Bigger
2021 came around and I decided that I would be where the money resides like the viral video suggested.
In January, a former colleague of mine reached out to me and told me that her job was hiring. I had JUST gotten fired from a contract job a month prior, my unemployment was a joke, and while the book was still selling, the sales were slow and I had major doubts of being an entrepreneur around that time. I had thought about getting a job again but pandemic burnout + uncertainty about what it was I *actually* wanted to do with myself stopped me from actively applying anywhere.
The bills were piling up, so it seemed like my former acquaintance’s email about her job hiring came at the right time.
They had recently started in November and they ranted and raved about the position, people who worked there, etc. We talked extensively about job duties, as I would be apart of their team, salary range, and opportunities for growth. I figured hey: the money was good, I would still be 100% remote, and I had full time benefits.
Sounds like a dream come true, right?
So I applied and three interview rounds later, I was hired at my first corporate job. I was happy about it and celebrated with some friends when I got the email. My start date was the day after Valentine’s Day.
Quickly, I realized two things about myself:
1. Living through Covid really did a number on my brain.
2. I simply HATED working from home, it felt like a trap.
Nevertheless, I was in a mid-level position, and I did my best to virtually adjust and perform to the best of my ability.
For a while, everything felt great. Even though I had past work trauma from horrible jobs in the past, with this company, I didn’t feel any of that at first. Any feelings of anxiousness or jumping to conclusions about the people I worked with was quickly replaced with gentle reminders to stay open minded and NOT let imposter syndrome get the best of me— which it often did anyway.
Still, I put my best foot forward. I ain’t never been too good for a 9-5 and the only reason I became an entrepreneur was because Miss Rona laid me off from every job I had about 3 weeks into the lock down that we all so naively thought would only last 2 weeks.
The first month at the job was blissful. They hosted me a virtual birthday party in March and sent me lunch. I was able to take a couple half days, no questions asked. And my paychecks were nice.
By April, things had taken a swift turn. Now, I’m no stranger to navigating swift and random change but this shit was different y’all. Imposter syndrome + being hyper-observant when someone’s behavior changes towards me made me feel like perhaps I made a mistake in choosing this job. They certainly made me feel like they had made a mistake in choosing me.
To my genuine surprise, drama at the workplace ensued and while I’ll spare the details of that (for privacy reasons), I found myself stressed, anxious, and crying every single week. I’m not sure if it was due to being out of work so long and wanting to perform well or WHAT, but I knew something needed to give.
But was I ready to walk away from this stable, good paying job was the question??
Like any person, I had my doubts.
How would I pay my bills?
Could I really sustain myself off being a full time entrepreneur again?
What if it wasn’t the job, but just ME?
Then my final straw came. After that, I plotted on my decision to leave.
Making the decision to finally leave was easy for me to be honest. I had experienced way too much disrespect, was not stimulated by the work I was doing, and my mental health was far too precious to compromise any longer. Plus, since I was working from home, I decided that I would not be miserable in my own house.
I love myself too much to stay somewhere where I am not welcomed, wanted, or appreciated. This includes places I receive a paycheck.
Walking into June, I decided that the 25th would be my last day.
I wasn’t sure how people on my small team felt about me leaving, but that is of none of my concern. I just knew I had to get out. Especially after reporting some things to HR and nothing was done about it.
In different periods of my life, I’ve always been isolated for being someone who would speak up. People would try to feed me bullshit about how some things are “just the way they are” but I never folded. If something feels wrong to you, you don’t have to be quiet and accept it. You actually do yourself and others a disservice by staying quiet. As for me and my mental health, Imma speak up.
The short time I was at this job, I asked God constantly what the hell was I supposed to learn??? I could not understand the adversity I was experiencing and usually, I am NOT a quitter.
But sometimes, quitting is exactly what you need to do. You only get one you, so you must do what is necessary to preserve yourself.
I grew up around a lot of people who simply did what they had to do in order to survive and keep food in their bellies and a roof over their heads and it is nothing wrong with that, I just wanted more for myself because I know that I deserve it. Life is not all about struggle and you don’t have to sacrifice yourself so much where you can’t even enjoy the fruits of living out your dream.
So bravely, I chose myself. And I realized, that there is ALWAYS something bigger: a bigger bag, a bigger blessing, and better opportunity. I never had to be anywhere I didn’t want to be.
I know exactly what my purpose is and working that fancy-in-title corporate job was NOT it.
And that’s okay.
Sometimes when walking in your purpose, you’ll get distracted and redirected for a short while. Then, something happens and when the dust finally settles, you get back on the path you were on but this time with new knowledge and clarity.
I say all this to say, don’t let a job and a false sense of security prevent you from speaking up for yourself and choosing your mental health and wellness above all.
There’s always something bigger and better out there. And you deserve it ALL.
Love,
Kia