Bigger

2021 came around and I decided that I would be where the money resides like the viral video suggested.

In January, a former colleague of mine reached out to me and told me that her job was hiring. I had JUST gotten fired from a contract job a month prior, my unemployment was a joke, and while the book was still selling, the sales were slow and I had major doubts of being an entrepreneur around that time. I had thought about getting a job again but pandemic burnout + uncertainty about what it was I *actually* wanted to do with myself stopped me from actively applying anywhere.

The bills were piling up, so it seemed like my former acquaintance’s email about her job hiring came at the right time.

They had recently started in November and they ranted and raved about the position, people who worked there, etc. We talked extensively about job duties, as I would be apart of their team, salary range, and opportunities for growth. I figured hey: the money was good, I would still be 100% remote, and I had full time benefits.

Sounds like a dream come true, right?

So I applied and three interview rounds later, I was hired at my first corporate job. I was happy about it and celebrated with some friends when I got the email. My start date was the day after Valentine’s Day.

Quickly, I realized two things about myself:

1. Living through Covid really did a number on my brain.
2. I simply HATED working from home, it felt like a trap.

Nevertheless, I was in a mid-level position, and I did my best to virtually adjust and perform to the best of my ability.

For a while, everything felt great. Even though I had past work trauma from horrible jobs in the past, with this company, I didn’t feel any of that at first. Any feelings of anxiousness or jumping to conclusions about the people I worked with was quickly replaced with gentle reminders to stay open minded and NOT let imposter syndrome get the best of me— which it often did anyway.

Still, I put my best foot forward. I ain’t never been too good for a 9-5 and the only reason I became an entrepreneur was because Miss Rona laid me off from every job I had about 3 weeks into the lock down that we all so naively thought would only last 2 weeks.

The first month at the job was blissful. They hosted me a virtual birthday party in March and sent me lunch. I was able to take a couple half days, no questions asked. And my paychecks were nice.

By April, things had taken a swift turn. Now, I’m no stranger to navigating swift and random change but this shit was different y’all. Imposter syndrome + being hyper-observant when someone’s behavior changes towards me made me feel like perhaps I made a mistake in choosing this job. They certainly made me feel like they had made a mistake in choosing me.

To my genuine surprise, drama at the workplace ensued and while I’ll spare the details of that (for privacy reasons), I found myself stressed, anxious, and crying every single week. I’m not sure if it was due to being out of work so long and wanting to perform well or WHAT, but I knew something needed to give.

But was I ready to walk away from this stable, good paying job was the question??

Like any person, I had my doubts.

How would I pay my bills?

Could I really sustain myself off being a full time entrepreneur again?

What if it wasn’t the job, but just ME?

Then my final straw came. After that, I plotted on my decision to leave.

Making the decision to finally leave was easy for me to be honest. I had experienced way too much disrespect, was not stimulated by the work I was doing, and my mental health was far too precious to compromise any longer. Plus, since I was working from home, I decided that I would not be miserable in my own house.

I love myself too much to stay somewhere where I am not welcomed, wanted, or appreciated. This includes places I receive a paycheck.

Walking into June, I decided that the 25th would be my last day.

I wasn’t sure how people on my small team felt about me leaving, but that is of none of my concern. I just knew I had to get out. Especially after reporting some things to HR and nothing was done about it.

In different periods of my life, I’ve always been isolated for being someone who would speak up. People would try to feed me bullshit about how some things are “just the way they are” but I never folded. If something feels wrong to you, you don’t have to be quiet and accept it. You actually do yourself and others a disservice by staying quiet. As for me and my mental health, Imma speak up.

The short time I was at this job, I asked God constantly what the hell was I supposed to learn??? I could not understand the adversity I was experiencing and usually, I am NOT a quitter.

But sometimes, quitting is exactly what you need to do. You only get one you, so you must do what is necessary to preserve yourself.

I grew up around a lot of people who simply did what they had to do in order to survive and keep food in their bellies and a roof over their heads and it is nothing wrong with that, I just wanted more for myself because I know that I deserve it. Life is not all about struggle and you don’t have to sacrifice yourself so much where you can’t even enjoy the fruits of living out your dream.

So bravely, I chose myself. And I realized, that there is ALWAYS something bigger: a bigger bag, a bigger blessing, and better opportunity. I never had to be anywhere I didn’t want to be.

I know exactly what my purpose is and working that fancy-in-title corporate job was NOT it.

And that’s okay.

Sometimes when walking in your purpose, you’ll get distracted and redirected for a short while. Then, something happens and when the dust finally settles, you get back on the path you were on but this time with new knowledge and clarity.

I say all this to say, don’t let a job and a false sense of security prevent you from speaking up for yourself and choosing your mental health and wellness above all.

There’s always something bigger and better out there. And you deserve it ALL.

Love,

Kia

Continue Reading

Friends?

We live in a world that prioritizes romantic relationships between men and women. I think one of the most forgotten, yet just as valuable relationships a woman can have is in her friendships with other women.

I also understand that many women do not share my same sentiment, due to friendship trauma.

What is friendship trauma, you may ask?

It’s simple. Trauma after experiencing a bad friendship. And whether or not you want to admit it, I think a LOT of us have experienced trauma from women we were once friends with.

And, just like any other trauma we experience in our intimate relationships, experiencing friendship trauma can re-wire our brains. So much to the point where we don’t have long standing, healthy relationships with women and why we may feel unsafe around them and unable to trust them.

Perhaps that is why it is easy for you to forgive a man 50 million times who constantly disrespects you but the moment a friend of yours is unable to make a birthday dinner or something, she’s cut off with no remorse.

Or, perhaps that trauma is why you refer to women as “females,” and you rant and rave about how every “female” is a snake and can’t be trusted.

Or, why you feel like you get along better with men vs women.

But I don’t know. Everyone is different.

I’ve had my share of friendship trauma. And I once shared the EXACT same sentiments as y’all. So I get it, I truly do. As a result, I use the word “friend” sparingly. I watch people before I decide to let them get close. I don’t tolerate cattiness or drama. And I try to give everyone chances and clean slates, regardless of what I have experienced in the past.

In elementary school, I used to get bullied by girls that were my friends one week and hated me the next. The girl I considered my best friend went out her way to humiliate me constantly and it almost always had something to do with a raggedy ass boy.

Freshman year of high school, I was best friends with a girl who called me up one day and said that she “had to stop being friends with me” … it was random and out the blue. Later I found out it was because of her way older than us boyfriend but it still hurt my feelings.

Freshman year of college was nothing but drama within friend groups. I was roommates with a friend from high school in the dorms and by December, she hated me. I won’t say I’m completely innocent in this situation but it was amazing to see how a light can switch from on to off in a second when it concerns people. She and another group of bitty’s got together and tried to bully me online, put all my business out there, and tried to fight me.

A person I was friends with since the age of 15 just up and stopped talking to me and unfriended me on every social media app we were friends on.

Hell, last summer a girl I was friends with since college blocked me off everything random as hell. We never fell out or anything. But maybe, she had a problem with me.


So yeah, I know what it’s like to be jaded and cautious when it comes to making friends with other women. I honestly didn’t make solid women friends until later in college. I’m still making new friends, ending other friendships and evolving into a better friend for others. Not a perfect friend, but a good one.

I tweeted this on my now suspended twitter account last week and it went viral.

This twitter page is now suspended. Please follow my new one here http://twitter.com/kiasmithwrites_

Many people shared stories of their friendships woes and dumped a lot of their unresolved hurt in the quote tweets and replies. I knew women had experienced friendship trauma, I just didn’t realize how common that is and that’s sad.

It’s people out here who desire friends but don’t know how to make them.

It’s people out here who get friends but don’t know how to keep them.

It’s people out here who have friends but it’s always full of unnecessary drama and cattiness.

It’s people out here who have good friends but past trauma makes them think they aren’t deserving, so they self-sabotage the friendship.

It’s people out here who ARE good friends but they lack empathy, have a hard time minding someone else’s boundaries, and place unrealistic expectations on others.

It’s people out here who ARE good friends but they don’t have good conflict resolution skills.

It’s people out here who ARE good friends but trauma makes them feel that others are non-trustworthy and so… they isolate themselves. Then have resentment because they are lonely.

Sometimes, being a friend can be exhausting. Because everyone has different ideas on what a friend is and what a friend should be, on top other people’s unique experiences with past friendships.

Unfortunately, not many people give others grace and a clean slate to allow others to show up for them. Or be a friend to them. It’s the pre-conceived notions that they have, for me.

However, when you know that you deserve healthy friendships, that is only half the battle.

You have to BE a healthy friend, too.

And by healthy friend, I don’t mean being that person who shows up to everything, does everything, overextends etc.

There is a difference between being a genuine friend and wanting a consolation prize for being a good person. And here’s a secret: if someone has to hear about how you did XYZ as a friend when issues arise or the friendships fades, your intentions wasn’t good in the first place.

By healthy friend, I mean mirroring the qualities that you seek in others.

If you want honest friends- be honest.
If you want empathetic friends – be empathetic.
If you want friends that won’t snake you or be catty, don’t be a snake, and don’t be catty.

Admittedly, I know that you can mirror ALL the qualities you want in a friend and you still get BURNED.

And that shit hurts, don’t it? But those people burning you is a THEM problem, not a YOU problem.

Conflict in any relationship is normal and it should not be feared.

Unfortunately, due to how many of us may have saw conflict be handled in our childhood, there is a reason behind why many of us choose to be passive aggressive when it comes to handling conflict.

Instead of talking to your homegirl straight up (with care and honesty) about what’s bothering you, you would rather take mental notes and let it build and build until one minor thing makes you erupt.

Pressure bursts pipes baby, I’m sure it is not that deep. And if it IS that deep, then why couldn’t you stop being afraid of conflict and just address it head on?

Unresolved friendship trauma can also make you feel like you don’t need friends

… when we know that’s a lie. Everybody on this earth needs a friend.

Everybody.

Good friends though, not just people taking up space.

Being a good friend takes PRACTICE. It takes self-awareness and honesty.

Ask yourself: how important is having good friends and being a good friend to you?

For some, it’s hella high on their list of priorities. For others, it is very low.

And either is okay. Just be honest!

How do you know your friendships are even healthy?

I think it’s a gut feeling.

It’s not about the lack of arguing or conflict from time to time but about how you HANDLE it.

I think it’s when you are able to enjoy people for WHO they are and the relationship y’all have. It’s not a transactional relationship based on who they know or who you know and what y’all can do for each other.

You don’t have to question them, watch your back, or nothing. You know they have your best interest at heart and vice versa.

When your differences don’t affect the friendship but enhance. Birds of a feather don’t have to flock together and all friends don’t have to be the SAME. Individuality is needed. It is key.

You also accept that your friends have other friends. You cannot be everything to one or a few people.

At the end of the day, friendship trauma is REAL, just like any other trauma. But I encourage you to find out who you are outside of that…. because you deserve it.

All women deserve healthy friendships.

Especially after experiencing friendship trauma.

Continue Reading

Love Is

So, what is there to write about when life isn’t tumultuous anymore?

When toxic, low vibrational relationships are a thing of the past?

When cultivating and giving room to grow are essential to gaining love where as trying to force others to conform to your own ideas of love fall to wayside.

I love it here. And I’ve been loving it here for a while.

If you have been following this blog for a while, you have noticed that this is my first post in 6 months and I haven’t did anything except publish my 2nd book since then. Truthfully, I have a whole lotta stuff I want to get off my chest but first — let me talk about LOVE which is not strange when it comes to this space of mine.

But this time it’s different, because…. Well. It’s HEALTHY for one. Like real healthy. And I am deserving.

And I repeat, I am deserving. I affirm, I AM deserving.

I get to be my soft self.

My crybaby self. (Lord knows I’m sensitive)

My vulnerable self.

My goofy self (cuz if we gone do one thing around this mf, it’s laugh)

And Mr. Bae does nothing but accept me and stick beside me. And THAT is nothing more than I can ask for in partnership because I think many of us spend our lives feeling so misunderstood, conforming to others’ ideas of us, living up to others desires, people pleasing — you name it, we’ve did it and to be in a space where I ain’t gotta do none of that shit except me be is —-

Like a breath of fresh air.

It is freeing.

And I AM deserving.

Not cuz of what I’ve been through.

Not cuz of the self-love work that I’ve done.

But because I exist and I am here and I am love.

So how did this love come about?

Well first, we were friends… great friends… beautiful friends….then sneaky links lol. And I’m dead serious. And boy, did we link, if you know what I mean.

Then, I realized that I liked this nigga for real.

Like you should be my man for real.

But at the time, the feeling wasn’t mutual.

He was young, in his prime, had only had two prior relationships when he was in high school and simply wanted to be single.

And at the time, I just couldn’t understand it! I was the whole MFn package okay?! It wasn’t until I matured a bit that I understood how crucial spending time with one’s self before rushing into a relationship is.

So, I did what any self-respecting woman who was learning how to love herself did:

I fell back.

And I didn’t wait on him to come get me neither!

Over the years, I had plenty of boyfriends, situationships, sneaky links, and entanglements, you name it— I had it.

But I wasn’t fulfilled and every time I looked up, there was some shit going on with my love life.

It got exhausting.

I kept trying to date around in hopes of finding someone to settle down with but my prospects weren’t always the best. I was letting my loneliness make decisions for me and that would cost me big time.

I learned that temporary thrills is simply that— temporary and I wanted more. I didn’t always think I was deserving but once it clicked for me, I didn’t want to settle and I refused to.

Though sometimes, I still did. And that’s okay, because playas fuck up too. I bounced back from everything though.

Summer of 2020, I made a commitment to myself that I would actually have fun when it came to dating and not make the mistake of only fucking with one person at a time. I also told myself that it was okay if any connection I made did not end up in a happily ever after connection. Some people are merely good to just experience.

So I dated. Had me a lil roster. Went on plenty of dates. And had fun. And the moment I stopped having fun, I was clear and done with it. It felt empowering and liberating.

For once, I allowed myself to just enjoy people for who and what they are and even though it was hard to meet people and even go out much during the height of the pandemic, we made the best of it. I still desired to be in a long term relationship but I made peace with the fact that it would come when it was supposed to.

Mr. Bae was still at the top of my roster and the more I dated around, I was like damn. I still really like you nigga, so wassup?

Let’s just say that we were not on the same page.

So I had two choices: I could either:

A. Settle & shut up and keep meaninglessly dating him and others

B. Just leave him alone for good because what the fuck did I look like?

I don’t believe in giving ultimatums. And setting boundaries vs giving ultimatums was simple to me.

If I set a boundary, I would be okay with whatever his answer was gone be. The whole practicing detachment thing ya know?

If I gave an ultimatum, I would be expecting him to do what I wanted him to do.

And that’s not fair. Love is about choices.

I decided to go with option A. So we linked up for our final goodbyes, I had my speech prepared and all! Mid-sentence, Mr. Bae goes: “Let’s try us out.”

And I was speechless.

I almost said hell no, but honestly…. I’m glad I didn’t.

I let him show me. And prove to me. And we chose each other. Over and over and over and over again.

And we grew. This wasn’t just my best friend and sneaky link no more. This was my man.

And we was committed to only each other.

I have probably always loved Mr. Bae, first as my super close friend, then as someone I could grow in partnership with. This is the person I can laugh with, have serious convos with, share my a million dreams and ideas with, get money with, cry to, be spoiled by, try new restaurants with, travel with, and be my full self with.

He doesn’t try to water me down, he supports me 100000%, and he lifts me up constantly.

Plus, he ain’t ugly. So that’s a plus. 🤣

That was in January. And here we are in July. Loving on each other and still growing and my face hurts from smiling and laughing so much with him.

I say all this to say… If you desire love, I am wishing the very best for you. I ain’t got no secrets, no codes to sell you. Just learn the difference between what you actually like, what you are offered, and what you settle for.

Love is the highest vibration we can experience.

Yes, you ARE deserving.

And no, you don’t have to go through tons of shit to get it, contrary to popular socialization of women.

So what do I write about now?

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Continue Reading

An Open Letter To 2020

Inspired by Maya Angelou. Taken by Tye Moores.

Today’s my 9th bloggerversary and, I thought I would have something more profound to say but the only word that can come to mind about that is “wow.”

Not just wow, I’ve been sharing my thoughts and words in the digital space for 9 years but wow, I also made it through 2020.

Navigating year 8 as a blogger was interesting to say the least because it called for me to expand and grow to be more than just a blogger, which I did… I just didn’t expect to grow and expand in the middle of a global health pandemic.

To that I say, WTF was 2020? This was the longest yet shortest year of my life. Ironically, I didn’t suffer at all, even though I experienced some normal highs and lows but for the most part… 2020 was sweet to me and I had plenty of wins. And it’s weird but I needed a year like this. I was so used to suffering and trying to survive and not really feeling like much of a winner, that it has surprised the hell out of me that I won so much in 2020.

For a little bit, I began to feel guilty. How can I smile so big, (safely) live my life, and accomplish so many great things while people suffered, died, went broke, became homeless, faced racially motivated violence and much more all in a course of 1 year.

My heart aches for them but at the same time, I deserved a year without suffering for once and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

As my reflection stares back at me, I realized that I was a winner all along.

And it’s crazy that it took a year like this to bring it out of me.

See, 2020 stripped me down. Made me bare my soul and have me 100% believe in me, rely on me, and have unwavering faith in my abilities.

2020 helped me balance my mental health and up my personal hustle.

2020 took away the familiarity of everything I once knew, and made me navigate this new normal with faith, even when I was scared.

2020 made me turn the ideas that were once in my head and heart into something tangible. I fulfilled a lifelong dream of becoming an author and simultaneously became an entrepreneur too because lay-offs from 9-5’s due to Miss Rona was VERY real for me.

2020 made me pause a lot. I was used to being on autopilot, experiencing one thing after another without really taking the time to process but this year changed that.

Not gonna lie, majority of that processing sucked. But once I got past my feelings, I realized once that it’s important to have time and space to think about what I feel, even if the feelings were uncomfortable.

2020 made me mature. I turned 26 this year and lots of big girl decisions had to be made. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had full control over how I wanted my life to go. Everything from deciding to take the entrepreneurial route, to deciding where I wanted to live, to deciding what actually made sense to me and removing what didn’t, 2020 helped me move my feet.

Relief that 2020 is over. Taken by Tye Moores.

2020 taught me that life is short and that I might as well do everything in this lifetime that I want to do, because we never know when it’s our time to go. I say this because this year, I unfortunately lost a beautiful soul, a supportive person, and a incredible friend to gun violence. He was only 25 years old at the time of his death and left such a mark on this world.

Getting older makes mortality hit closer to home and I realized, you can truly be here one day and gone the next.

I decided to live.

All in all, I can say that 2020 was…. exactly the year I needed to become the exact type of woman I’ve always wanted to be. I haven’t even reached my peak yet and that’s what is exciting to me.

In year 9, I hope to accomplish more, love more, dream bigger, and do more of what I want to do.

Goodbye 2020. Cheers to ’21

Taken by Tye Moores.
Continue Reading

The Ghosts of A Heartbroken Past

“Who hurt you? And why do you enjoy being toxic?” is a text message that came through my phone recently from a guy that is now just another memory.

Although I ended up blocking him, unblocking him, and cursing him out over that “innocent” question, I don’t consider myself toxic. Nor do I enjoy being toxic, that’s absurd.

I’ll put it to you like this: I’m no stranger to being heartbroken and I am no stranger to being a heart breaker.

It’s the ebb and flow of life. Never believe anyone who feels they’ve only been a victim and never a perpetrator of anything, to me that screams that they lack self-awareness and want to be painted as a saint. And well… that’s boring.

Unless you live under a rock, none of us should be strangers to heartbreak. Heartbreak can come from your relationship (or lack thereof) with family members or it can from love. In love, heartbreak should not be synonymous with trauma but for a lot of us, it is.

What is interesting to me is that every day I see or hear stories from women that have been through hell and back with men. Their hearts don’t turn cold. Instead, they still have the capacity to love these men no matter how terribly they were treated. And not your normal, minor things. But toxic, in the trenches type shit. Abuse, manipulation, cheating, all kinds of stuff. Was it love for real or just an unchecked attachment style and codependency?

I wish women were socialized to be more no-nonsense when it came to how we allow ourselves to be treated by men, but that’s another story for another day.

My earliest heartbreak from someone’s dusty ass son came young. Like 13yrs old young. Trying to love people more than I had the capacity to love myself was a disaster, but I pressed forward anyway. Even if it makes no logical sense, most of us just want to FEEL something from someone else, even if they are incapable of reciprocating it.

What’s always been mind boggling to me, is how no matter how many pieces my heart has been broken in, I still have the capacity to love. To feel. To share. Too many heartbreaks can cause us to turn cold but, me? I got warmer to some, and detached for others.

My love is sometimes easy to get but hard to keep. And I guess the latter is where my role in breaking hearts comes in at, because once I decide that I have stopped loving you, that’s it.

There is no convincing me to stay, I tend to not care how much you may love or like me. It’s like a switch gets hit once I make it up in my mind that you and I won’t be a thing anymore.

I used to carry years and years of pent up aggression towards past relationships but one day I decided that I actually don’t have exes anymore. I had to give myself permission to release.

Contrary to popular belief, I try to approach each romantic situation with a fresh heart and mind. And even though I keep meeting the same people in different bodies (cuz admit it, even if none of our romantic interests look alike, we all have a type) I try to treat each person with a sense of curiosity and allow myself to learn and explore them.

But a girl like me is both jaded and open at the same time. If this confuses you, imagine how much it confuses me 

🙃

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that if you don’t heal, your heartbreaks can haunt you.

Continue Reading

On The Other Side Of Maybe

I never wanted to look like a goofy for still having strong feelings for you.
I’ve endured a lot but it’s like….
Maybe we’ve grown past it.
Maybe it wasn’t done with malicious intent.
Maybe you really do share the same feelings for me like I have for you.
Maybe you don’t.
Maybe you do and you’re just scared.

Maybe it’s just the dick but maybe it’s not cuz I actually can stand to be around you outside of that and not be bothered.
Maybe I’m just really comfortable with you and that’s different than desire.
Or maybe it’s not.

Maybe I’ve found new ways to appreciate and feel for you.
Maybe you make me feel safe and like home.
Maybe you damn near my soulmate.
Maybe that’s some shit I made up in my head.

Can two people who have been through a lot move past it and build a better future?
Maybe.
But maybe they can’t.
Maybe they don’t take each other serious.
Maybe they don’t wanna let each other go…

So then what?
Maybe they throw it away?
Or maybe they table the inevitable and maybe they pick it up when they’re like 30?
Maybe they wait too long and the fire between them dies. Makes you wonder why they ain’t give it an honest try in the first place?

Maybe they were too young.
Maybe they were too dishonest — with themselves and each other.
Maybe it wasn’t supposed to go this far in the first place.

Or maybe it was.
Maybe this was simply a lesson.
Maybe this was simply a moment of growth.
Maybe this was a sign of clarity.

Maybe both of us just make shit more complicated than it needs to be.
What’s on the other side of this maybe in the first place?

Maybe we’ll never know.
Maybe we are both too scared to explore.

Hopefully we can meet one day, on the other side of maybe.

Continue Reading

Black Women vs The World

Solange wasn’t lying when she sang: “I got a lot to be mad about” .

Imagine how mad you have to be to constantly deal with racism and sexism in the middle of a global health pandemic that has left many of us jobless, homeless, stressed out, anxiety ridden, depressed, AND WE STILL GOTTA FIGHT A RACE WAR.

So yeah, I got a LOT to be mad about and I’m tired.


A little under a week ago, sexual assault and the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport was the trending topic across Twitter timelines and I watched many women of varying ages and identities share the age(s) of when and where they experienced sexual assault and sexual abuse.

Many were as young as 5-years-old to grown as hell, with the atrocities committed by everyone from their own family members to popular figures who are apart of Greek lettered fraternities, party promotion circles, music artists, “activists” and much more.

Hundreds of women I follow and even men too, bravely shared their stories, something that isn’t easy to do when you have been suffering in silence for so long.

About a day or so later, an anonymous Twitter user took it upon themselves to create a profile called “Expose The Weirdos” where the survivors of sexual assault could send in pics, social media profiles, and details of their assault to out their abusers.

The idea of the page may have been created with pure intentions but here’s where things began to take a turn for the worst.

First, pictures of men that I knew and once acquainted with popped up on the page. Then, the original page was exposed for seeming empathetic to women’s experiences yet tried to charge someone to “expose their abuser”.

Even in serious times like this, our pain is used as a come up. A joke to the masses and the next trending topic.

Eventually, that page got deleted. Unfortunately, I didn’t capture any screenshots of the pages but then a second and third page got created. It was rumored to be at least 10 pages but I am not sure how true that is. A quick Twitter search I did prior to releasing this shows that there are newer pages but they are set on private and by the time you all read this, those might be deleted as well. For my non-Chicago readers, please keep in mind that this happened on Chicago Twitter.

A second and third page were created and I saw even more men I knew and were friendly with posted. I later watched Twitter find the person who allegedly created one of the pages . Apparently, it was a young Black woman who allegedly posted a mix of innocent and guilty men on there due to whatever her personal reasons were. As of today, those pages have been deleted so I don’t have anything visual to contribute.

Upon further research, it seems as (or at least one of the) if the original page has been restored.


Social media is often the light and the darkness when it comes to sensitive topics such as sexual assault and sexual abuse.

I watched many men from the TL display performative empathy — “I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m here if you need anything, ” to women that they know and love and then the switch flipped.

The narrative went from “pRotECt and ReSpeCt BlACk WomEN” to “These bitches and hoes are lying!” because either their friend, frat brother, homie got posted on those pages or it was them themselves.

It’s different now, ain’t it?


Chaos ensued, and I watched numerous men and their legion of followers furiously protect their names.

I watched survivors get bullied.

I watched many stay silent.

While I do not agree that creating anonymous social media pages to out abusers gives anyone any type of justice, I do believe that survivors deserve for their voices to be heard and most importantly, survivors deserve peace.

So if naming said individuals gives them peace, then so be it.

But after the social media spectacle dies down, where is the advocacy? Where is the accountability towards the abuser? Rape culture is still running rampant. Then what?


The problem is complex and not a singular answer will be able to encompass how I feel. But no matter which word you use, the facts are this:

misogyny, patriarchy, sexism teaches the entire world that women’s bodies are property.

Men are taught that they can do whatever it is they want to do to us and when you add in popularity, “clout”, perceived and actual wealth, social status, and more, it automatically gives men the benefit of the doubt. And for some reason, women are automatically considered to be lying — unless you’re white of course and THEN you fare a better of chance of being believed.

But what about the Black women?

Only 2-10% of sexual assault allegations are found to be false.

But I digress.


The bottom line is, as a Black woman I am TIRED. Black women all across the world are forced to battle both racism and sexism at the same exact time. Many people try to force us to “choose” as if our blackness and womanhood are costumes that can be taken off anytime that we want. And don’t let you be queer, trans, disabled, etc. Because then society really tries to force you to choose blackness first, as if our identities don’t all intersect.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of men not being held accountable for their actions.

I’m tired of systemic racism.

I’m tired of explaining why sexism is wrong and why fellow Black men shouldn’t be misogynistic because it’s harmful. I’m not gone stop, but trust me– I AM TIRED.

I’m tired of performative empathy towards fellow sexual assault survivors. Don’t switch up the narrative just cuz it’s yo homie. None of us are really good judges of character and even if we were, none of us have eyes on our friends 24/7.


And to Black men: Make no mistake about it, I love ya’ll. But many of you reading this will probably assume that I’m being divisive. Or that I hate ya’ll. But I do not. In fact, I love ya’ll so much that I actually wanna educate ya’ll AND hold ya’ll accountable. Because yeah, it’s not all of you, but anytime you’ve witnessed yo homie make a girl uncomfortable and didn’t say anything, you’re just as guilty. And even it being just SOME of ya’ll is too much for me!

HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO

Just like white people only listen to white people and when their money is being stopped, Black men will only listen to other Black men.

So Black men, educate yourselves. Listen to Black women. Read what Black women have wrote on our battles with racism and sexism. As a black man, you’re not the only one who deals with racism and if you’re a white woman reading this, you’re not the only ones who deal with sexism.

Believe Black women.

Check your own internalized misogyny. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you believe every woman who calls out a man for abuse, is a liar? Have you ever asked yourself why you deem only some women worthy of respect and deem other types of women not worthy? Or maybe you’ve questioned what a woman had on when she revealed that she had been sexually assaulted?

That’s misogyny friend, and ion like det.

Ya’ll understand racism so perfectly, but sexism is where ya’ll look at me and other women like we’ve grown two heads whenever we get vocal about it.

Probably because that would force you to have those difficult conversations AND hold you and the guys you hang around accountable…but I digress.


I was searching for a way to profoundly end this post but to be honest with ya’ll, the words have escaped me. I am hopeful that this racist and sexist attack on Black women will be dismantled one day, but similar to what Dr. King once said, I may not be alive in this lifetime to see it. I can only do my part by writing and amplifying other’s voices, and leaving resources for those who actually WANT to do better.


For more info on what you can do to further educate yourself on ending sexual and gender based violence, click on these links.. for everything else, well…. Google is free.

Men Can Stop Rape – https://mcsr.org/home

Healthy Masculinity – http://kiasmithwrites.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/c8fb2-healthymasculinity.pdf

RAINN – https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn

Continue Reading

Routine, Interrupted


At first, this was going to be a post where I would complain about how hard working from home is and how much I hate it. But then I thought about it: I’m blessed to be able to work from home, have decent wifi, and still get paid from both my jobs while the country figures Miss Rona out.

Home is my sanctuary and while I detest bringing work home, it will have to do for now.

So far, I have been in shock about how fast everything has changed. When March started, I would have never guessed that my city would be on lockdown and so many people I know and love would be abruptly put out of work. I’ve been having a hard time processing this shift — particularly because I was used to a certain routine, my birthday plans had to be altered, and then boom: the world is now collectively holding our breath, waiting to exhale as soon as the coast is clear.

Nonetheless, I can’t even really complain. I have way more time to myself than I could’ve imagined and after weeks of not doing shit, I finally got back productive and knocked a few goals out.

As we enter into a new month and 30 more days of lockdown, I wish I could tell you that I’m feeling super optimistic. I’m not exactly feeling morbid about it either but as I said, I’m holding my breath. Waiting to exhale when the coast is clear.

Given the circumstances, I don’t think things will ever get back to “normal.” Instead, a new normal will be created. So many routines have been interrupted and by this time, maybe most of us have adjusted to whatever our new normals are.

Prior to getting put on punishment, it wasn’t much that I took for granted but it’s easy to get caught up in the flow of life that we are privileged to forget how abruptly things can change. Literally overnight. I miss my ability to move as freely as I wanted to without thinking if I was potentially putting someone in harms way. I miss hugging my friends and family and visiting them whenever our scheduled permitted. And I miss OUTSIDE! I’m an ambiverted person, plus my mother’s only child so being at home by myself doesn’t bother me too much. In the same breathe, I am also a socialite and dammit do I miss being outside, looking good and living better. I am saddened to see my friends and family members who work “non-essential” jobs be out of work. I miss going to get my damn hair done!

I’m also sad about my “essential job” friends be ran raggedy taking care of everyone else. I’m sad that for those who have been diagnosed with Miss Rona feel completely helpless while they let their bodies fight this off because of course we not rich enough to get it there’s no cure yet.

I’m sad about the former students I used to serve, who have endured so much for being out of school this school year. It’s a lot of things that suck to me right now and I hate that healthcare isn’t accessible to all. I hate the panic. The financial and emotional strain. The deaths. All of this.

In a perfect world, I wish things would go back to normal…. but that normal probably won’t exist anymore after this.

However, there have been some positives to come outta this.

The DJ’s going live on Instagram and Facebook last week really brightened a lot of our spirits.
The song writer and producer battles.
The comedy skits.
The memes and gifs.
The increased and intentional communication between friends and family due to technology.
The virtual happy hours.
The time to journal, meditate, and work out from home.

It’s so much increased positivity and peace, even in the midst of all this chaos.

While I don’t desire for my connections to people and experiences to be purely digital, to live in an age where technology is so advanced AND the privilege of having access to it makes self-isolation a lil bit better.

Praying that this all ends soon. In the meantime, how ya’ll been doing?

What’s your new normal? Is it better than your old routine?

Do you think once outside opens back up, it will be hard for people to adjust?

Talk to me!

Continue Reading

Is There Such Thing As A “Positive” Situationship?

The last time I wrote about situationships, I can honestly say that I was projecting my own feelings and not taking my own advice. Lol, what a comedy show!

Almost 3 years later, I can say that my feelings towards situationships has NOT changed, yet I now understand that everyone has different dating experiences, loves differently, and has different wants, needs, and expectations from people they choose to deal with.

Which got me to pondering: Everyone talks about situationships in such a negative matter and are usually traumatized by them (it’s me, I’m the traumatized one) but, has anyone ever had a positive situationship experience?

My Twitter followers gave me some pretty interesting answers:

As ya’ll can see, a lot of the same themes came up in order to make a situationship work: Honesty, transparency, and BOUNDARIES.

And ya know what? Kudos to those people and their positive experiences! Some of them said they are still really great friends with their “ex” (can you even call someone you used to be in a situationship with your ex?) and some just ended things gracefully when they found someone that they could see themselves being committed to.

I think situationships get such a bad rep because normally they are between two people who aren’t on the same page. In my experience, someone always catches feelings and may even want more because sex is a HIGH energy exchange and building bonds is very natural when you spend copious amounts of time with someone that’s consistent.

But somehow, the people who responded to me on Twitter made it work. So kudos to them!

As for me, ya girl tho….. Situationships AIN’T for me. I’m in a space in my life where I am trying to find wait on “my person” and I want something a bit more stable and committed. Like nigga, I wanna be your WOMAN, not somebody you just hella cool with and fuck on from time to time cuz “we don’t want nothing serious.” Those days are long behind me and to be honest, I was never with the shits lol. I settled for it, but that is another story for another day!

Needless to say, I am aware that dating and having sex with someone means different things for different people and I’m not mad at ya’ll!

At the end of the day, I just want us all to be in situations that make sense to us and redefine what dating looks and feels like– cuz the experiences should not, and do not have to be toxic all the time.

With that being said, as long as you not settling, I don’t care what you do lol.

Cheers to love and good sex, reciprocated energy and maturity in 2020!

-Kia


Talk to me though:

Have you ever had a positive experience being in a situationship?

If so, what did it teach you about yourself? How long did it last?

Would you do it again if given the chance? Why or why not?

What beliefs did you have about romantic relationships in the past that you no longer hold right now?

Did your situationship turn into something more serious, or did ya’ll part ways when the spark left?

Continue Reading

Year 8: Make It Great

Happy New Year, my loves!

On the first of this month, I celebrated my 8th year as a blogger. Yeah, 8 whole years.

It is hard to describe what these past 8 years have been like, let alone feel like but I can assure you that I’ve come a long way from the 17-year-old that used to go by Kween K.

I’ve changed. And if you have been a reader of mine for a while, then you know this blog has changed too.

Sometimes we reject change. Sometimes we are resistant to it. But when it comes to this blog of mine, I embrace the changes. My words have helped me navigate and (sometimes grudgingly lol) embrace the changes of life and womanhood in general.

My words have healed both you and me these last few years.

My words have been a power source of motivation, inspiration, tenacity, and authenticity.

My words have helped me grow more comfortable with being myself.

My words have taken me places.


In year 7, I quietly accomplished a lot yet was the most visible and vulnerable I had ever been in years.

My annual self-love workshop was sold out.

I was a guest on 2 really great podcasts.

I published 1,000 blog posts.

I finally started selling merchandise.

I struggled and overcame and started healing for real in year 7.

I’ve always been a person who was aware that she had a voice, unafraid to share her opinion. But year 7 helped me step into my power.

Photos by Tye Moores | @photyegraphy

I’ll be honest with you all: Sometimes, I feel like I am behind. Managing your own brand and constantly growing it year after year isn’t easy. Sometimes I feel like I should be “much further along” and that has been said to me before.

But…. when I tell those negative voices to be quiet, I understand that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This journey is mine, and no one else’s.

@photyegraphy

The number 8 represents balance, wisdom, and expansion. This is what year 8 for me is all about. 8 years in, how can I expand what I already have, yet gain more?

More importantly, what can you all expect from me this year?

The first thing you all should know is: This is my LAST blog post for a while. At least until my book that I am currently writing, is published. Stay tuned for more updates about that via my email list and on my social media. My book is slated to release in March and it is a part manifesto, part journal prompt about the journey of self-love. I am looking forward to becoming an author this year, it has been a dream of mine for as long as I could remember.

The second thing you can expect from me this year is another annual #WriteYourselfALoveLetterChallenge self-love workshop, coming in March. Every year it gets bigger, better, and more impactful and I am excited to share what I’ve been working on.

The last thing you can expect from me this year? Expansion.

Thank you God for the blessings in advance.

Cheers to year 8! Let’s make it great!

Continue Reading
1 2 3 102