But What About The Men?
Steve Harvey told us that we should think like men.
Kevin Samuels tells us whether or not we’re high value based on certain qualities we may or may not have.
Mike Todd gave us a whole book about relationship goals.
And Derick Jaxn gave us advice on relationships that almost made sense, but then we found out that he was ridiculously cheating on his wife.
All those men have something in common, and it’s that most of their content is geared towards women, with little to nothing said to men. This brought me to my question I asked on Twitter:
The answers I received were quite interesting, and I guess at 450 retweets and over 1K likes, many people had a lot to say.
But let me clarify: When I ask who is encouraging men to become better people, I am asking who is telling them about their treatment towards women?
I’m asking who is letting them know that there is more to “manhood” than getting money and adopting different manipulation tactics?
I am asking who is holding other men accountable?
Who is saying to them that instead of holding in their emotions, that they should probably go talk to a licensed therapist or life coach?
I’m asking, who is telling a man that instead of being a womanizer afraid of commitment in his 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, that maybe he should get to the root of his behavior with self-reflection and therapy?
I am NOT saying that this is a woman’s job to do. Though, I’m aware that if someone IS telling a man any of these things, it is most likely a woman.
“Self-love and self-reflection is for everybody. Not just women.”
The problem is, from birth, most women are socialized to be wives and mothers and doting partners who must carry themselves and think a certain way to be deemed attractive enough to get married to.
On the contrary, most men are socialized to be people who like women in a sexual or laborious way but do not appreciate women as human beings, worthy of respect simply because we exist.
Do you see how the dynamics are imbalanced between heteronormative relationships? I wonder do same-sex relationships have this same imbalance, but I’ll explore that another day.
Another thing I noticed is that when men DO decide to seek better for themselves, the content geared towards them is almost always about how to gain more money and how to be manipulative towards others. Perhaps that is why some men latch so heavily on to books and figures like Rich Dad Poor Dad, 48 Laws of Power, Kevin Samuels, and Dr. Umar.
Power, money, and status is more attractive to obtain than healing one’s inner child, unlearning patriarchy, and learning about your identity outside of money, degrees, and jobs. So I get it…. I guess.
To be truthful, patriarchy says that anything outside of power and status is feminine, and we all know how straight men feel about femininity, though both genders have masculine and feminine qualities within us. But again, another story for another day.
The imbalance is frustrating because while the self-love and self-development wave is geared towards women, we are running around fixing ourselves and improving ourselves at higher rates and it seems like men have to do absolutely nothing…. except get some money. Then women get blamed for choosing wrong (I used to be one of those people too) and it’s like…. we could choose better if there was a better quality of men around??????? Choosing better does not mitigate that there are some terrible individuals out here so why is the responsibility put on us for men’s shitty behavior?
On the flip side, I cannot ignore how this patriarchal society treats men who DO seek to heal themselves. They treat them how they treat women: like trash. This is why it is so hard for some grown men to grasp the concept that is okay to cry, to show other emotions other than anger, to be depressed, to struggle with self-confidence, etc. All of us are walking around with some type of internalized misogyny.
I wonder why we are like this????
It also makes me think about how because of the society we live in, men get rewarded for their terrible behavior. Women are socialized to desire to be chosen. Some women have internalized that any man is better than no man and when that man is financially sufficient but lacks emotional intelligence, empathy, and self-awareness, most of us have been socialized to accept it because…. at least he ain’t broke.
No matter how shitty a man’s behavior is, there is still a woman out there who will love and accept him (usually at the expense of herself) and try to convince him to change.
But unless that man has the willpower and space to change on his own, it seems as if all this work that is being done, is done in vain.
This brings me back to my original question: If women are doing one thing and men are doing nothing, then what the fuck is happening to these men?
How do we as a society make being a good person “trendy” for men too?