Love Is

So, what is there to write about when life isn’t tumultuous anymore?

When toxic, low vibrational relationships are a thing of the past?

When cultivating and giving room to grow are essential to gaining love where as trying to force others to conform to your own ideas of love fall to wayside.

I love it here. And I’ve been loving it here for a while.

If you have been following this blog for a while, you have noticed that this is my first post in 6 months and I haven’t did anything except publish my 2nd book since then. Truthfully, I have a whole lotta stuff I want to get off my chest but first — let me talk about LOVE which is not strange when it comes to this space of mine.

But this time it’s different, because…. Well. It’s HEALTHY for one. Like real healthy. And I am deserving.

And I repeat, I am deserving. I affirm, I AM deserving.

I get to be my soft self.

My crybaby self. (Lord knows I’m sensitive)

My vulnerable self.

My goofy self (cuz if we gone do one thing around this mf, it’s laugh)

And Mr. Bae does nothing but accept me and stick beside me. And THAT is nothing more than I can ask for in partnership because I think many of us spend our lives feeling so misunderstood, conforming to others’ ideas of us, living up to others desires, people pleasing — you name it, we’ve did it and to be in a space where I ain’t gotta do none of that shit except me be is —-

Like a breath of fresh air.

It is freeing.

And I AM deserving.

Not cuz of what I’ve been through.

Not cuz of the self-love work that I’ve done.

But because I exist and I am here and I am love.

So how did this love come about?

Well first, we were friends… great friends… beautiful friends….then sneaky links lol. And I’m dead serious. And boy, did we link, if you know what I mean.

Then, I realized that I liked this nigga for real.

Like you should be my man for real.

But at the time, the feeling wasn’t mutual.

He was young, in his prime, had only had two prior relationships when he was in high school and simply wanted to be single.

And at the time, I just couldn’t understand it! I was the whole MFn package okay?! It wasn’t until I matured a bit that I understood how crucial spending time with one’s self before rushing into a relationship is.

So, I did what any self-respecting woman who was learning how to love herself did:

I fell back.

And I didn’t wait on him to come get me neither!

Over the years, I had plenty of boyfriends, situationships, sneaky links, and entanglements, you name it— I had it.

But I wasn’t fulfilled and every time I looked up, there was some shit going on with my love life.

It got exhausting.

I kept trying to date around in hopes of finding someone to settle down with but my prospects weren’t always the best. I was letting my loneliness make decisions for me and that would cost me big time.

I learned that temporary thrills is simply that— temporary and I wanted more. I didn’t always think I was deserving but once it clicked for me, I didn’t want to settle and I refused to.

Though sometimes, I still did. And that’s okay, because playas fuck up too. I bounced back from everything though.

Summer of 2020, I made a commitment to myself that I would actually have fun when it came to dating and not make the mistake of only fucking with one person at a time. I also told myself that it was okay if any connection I made did not end up in a happily ever after connection. Some people are merely good to just experience.

So I dated. Had me a lil roster. Went on plenty of dates. And had fun. And the moment I stopped having fun, I was clear and done with it. It felt empowering and liberating.

For once, I allowed myself to just enjoy people for who and what they are and even though it was hard to meet people and even go out much during the height of the pandemic, we made the best of it. I still desired to be in a long term relationship but I made peace with the fact that it would come when it was supposed to.

Mr. Bae was still at the top of my roster and the more I dated around, I was like damn. I still really like you nigga, so wassup?

Let’s just say that we were not on the same page.

So I had two choices: I could either:

A. Settle & shut up and keep meaninglessly dating him and others

B. Just leave him alone for good because what the fuck did I look like?

I don’t believe in giving ultimatums. And setting boundaries vs giving ultimatums was simple to me.

If I set a boundary, I would be okay with whatever his answer was gone be. The whole practicing detachment thing ya know?

If I gave an ultimatum, I would be expecting him to do what I wanted him to do.

And that’s not fair. Love is about choices.

I decided to go with option A. So we linked up for our final goodbyes, I had my speech prepared and all! Mid-sentence, Mr. Bae goes: “Let’s try us out.”

And I was speechless.

I almost said hell no, but honestly…. I’m glad I didn’t.

I let him show me. And prove to me. And we chose each other. Over and over and over and over again.

And we grew. This wasn’t just my best friend and sneaky link no more. This was my man.

And we was committed to only each other.

I have probably always loved Mr. Bae, first as my super close friend, then as someone I could grow in partnership with. This is the person I can laugh with, have serious convos with, share my a million dreams and ideas with, get money with, cry to, be spoiled by, try new restaurants with, travel with, and be my full self with.

He doesn’t try to water me down, he supports me 100000%, and he lifts me up constantly.

Plus, he ain’t ugly. So that’s a plus. 🤣

That was in January. And here we are in July. Loving on each other and still growing and my face hurts from smiling and laughing so much with him.

I say all this to say… If you desire love, I am wishing the very best for you. I ain’t got no secrets, no codes to sell you. Just learn the difference between what you actually like, what you are offered, and what you settle for.

Love is the highest vibration we can experience.

Yes, you ARE deserving.

And no, you don’t have to go through tons of shit to get it, contrary to popular socialization of women.

So what do I write about now?

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.