attacked her.

The message all of these incidents portray is that everything is our fault, we should be more careful, we should know more, we shouldn’t be trusting, we shouldn’t drink, or go outside or breathe at this point. Or we’ll get r*ped and if we say something it’s our fault. And if we don’t say something, it’s our fault. And if we say something years down the line, it’s our fault.

Why don’t y’all have this same energy for abusers? Not just the celebrity ones either, but the ones in your own neighborhood, in your friend group, at church, the ones in your own family?

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

I think the narrative should switch from “Why did it take her          years to reveal this?”

To

“It’s a shame that she had to suffer with this secret for         years, I am glad she’s receiving peace.”

Instead, y’all cap all day long on Al Gore’s internet and basically say that Black men shouldn’t get convicted of sexual assault because white men get away with it. What that says to me is, not only do you NOT give a fuck about women or justice but you also just simply want to be white because whiteness = power and y’all desire that shit so much.

I wish y’all had this same energy about the criminal justice system when we discuss how Blacks and Latinos are disproportionately locked up for shit like weed, meanwhile White folks go to Colorado and start weed farms. Now that is some shit to rant and rave about.

Stop Asking Us Why We Wait 

We will continue to wait until y’all start holding people accountable, and not just celebrities either. Your homies need to be checked and locked up for the creepy shit they do, too.

Until y’all stop protecting abusers.

Until y’all stop accusing anyone who speaks up as someone who is just trying to tear someone else down.

Until y’all actually know, learn, and understand what consent is.

Until y’all unlearn all the harmful messages about women’s bodies and the access you perceive you have to them.

Until you examine what in you makes you want to protect abusers so much.

Until you start believing, start supporting, and start providing safe spaces for those who speak up.

Until you learn basic empathy and compassion, even if you have never experienced sexual assault yourself.

Experiencing sexual assault is a literal nightmare. The least you can do is stop asking us why we wait.

P.S. To my survivors of the circumstance who may be reading this: I don’t care if you are 6 or 66, I believe you. I love you. And whether you choose to live in silence or use your voice loudly, I support you.

Praying for more empathy and understanding,

Kia ♥


Sources

http://time.com/5403230/donald-trump-tweets-sexual-assault-reporting/

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/whyididntreport-hundreds-of-thousands-confide-their-stories-of-rape-abuse/

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/children-and-teens

https://www.ourresilience.org/what-you-need-to-know/myths-and-facts/

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence